The First Friday Night
by CrookedWho
Summary: Sheik's twin cousin Zelda, whom he's never met in person, comes to Termina for a long term visit. She's introduced to his friends and they adventurously show her around Termina. Some mild romance, too. T/M for language, maybe . Zelink.
1. Introducing

**A/N:** Um, hi. I don't know why, but when I was listening to _Face Down_, I imagined Zelda singing it. Weird. This thought's been dancing around in my head for more than a week, so I'm setting it free.

So, here's my story; it's set in Termina, without the whole Moon-ordeal. It'll change POV's every chapter or so. I have no idea where I'm going with this story, but that's part of the fun. It's like, riding a roller coaster in the dark. Right?

**Disclaimer:** Of _course_ I own the series. I, a teenager, am so proud of myself for creating the first game back in _1986._ Isn't it amazing how I created the first of a soon-to-flourish video game series before my soul even considered reincarnating?

No? Well, then, I guess **I don't own the LoZ games/characters/anything. Seriously.

* * *

**

**The First Friday Night**

**Chapter One: Introducing…**

"And now, ladies and gentlemen," I say, dramatically pausing to let the final cheers of _'Sheik! Sheik! Sheik!'_ die out,—I love it when they cheer for me—"I have a special treat for you tonight." The small crowd stops cheering and shuts up obediently, waiting patiently for me to deliver. I clear my throat and pause again, just to let their curiosity grow a bit. I'm a sucker for suspense.

"A special someone is here to sing for you, the lovely"—yes, I said lovely. So what?—"citizens of Clock Town." Someone in the audience, somewhere to my left, whistles. Not the good kind of whistle, either, at this moment. I glare at the general area, "No, not like that! A close _friend_ of mine, thank you very much." The entire crowd giggles. Bastards.

"I know how much you all love my singing, but I don't want to hog the spotlight." Yes, I'm milking my ego a bit, but hey, it's Friday night. All part of the fun. In reality, I'm not the greatest singer, but I'm good enough to sing out loud without someone telling me to shut the hell up. I sing more often than anybody else in Clock Town, though; people sure love listening to karaoke, but aren't that big on performing. "Besides, this is the Milk Bar and I haven't had any milk yet!" There are a few laughs, and a couple of coughs. I can tell they're getting a bit impatient. Better hurry along with my little speech.

"Okay, so, here we go. Introducing… my twin cousin, hailing from Poveglia Island far out in the Great Bay, weighing at one hundred and twenty-one pounds, I think, she might have gained some weight, but whatever, she's ready to rock to the music, _willingly_, of course, there's no way I'd ever blackmail my sweet cousi—"

"Just get on with it!" Talon Barten shouts from behind the bar. His eyes are glaring, but he might be smiling in a teasing way. I can't tell, honestly, with that bushy brown mustache of his. He's cleaning out a glass with a rag, although I don't know how that cleans it, while his assistant/eldest daughter Cremia is ignoring her work to enjoy the karaoke. Talon is the owner of the Milk Bar, and I'm actually the one who convinced him months ago that we needed karaoke every Friday and Saturday night. He had refused outright at first, but I got Romani to persuade him into agreeing. Romani is Talon's youngest daughter and one of my best friends. We're also siblings. Figuratively, that is.

Speaking of Romani, she happens to be almost directly in front of me, in the crowd. She looks confused, yet curious at the same time. I never told her about my cousin, not that I ever felt the need to. Oh well, everybody loves a good surprise.

"Okay, okay, fine. Here she is; the Wicked Witch of the West herself, Miss _Zel-daaa!_" And I gesture to her, while stretching out her name for added effect. She's smack in the middle of the crowd, right next to Romani, who does a double-take, her dark red hair practically whipping Zelda in the face. Understandable; we're somewhat identical, after all. I don't know how nobody noticed her. This town's so small, everybody knows everybody. People need to pay more attention to these kinds of things. Zelda gives me a half-playful half-I'll-get-you-later glare and starts towards me, climbing onto the small stage. She doesn't bother to walk around to the pointless set of stairs.

When she gets to where I am, she shoves me away from the microphone. How rude. She looks a bit nervous, naturally. Zelda is pretty brave when it comes to most things, but stick her in front of a crowd of people and she'll clam up. And sweat. It's bad. Which is why I'm making her sing now; it'll be fun. So I climb down from the stage and push through the people in the first few rows to Romani, who still looks shocked out of her mind. I just smile and turn my attention to the now alone Zelda, who's nervously playing with her long dirty blond hair. I have the same hair, but obviously shorter. And mine looks better.

The first thing she does is pull her hand away from her hair so that she can properly glare at me some more with her shiny violet eyes. "Wicked Witch of the West?" Everybody giggles, myself included. "Yeah, go on, giggle like a little girl. I've got your _wicked_." More laughs. Maybe we should have Comedy Night or something.

Then she softens up and her eyes roam around the room, taking in the sight. Like I said, the crowd wasn't that big. Twenty people, more or less. "Well, hi," she begins. I'm tempted to say hi right back in an obnoxiously loud voice, but I refrain. Don't want to piss her off even more. Yet. "So, Sheik is forcing me to sing, for some stupid reason that I'm not going to say out loud. I don't know why, I've never done anything to him." Pause. Evil glare. "But I _will_." Cue laughter. "So, I guess someone can start the music now, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to pass out soon." Laughter. Okay, people, she's not that funny.

She stays right where the microphone is, and stares pleadingly at the little TV screen just in front of and above the stage, where the lyrics will appear. She'll do anything to avoid eye contact with so many people at once. After a few seconds of somewhat awkward silence, Talon jabs Cremia's shoulder with his finger, an action that says 'get off your ass and do your job'. That's what she's supposed to do on Karaoke Night: control the music.

With a squeaky, "Oh, right!" Cremia rushes to the sound system at the edge of the bar. She hovers over it, jabbing a few buttons here and there, while the rest of us wait. Soon, music is pouring from the speakers at a high volume. Very familiar music. Although I can't really put my finger on it…

Zelda immediately brightens upon hearing the start of the music. "Holy crap, I actually know this song!" I don't think she meant to say that out loud. Everyone annoyingly laughs again. Then it hits me. _Zelda knows this song._ The only song that she knows by heart and I know for a fact she sings at least twice a day—it's even my _ringtone_ on her cell—

Crap. Any song, any song in the _world_, and it's this one. If this is a coincidence, then I'm Dampé. And no offense to him, but I'm seriously glad I'm not. He may be nice, but the dude looks creepy as hell.

Zelda snaps me out of my sarcastic thoughts with her singing. She starts off kind of timid, like we're all going to boo her off the stage and drench her with milk for sucking so badly:

_Hey girl you know you drive me crazy  
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.  
Still I'll never understand  
why you hang around  
I see what's going down._

_Cover up with make up in the mirror  
tell yourself it does never gonna  
happen again,  
you cry alone and then he swears  
he loves you._

Ah, here we go. This is where she loosens up ever so slowly. She's a slightly better singer than me. _Slightly. _Mostly because she sings this same damn song every day and she's had a ton of practice on it, the lucky loser—she even puts the lyrics in the middle of her letters when she writes to me, at random times. I still don't know how this song out of every other one in existence happened to show itself this very moment. I bet the song followed her here all the way from her freaking island, 'cause I sure as hell haven't heard it _here_ before. She's smiling now, and moving her body a bit to the music.

_Do you feel like a man  
when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now  
as she falls to the ground?  
Well I'll tell you my friend,  
one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down,  
a new life she has found._

Wow, she must be feeling better. She's starting to _dance._

_A pebble in the water  
makes a ripple effect  
every action in this world  
will bear a consequence  
If you wade around forever  
you will surely drown  
I see what's going down._

_I see the way you go and  
say you're right again  
say you're right again  
heed my lecture._

She takes the microphone from the stand so she can move around the stage, _dancing_ as she moves. I knew Zelda could dance, but in front of people? She must really like this song, more than I thought so. That can't be healthy, but at least she isn't sweating.

_Do you feel like a man  
when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now  
as she falls to the ground?  
Well I'll tell you my friend,  
one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down  
a new life she has found._

_Face down in the dirt she said,  
this doesn't hurt she said  
I finally had enough_

_Face down in the dirt she said,  
this doesn't hurt she said  
I finally had enough._

_One day she will tell you that  
she has had enough  
its coming round again._

She doesn't scream that last part, she never does. She can't make her voice go scratchy, so she sort of just shout-sings it. She then sings the rest of the song, in a much better mood than when I figuratively dragged her to the stage.

_Face down in the dirt she said,  
this doesn't hurt she said  
I finally had enough_

_Face down in the dirt she said,  
this doesn't hurt she said  
I finally had enough._

When the music ends, Zelda strikes a pose, her chest thrust out and her right hand above her head, with her fingers spread. After a while she realizes that it's completely quiet and slowly lowers her arm. Great, she's shrinking back to tiny, anti-public speaking Zelda. She clears her throat into the mic. "Um, ta-da?"

There's silence for just a bit longer, then everybody simultaneously begins clapping and cheering and laughing and chanting _'Zelda! Zelda! Zelda!'_ and it's all so very _loud._ Hmph. Well, good for her. I like it when they chant my name better. But hey, I'm not a complete ass, so I stand up and join in the cheering. Talk about a warm welcome to town, Zelda, you lucky bitch.

She looks a little petrified, but then smiles and begins mock-curtsying and blowing kisses into the crowd, somewhat hesitantly. As if she'd ever curtsy for real; she has no tolerance for that girly stuff. I'm pretty sure she'd rather eat a Wallmaster (if they existed) than wear a dress.

Romani is still clapping, like everyone else. You can easily see the words 'new best friend' flashing across her face every few seconds. I stop clapping; my hands are starting to hurt. So instead I shove my way through the people in front of me again and jump onto the stage gracefully.

Snatching the mic from her—she's smirking at me, ha ha, take _that,_ Sheik, it says—I turn my dazzling smile to the audience. "Wasn't that _wonderful,_ folks?" I put more emphasis than necessary on the word, my teeth clenched. Everyone begins clapping even louder. Sheesh.

"Well, good, 'cause that's all you're getting for tonight. It's time for me to catch up with my dear cousin." Even more applause. These people are easily impressed. "I love you all; I really do, but we gots to go!" And now there was whistling. Talon is beaming; overly happy customers usually equals 'no, no, drinks are on me!' customers. Score for him!

I grab Zelda's right hand as she puts the mic back with her left. Then she turns to me with a sickeningly sweet smile, each of her white teeth looking eager to tear the flesh from my arms, and growls without moving her lips, "_Never again._" I smile back at her and, still hand-in-hand, jump off the stage, tugging her with me. As we squeeze through the crowd—Romani's suddenly in Zelda's left hand, probably already thinking of how to introduce herself properly—the three of us get the heck out of there for some peace, quiet, and possibly story telling.

* * *

We're walking through the metaphor for silence that is Clock Town (for now; wait until daytime), heading south, where Romani lives. Do I live with Romani? Yes, yes I do. Why? Frankly, it's none of your business why. If I wanted you to know, I'd tell you, okay? Focus on _my_ story here, some of my closest friends don't even know why I live with her, so don't go thinking you deserve any special tr—

Out of nowhere, Zelda smacks my arm. Hard. "Ow!" I yelp, because really, it was one of _those_ girl-slaps. They hurt more than a normal slap; it's scientifically proven. "The heck was that for?"

She rolls her eyes and keeps walking. I ask again, and again, and again. And again. She cracks. "If I really, honestly have to tell you, I'm going to hit you again for being an idiot."

"It's nice to see you too, Zel." I move in to one-arm hug her, and for half a second, I succeed. Then she shoves me away.

"Don't hug me when I'm pissed at you." But she's trying not to smile. I count that as a 'Yeah, whatever, I'm glad to meet you too.'

This is where Romani smoothly slides herself into the conversation like a piece of buttery plastic, "I absolutely _loved_ your performance. Do you like, take classes or something?"

Zelda glances at her, sizing her up, accompanied with a 'you for real?' face. "Loved it? I don't know about that." She looks down. "But… I guess I did okay. Thank you… um—?"

"Oh, right; I'm Romani." She holds out her right hand for a handshake. I didn't know people still shook hands, other than in politics, I guess. Zelda accepts with her left hand, forcing Romani to stick out her left hand, too, and they shake.

"But really, Zelda—I love your name, by the way—your singing was really good. Really."

"Eh, I got lucky," Zelda says, waving her hand around. "It's my favorite song. Probably won't happen again. But I had a little bit of fun." I cough, a well-well-well-I-unintentionally-did-something-good cough. "No, Sheik, I don't care. It's the principle, and I _will_ get you back."

"I'm terrified." I look up at the sky and see that it's completely cloudy. There might be some rain tonight. Maybe Zelda's revenge will have something to do with mud. She's creative, she'll find some way to make mud hurt. Maybe I really should be terrified…

"So," Zelda says, looking around at her new for-now home, "where exactly are we going?"

"To my house. I live on a ranch," Romani says, pride evident in her voice.

"A ranch?" Zelda raises a brow. "Cool. I'm gonna go on a limb and assume you sell milk."

"Really?" Romani laughs. "What gave it away?" And the two begin to giggle together like best friends. Wow; she's already roped Zelda into her friendship bubble? That was fast. "I'm guessing you'll have to sleep in my room; I can make a bed for you out of hay."

"_Hay??_"

"What? My bed's made of hay too. It's more comfortable than you would think."

Zelda giggles. If Romani keeps this up, she'll have Zelda wearing a pink flowery dress by tomorrow afternoon. Zelda turns to me and asks, "Is your bed made out of hay too?"

"I dunno, I've never really checked. It's soft, so I don't really care what's in it."

"Oh. Where do you sleep?"

"In their guest room. Mr. Barten obviously won't let me sleep with Romani or Cremia." Out of respect, I don't call him Talon out loud. He's a bit intimidating, but I'll call him Talon if he's in a good enough mood. Romani smacks my arm softly, but in the same spot where Zelda had, so it hurts.

"Good thing, too. I can hear your snoring all the way from my room." This gets Zelda giggling again. Romani, seriously, you need to stop. Your powers of transforming others scares me.

"That's _not_ me, it's Link!"

"Link's had strep throat for the past three days! You can't snore with strep, but I'm _definitely_ sure I heard snoring those nights, and every night before. Why? Because it keeps me up! And it would keep _you_ up too, so it's obviously not him."

"You're so full of crap, I don't snore." She gives me a look. "Well, maybe I do, but not that loud. Did you ever think it was your dad? Much more likely."

"Are you implying something?"

"Oh no, Sheik, it's definitely you. Snoring like a jackhammer ever single night." Zelda says this in a flat voice. Like she would know, we've never slept in the same house before. Ever. "And who's Link?"

Romani nods in my direction. "Friend of ours, his roommate."

Zelda fake-gasps and turns towards me, but still walking. "Sheik, is he your _boyfriend?!_ If you're gay and you haven't told me until now, I'm going to be so hur—"

Boyfriend? The fuck? Romani's laughing her ass off. "_What?_ No! Friends, Zel, _friends!_ You're rooming with Romani, I'm pretty sure you don't want to date her!" We're almost out of Termina Field, heading towards Milk Road, at the end of which is the ranch. The grass is thick where we're walking now. I hope Zelda trips. No, wait, I hope they both trip.

"You're so right. No offense," she says, now facing Romani, "although I think you're gonna be an awesome friend." Romani 'awww's and they hug. The witches Koume and Kotake (they just make medicine in the Southern Swamp, but everyone says they actually make potions and crap like that) got _nothin'_ on Romani, the Witch of Changing Stubborn People.

* * *

When we get to the ranch, the sky hasn't changed. It's still dark and cloudy, with a god-knows-how-much percent chance of revenge, the number of which is steadily going way too far up. I can feel it, and I know it's filling Zelda with disgusting glee.

"Alright, here's the deal," Romani says when we reach the front door, mostly to Zelda because I've heard this speech before. "It's late. Link is probably asleep, the poor guy's dying in there, so move quickly and quietly through the house." Zelda nods. "Dad and Cremia will be home soon. There isn't really a curfew here, so go to sleep whenever. Dad's rule is: _Do whatever you want at night, as long as it doesn't bug anybody else and it isn't illegal._ Easy, right?" Zelda nods again. "Good. That's pretty much it for now. We eat breakfast on our own time; you're welcome to use the kitchen, since you kind of live here now." She smiles. "Come on, I'll show you to our room." And we go inside, the front door naturally squeaking when Romani opens it, as all doors are supposed to do.

We don't bother turning on the lights, since we're going straight to our rooms. Around the dining room table and up the stairs we go, each one slightly creaking. Because really, stairs that don't creak just aren't stairs. Same with doors. We walk down the hallway, and there are five doors: Talon's room, Cremia's room, Romani and Zelda's room, then mine and Link's room. Plus the bathroom. Crap. One bathroom and… three, four… six people. That's going to be a problem.

A fragile voice suddenly calls out softly. "H-h—" a weak cough; Link. Sounds like life still utterly sucks for him. "Hello? Somebody th-there?" Another weak cough. He sounds like a child. It makes me want to cry (not really, but I do feel sorry for him).

"It's us," Romani and I say at the same time. He's been asking that since he got sick, every time he hears someone, so it's an automatic response. Romani then adds, "We thought you'd be asleep."

"H-hurts too much to sleep." _Hurts too much to sleep? _That's when you know that it can't get any worse.

"Wow," Zelda whispers, "sounds pitiful." We nod.

I jerk my head towards the door. "Wanna meet him?"

She looks at the closed door. "Um, sure. I guess. Lead the way." Lead the what? The door's right there, not four feet from her.

Whatever. I walk towards the door, Zelda following behind me without Romani, who whispers, "Have fun," before heading straight for the bathroom. I push the door open. The doors in this house don't have knobs, you just push, or pull on the bar locks that act like door handles.

"Darling Link, my darling, you have a darling visitor, darling," I say, just for the heck of it. Zelda gives me a look and walks past me. I shut the door behind her. If this were a cheesy horror movie, I would lock the door and proceed to stab her. But I don't. "This is my twin cousin I told you about yesterday. Zelda." The only people who knew about Zelda the day before she officially got here is Link and Talon. Link, since he was and is sick and pitiful. Talon, because I needed permission for her to stay here. I also needed help moving her luggage from the Great Bay Coast all the freaking way to the ranch. Talk about labor.

Link, bless his soul, is laying in his bed, which I happily pushed to the far corner of the room when I found out he was sick, with a scarf wrapped nicely around my nose and mouth. Didn't want to catch that nasty bug. My bed is way on the other side of the room, as far away as physically possible until he's better. There's also a dresser that we share, and I had pushed that on my side of the room too; not that he's able to get up easily and paw around for clothes. His hair—the same color as mine and Zelda's, albeit a bit darker—is sticking to his forehead. He's sweating a storm, more than a nervous Zelda. He's also wearing a plain white T-shirt, and his green blanket is wrapped tightly around his body, up to his chest. His arms are resting on his stomach. He's clutching a portable blackboard and a piece of chalk. Now that we're in the room, there's no need for him to speak. It was Cremia's idea.

He writes on it, _Hi Zelda._

Zelda smiles. "Hi," she says. "Sorry about your, er… situation. Doesn't look like fun."

Link laughs without making a sound. _It's a load of painful fun._

Zelda snorts, "Yeah, I bet." She leans against the wall (my wall, seeing as she doesn't really want Link's burden either) and looks around for a bit. The three of us are silent. Well, Zelda and I are. Link doesn't really have a choice. Well, _he_ does_,_ but it's a smart choice.

_How long are you staying?_ Link suddenly writes.

"Oh, um. I'm not sure. Probably a while."

_Cool._ He erases it, and thinks for a moment before writing, _We should all get together and do something once I'm done dying._

"We who?" Zelda asks, absentmindedly playing with her hair again. The 'dying' part makes her snicker.

"The rest of our friends," I say, heading for the door. I'm actually getting tired. "You'll probably meet them tomorrow. Actually, you will, because we need to give you the grand tour of Termina."

"_All_ of Termina? That's a lot of walking, hon."

"Of course all of Termina. Clock Town's too small. But don't worry about your dainty princess feet, we probably won't get to do everything in one day."

"These dainty princess feet are begging to kick your ass."

"I'm sure they are, Zel, now get out. It's late and I'm tired."

"Oh, alright, you whiner. Good night." And she actually gives me a hug. Probably trying to get me to let my guard down. She turns to Link, "Good night to you too. Try not to suffer too much. I'd give you a hug, but, you know. Maybe when you aren't contagious." He puts on a pity-me face and Zelda laughs before going out the door. I close it behind her and lock it, in case she tries to sneak in and steal my soul while I'm asleep.

But the door isn't soundproof, sadly. Her voice flows through the wood as though it were made of air—no wonder Romani can hear the mysterious snoring, "No, Sheik, I haven't forgotten. I will _get_ you, one way or another. And it's going to be soon. _Very_ soon." Then there's the sound of footsteps fading away and she's gone. I can hear Romani explaining to Zelda that she doesn't have a fan or a noisemaker to drown out 'my' snoring because she likes listening to nature at night. I've never heard _that_ one before.

I jump into bed without changing into my pajamas; I'm too tired and lazy to do anything but sleep right now. Before I do that, however, I reach under my pillow and pull out the old picture of Zelda (without letting Link see) that got her on the Milk Bar stage in the first place. She mailed it to me back when she thought it was funny, but sadly for her, it was a dreadful mistake on her part. It's nice to have a good laugh before bed, you should try it. Oh, wait, I forgot; I need to turn out the lights. I put the picture back and get up to walk towards the door. Before I flick the switch, I notice Link staring at me, holding up his blackboard: _What the hell was that threat about?_

I only smile mysteriously, even though I'm kind of freaking out. I now feel for sure that whatever Zelda is going to do, it's going to be historical. "Oh, nothing. She's just a little bluffer, she is." Yeah right, I wish. Thank god for locks on doors and windows. I turn out the lights.

* * *

**A/N:** A couple of things.

--Obviously, **Face Down lyrics belong to the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.**

--I don't know if you can or can't snore with strep throat. I've never had it. My mom's had it though, and from what she says (colorfully), it sucks complete ass. Snoring seems like it would irritate the throat, so yeah.

--For some reason, I can't write in first-person without straying to third every now and then, so forgive me if I do. I don't know how I keep forgetting, but oh well. Actually, I might use third-person when it gets to Romani's POV, just because it's MM. Maybe.

--I keep on wanting to type Malon instead of Romani, so forgive me for that too if it happens. Dang parallel people…

--About Poveglia Island: there's no such island anywhere in any of the Zelda games, but it's a real island. You should Google search it; I promise it's not creepy at all. -cough-

I seriously had no idea how hard it is to start writing fanfiction. I now have a _lot_ more respect for the authors here. I'll never whine about lack of updates again.

Thank you, good night, and review if you feel like it. I could use the CnC; how else am I gonna improve if nobody tells me how much I suck? I'm finishing the story regardless, even though I have no idea how. It's kinda fun. Whee! :D


	2. Jackpot

**A/N:** Hello invisible people who looked at my story. I see you. Thanks for at least checking this out. Really.

I can't decide on what this story should be rated, in case I go overboard with the language. I'll go with T, and warnings at the beginnings of certain chapters for said language.

I think I talk too much, so I'm going to try not to. This chapter'll switch POVs frequently. Don't get confused, now.

**Disclaimer:** I don't feel like it.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Jackpot!**

"What does nature sound like?" I ask, organizing my three suitcases. It's mostly clothes, since I'm not big on personal possessions. Other than my cell phone and journal ('diary' is just too mushy), and a few other things that aren't really worth mentioning right now.

"You know, like… the crickets, the wind, the rain; all that good stuff." She's fluffing her pillows. I notice they're patterned like a cow.

"Oh, okay. Sounds relaxing," I say. I feel around in my bag for a pair of socks. It's a bit chilly in here, with the window open. I guess that's the price for listening to nature at night.

"Zelda," Romani says, now laying on her bed, underneath her thick blankets, which aren't cow-patterned. She isn't really looking at me, "can I ask you a few things?" I hear a door from faraway open and close. The faint sounds of footsteps up the stairs—too many to be just one person. Talon and Cremia must be back.

"Sure." Wearing the thickest socks I had packed, I collapse onto my temporary bed, made out of the couch cushions from downstairs. There wasn't any time to gather the hay.

"How long have you been in touch with Sheik?" She moves a little bit, and is now looking at me. "It's just that, nobody ever noticed him constantly sending out mail or getting phone calls or anything. I _live_ with him and I didn't see a thing! And you two are so buddy-buddy—well, not _now_, but you know—I'm pretty sure you've been talking for quite a while." We're quiet for a second before she adds a, "So?"

I took a second to do the math. "Maybe… hmm, well, I was nine when my dad first told me about Sheik, so… I guess almost seven years? Around six and a half, more or less." I don't remember today's date; so sue me if I'm off by a bit.

"Seriously?" She turns on her back and looks up at the ceiling, but I still look at her. "That's kind of odd. Sheik never showed any sign of having a, uh, long term pen pal—sorry, I couldn't think of a better word. But why wouldn't he mention you?"

"I told him not to."

"Really? What for?" She's still looking at the ceiling. Isn't it rude for people to not make eye contact when talking, or something?

"I was nine. The idea of having a secret friend to write to excited me. Of course, my dad knew, but nobody else did. Nobody else." I'm starting to drift off now. The lights are off and she's right about nature; it's very serene and easy to fall asleep to.

"Hmm," she mumbles, and I can tell that we're both not too far off from Dreamland. "Interesting. G'night."

"Night," I whisper, and I start to count sheep, just for the heck of it. I'm feeling to peaceful and relaxed, it won't be another thirty seconds before I'm out. One sheep, two sheep—oh look, he's wearing a nightcap—three sheep, four sheep, is that a cow? Five sheep… six sheep… seven… sheep… cow… sheep… sh—

_KHHOOOONNNKK, SCHOOOOOO_…_ KHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKKK, SCHHOOOOOOO_…

Romani groans drama-queen style and sits up. I get up, too. The sound that's flying around the house is both horrifyingly inhuman and ridiculously loud. I mean _loud._

"Is this the infamous snoring you mentioned?" I ask, pulling the blanket back to get out of bed, but it tangles around my legs. I fall to the floor with a soft _thud._

"Yes, yes it is. Damn it to hell, _Sheik!_" The moonlight is illuminating her face, she looks seriously pissed. "I'm going to find one of dad's dirtiest, crustiest socks so I can shove it _straight_ up his obnoxious nose."

"I'm coming too. I've gotta see this," and I feel around in my bag again for my phone. It has a camera in it, as well as a video recorder. This wouldn't cover the stunt Sheik pulled, not even close. But it would be good for a laugh.

_KHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKKK, SCHHOOOOOOO_…

We tip-toe down the dark hallway and stop right in front of our destination. Well, our destination's door. I give it a soft push and it doesn't budge. I push harder and it laughs at my attempts. "He locked the door." Are we getting paranoid now, Sheik?

"Of course he did," Romani whispers, still sounding furious, "and I don't care. I never bothered him about this before, I figured it couldn't go on forever! But this is getting retarded. We're getting into that room _now._" She moves in front of me, raising her right hand in the hair, palm flat. And she starts smacking the door. Hard. "Sheik! _Sheik,_ you bastard, open this door! I'm _sick_ of this noise! Open up!" She keeps smacking.

It doesn't take but a few seconds for a pissed-off Sheik to unlock and yank open the door, glaring at a pissed-off Romani and I. His hair makes it look like he's just been struck by lightning, and I'm sure there's no way I'm gonna get the opportunity to snap a picture before he can shut the door. Damn. "What the freakin' hell do you _want?_ Do you know what _time_ it is?"

"No, I don't, and it doesn't matter what time it is, because I can't sleep!" His face turns to a mix of confusion and annoyance, and she jabs a finger at him. "This noise needs to _end,_ Sheik. I don't care if I have to cut your nose off, but I will. I don't see how Link is able sleep through this bullshit, if I can hea—"

_KHHOOOONNNKK, SCHOOOOOO_… _KHHOOOONNNKK, SCHOOOOOO_…

And with that, Romani, looking stunned, loosely drops her finger from Sheik's face. His smile is smug and begging for someone to tear it off. "Looks like I'm clean." He turns around for a second and looks back at us. "Link says to go away, you're giving him a headache with your banging. Good night." With that, he shuts the door and I can hear the lock slide back into place.

"Well, that sure is a twist." I look behind us at the two other doors where the noise could be coming from. "Which one is it?"

"I-I have no id-dea," Romani says, still facing Sheik's door. "I was so sure it was him…"

"Well, it wasn't. And if you want to get some sleep tonight, there are only two people left." It obviously isn't Link or Sheik. Maybe it _is_ Talon…

_KHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKKK, SCHHOOOOOOO_… _KHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKKK, SCHHOOOOOOO_…

"I'll take my dad, you take Cremia," Romani says. We don't bother whispering or being quiet anymore, the noise is so loud.

Both of us stand in front of a different door. Romani pushes Talon's door and walks inside. I do the same with Cremia's; it isn't locked. I walk in, slowly, towards Cremia, who's sprawled across her bed. She didn't bother changing out of her work clothes. Her noisemaker is set to _Waterfall,_ though the sound of rushing water can't be something anybody would want to sleep to. Whatever, to each their own.

It only takes one moment later for the current problem to become crystal clear.

**_KHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKKK, SCHHOOOOOOO_…**

I sigh in defeat. Cremia is way too gentle-looking to be able to snore this loud. And what am I supposed to do now? Stuff her nose with something?

I turn to walk out, and I see Romani standing in the doorway. She looks oddly calm. "Her?"

"Her."

We nod to each other and head back for Romani's room. It was just one night, and we would deal with Cremia in the morning, in the most polite way possible. If there's a polite way to say 'You snore like an earthquake from hell!'

* * *

I have to say, waking up to the classical '_cock-a-doodle-dooo!_" is more annoying than it sounds. Especially since I was having a nice dream involving Zelda, skates, and a bottomless trench. I can't say I remember much, but who cares?

Certainly not the smug cucco, who's still squawking. Do they even sleep?

I grumble to myself about why birds have to wake up so early before I get up. I need clothes. Clean clothes. So I dig around for some in the dresser that's very far away from Link and his disease.

"Hey," I hear him mumble. So the cucco got him too. "It doesn't hurt to talk." I can sense the smile in his voice.

"Good for you." I find a pair of jeans that still has grass stains on them, but they're clean enough. A plain white T-shirt and my favorite black and gray hoodie, and I'm good to go.

"Getting together with the others today?" Now he sounds hurt, since he's still not well enough to go out in public. Sucks.

"No, maybe I'll bring them here." Gross, these socks feel like sandpaper. "It doesn't matter for you though, since you're still cursed."

"I won't get close to anybody," he promises, sluggishly sliding out of bed, "but I'm not going to just sit here by myself." He starts moving towards me—the dresser, actually—and I immediately shriek in protest.

"No! Wait! I told you, you're still sick. Stay away from me." You have to understand, most of the clothes are clean, and I don't feel like allowing a virus to happily make itself at home on them.

"Okay, okay, fine." He holds his hands up as if to say 'stop.' "Just, scooch out of the way so I can get some clothes." And he comes even closer.

"Back! I said _back,_ you fiend!" I grab a belt from inside the top drawer and start swishing it around the air between us. He jumps back a bit. "I'll get your clothes for you." I reach in and grab, well, something. I can't really tell, but I toss the bundle at him anyways. He looks at them, then at me, confusion practically oozing from his aura.

"These are your clothes." Fuck. That's what I get for sharing.

"Well, fine. You've already destroyed them. Go ahead, put them on. Would you like to use my toothbrush as well?"

He ignores me and takes the clothes with him, on his way to the bathroom. "That was a joke, stay away from my toothbrush!" I call out quickly. I'm left alone in our room. Again, alone.

Zelda and her softly whispered threats are still haunting me, so being alone isn't good. I quickly put on a comfortable pair of socks and hurry downstairs. Romani's in the small kitchen, preparing the toaster for her frozen waffles. Zelda is nowhere to be seen, and I feel paranoia creep up on me, the sick stalker.

"Morning. Waffle?" She holds out one of the two waffles she's about to put into the toaster. I shake my head no. "Suit yourself," and she shoves them both into a slot. "I'm sorry about last night," she suddenly says.

"You should be. Barging in past the middle of the night. Who does that?" I need a tall glass of milk, and then I'll brush my teeth. If I remember.

"Just accept my apology and go do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing." She's focusing on her waffles, as if it's her mind that controls the heat. "How's Link today?"

"Better. He's able to talk without his throat trying to strangle itself." I gulp down the delicious milk in seconds. I guess I will brush my teeth. If Link touched my toothbrush, he's going down. "But he's going to be like, _wandering_ around the ranch. So watch out, hide your valuables, and scream for help if he gets too close."

"Mm hmm." She's still focusing on her waffles. It's starting to creep me out. "Gotcha. Hey, do me a favor?"

"Does it involve leaving the ranch in any way?" I walk towards the stairs.

"Maybe. Find Zelda and tell her I need to ask her a favor. I tried calling her cell, but she won't answer." I wonder if she's chanting in her head: _Waffles waffles waffles waffles..._

"You're asking me to do a favor, so that you can ask someone else for a favor? Weird." I shake my head. "But sure, if I can find her." Or if she finds me. I head up the stairs, and the bathroom door is open, lacking an occupant. Talon and Cremia are still asleep. They always are, after spending all night at work. I go into the bathroom, grab my toothbrush and clean my teeth until they sparkle. Maybe not, but they don't feel grungy for now.

I go into my room, and there's Link, sitting on his bed. I thought he wasn't just going to sit here by himself. "What're you doing?"

He shrugs. "Waiting for you. I don't have plans, and you're always doing something." Hmm. I'm getting an idea here. Vulnerable friend tagging along plus searching for a revenge-bent cousin equals...

A delayed strike of said cousin? Maybe? "Wanna help me look for Zelda? Romani wants to talk to her, but she doesn't know where she is." Which is a big warning. If nobody knows where Zelda is, nobody knows when she'll be back. And for me, that can't be anything positive.

He looks interested. "Sure. Let me grab my jacket," and he bends over, slowly and painfully, to get his jacket lying next to his bed. "Sheesh, that was exhausting."

"Are you sure you're okay? Maybe you shouldn't come." Who gets tired from bending over? "It's just Zelda, she can't be far. Probably take no time at all."

"No, no. I'm coming. I've been stuck in this room for_ever_, and I'm bored." He puts on his jacket, also slowly. "So I'm coming," he repeats.

"Fine, but I'm entitled to seven feet of personal space." I think for a bit before adding, "Feel free to cough on Zelda, though. Anything to put off her twisted vengeance."

"Yeah, about that; why is she plotting your death again? What did you do?"

"Eh, I just made her sing at the Milk Bar last night. Nothing big." We're walking down the stairs, and I notice that Romani's gone. She must have devoured her waffles whole. "But now she's convinced that she deserves revenge, because she normally gets really stage-fright. Even though she _didn't,_ because her favorite song of all time happened to come on. So she had fun and is denying it by planning something awful on my very soul. What did I say about my seven feet?" He quickly backs up a bit as we walk out the door. Link closes it behind him but doesn't lock it. The lock's on the inside and besides, Talon and Cremia are still inside.

"That doesn't really make any sense," Link mumbles, "but I guess I can kind of see the way she's thinking."

"So what, you're on her side? Are you going to join her little plot?"

"No, I'm just saying. If she had fainted or something, well, she'd have a better reason for wanting your head on a silver platter." He hesitates. "On the other hand, it ended up working out. So both of your actions... sort of cancel each other out, you know?"

I snort. If only, if only. "Try telling that to her."

* * *

I giggle softly from behind the washing machine. God knows Sheik has probably never set foot in a laundry room before, so it was naturally the perfect hiding spot. Romani soon joins me and whispers, "He took the bait, but I think he's got Link tagging along with him."

"Damn," I mumble. I don't really want Link to have to suffer, but I have no choice. This is war. "Oh well, he makes a bad choice, he suffers the consequences. Wait, what was that? The front door? Are they out?" Romani tip-toes a bit past the door and leans out.

"The door's shut. I think they're outside. No, wait, yes! I see them, they're out." We scramble out of the laundry room and head for the window by the front door. They're heading for Clock Town to look for me, but guess what? Here I am, Sheik, ready to even the score.

Sheik suddenly stops and says something to Link, before turning around. Here we go...

* * *

"Hang on, I forgot my phone. Just in case Romani or Zelda calls." I turn around and head back for the house. Link stands where he is, hands on his hips, feigning impatience. Just as I'm about to push the door open, there's the unmistakable _swish_ and _thunk_ of the door locking. The front door. Locking.

Crap. "Crap!"

"What?" Link is walking over. It doesn't look like he'll be stopping, so I need to remind him again. "Seven feet, Link, back up a bit. A little bit more; okay, there. And I said 'crap,' as in, _the door is freakin' locked!"_

"Locked?" He looks confused. "What do you mean? Why would we be locked out?" He moves closer and I hiss to keep him at bay. "Well, just knock on the door, and whoever it is will let us in."

So I take his sagely advice and knock.

* * *

He's knocking? He still doesn't get it? Poor, dense Sheik. "I can't think of anything witty to say," I whisper. I knew I should've made a list last night.

"So? Just say something." She's laughing silently to herself at Sheik's vain attempts to be let back in.

I lean towards the door and say in a melodious, bubbly voice, "This is Revenge, how may I help you?"

* * *

Link's eyes widen and I feel my stomach drop. I can't believe her. I honestly can't believe her.

And I honestly can't believe how easy it was for her to trick me. I bet she roped Romani into helping her, too. _Damn._

_"Zelda?"_ Link asks stupidly in a loud voice; he's still a few paces back. "What the hell?"

Zelda's face suddenly appears in the window next to the door. She has a mocking smile on her face and it really pisses me off. "Sorry, Link. You shouldn't have gotten involved. But it's too late for you." And her eyes, full of venom and death, turn onto me. "This is where we get even, Sheik. You know what it'll take for you to be let back inside, so I suggest you tell me."

I snort, "In your dreams. Do you realize how flawed your 'revenge' plan is?"

"What? You think I plan on keeping you out there forever or something?" She laughs. "I'm not that mean, honestly. You'll probably be back inside this nice, warm house by nightfall. _If_ you cooperate."

"We'll see," I say. She's got to be joking. I was expecting something a bit more mature and thought out. But this? Link is looking back and forth between me and Zelda; I have no idea where Romani is, the traitor.

"We _will_ see. If you won't tell me where it is, well, I'll just look through you're room. Since you can't do anything about it from outside and all." And she moves away from the window.

Link and I look at each other. He looks aghast, and I just look mildly annoyed. I'm not afraid of Zelda. I feel like an idiot for being afraid of her in the first place if _this_ is all she was planning. I turn to the door and bellow, "ROMANI!"

"Yes?" She answers, too sweetly, from behind the door. She must be holding the lock. Her tone makes me want to punch her so badly, despite us being close friends.

"I hate you," I say, and Link says at the same time, "What's the point of this?"

"I don't know," Romani says, "but I'm having fun doing it." I hear the sound of footsteps and Zelda's face appears at the window again. She looks positively thrilled as she triumphantly shouts, "JACKPOT!"

I really don't want to know what's making her that happy. "What?" I ask anyways. I can't help it.

"You're so bad at hiding things, Sheik. I found the picture under your pillow." And she waves the picture around for emphasis, though the actual picture isn't facing us. "And you'll never believe what else I found." She's practically foaming at the mouth with excitement. Romani's face is now beside Zelda's, probably curious as to what has her so happy. "I had actually looked in Link's mattress first, with gloves on, of course—sorry, Link, I had to look _everywhere, _and your side of the room seemed like a good hiding spot_._" Link looks horrified, and it makes my stomach feel queasy. "It's because of this photo that I sang, and I'll be damned if Sheik uses it to blackmail me again."

So I never told Link about the blackmailing part, which is why he turns his face to me, a look of disappointment and disbelief that I would do something like that. "You never said anything about blackmail." And then to Zelda, "Okay, now I see why you're doing this, Zel, but _please._ I've never done anything to you and I would _never_ stoop this low. _Please_ don't." Don't what? Don't _what??_

"Oh, I won't, I can promise you that. I'm not like Sheik, using information to make others bend to his will." What an exaggeration. "But, hey. I'm a girl, and I can't resist reading a teensy bit." She displays in her left hand a small, forest-green book. It looks like a mini spiral notebook. There's nothing on the cover, just green_._ What could be in that little book that's making Zelda so giddy?

"Come on," Link suddenly says, before turning and speed-walking towards Clock Town. "Hurry up!" he shouts, not really waiting for me at all.

"Bye, Link!" Zelda calls, giggling. "See you later!" Then she stops giggling to look at me. There's no more giddiness in her eyes. Now she just looks knowing, like she's reading my future. She puts the book in her pocket and grabs the curtains. But before closing them, she says one word to me:

"Diary."

And she closes the curtains.

* * *

**A/N:** Hmm. Not exactly what I was going for, but it'll do.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being completely off-topic, but rest assured, I'll get back to the let's-explore-Termina plot soon.

Those of you who are reading/glancing at this, thank you. It'll make me happy if you just read this while passing the time for the laundry to be done or something.

If I continue to suck at first-person, I may switch to third. Maybe. Only if I feel I suck too much at first. o.o


	3. Here's the Deal

**A/N:** I'm feeling really excited about writing this. I guess it's the knowledge of having my own little world to control.

In this chapter we meet the friends. God, straining to remembering their personalities is going to be my own personal hell.

And I've decided in terms of POV, I'll stick with Sheik and Zelda. I'm a lazy blob, and it's easier for me.

**Warning:** I don't know, language? Better safe than sorry. After Link's done being pissed, it'll be much more mellow.

**Disclaimer:** Nope, nothing. Except copies of OoT, MM, WW, and TP. And eventually, the 2010 Zelda. WANT.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Here's the Deal **

I'm clutching Link's small diary as if it held the answers to all of life's questions _and _the power to see into the future. Romani is staring at it in awe, but her face quickly falls. "Maybe this isn't a good idea," she says, tearing her eyes away from the book. Is she serious? I'm holding a _guy's diary._ No female in existence could resist this opportunity. Besides, it's not like I'm going to _do_ anything with it.

"Come on," I urge, staring hungrily at the little book. I haven't opened it yet, but I want to, so badly. Right now I'm just building up my anticipation. "We're just going to read a few pages. I swear I'm not going to use it against him, honest. I don't do things like that." Excuse me if I can't resist a little peek. We're not all perfect.

She's still not looking at me, I wonder if she's feeling _guilty_ or something. So I just shrug and open the book myself. It opens to a random page, and I look at the date: it was written the day before I got here.

_"Here I am again, alone, as I have been for who-knows-how-long. Being sick really sucks. Sheik just left a while ago, wearing a pair of my socks since he keeps tearing holes in his. I need to remind myself to stop him; I don't want holes in _my_ socks. But anyways, Sheik just left. I just wrote that. He told me that his "weird twin cousin" would be coming tomorrow. To stay. I didn't know Sheik had any family at all, much less a twin of any kind."_

I know, it's always shocking when you get the news that there's someone else who looks exactly like you running around unsupervised. It's a scary thought, if you sit and actually think about it hard enough.

_"He said her name is Zelda; never heard that name before. I wonder what she'll be like—hopefully not too much like Sheik. I like him and all, but there's already too much Sheik with just him around, if you know what I mean."_

Ooh, Link, you cruel, heartless boy. That's a clear, swift shot to your best friend's crotch. Romani is now hovering over my shoulder, reading with interest. Guilt must have gotten bored and decided to piss off. I smirk; success!

_"Who knows, maybe she'll be really cool. And Romani will finally have a girl friend to room with, instead of dealing with Sheik and I all by herself. And we could introduce her to the guys and stuff! That might be fun. Aveil's always complaining about how she and Romani are the only girls in a group of Y-chromosomes. Really, there are only four guys. But I've always thought that Mikau might be gay, but he's still a guy."_

"WHAT?" Romani screeches, snatching the diary from my hands. She's very quick, and my mind doesn't have time to register the fact that my prize is missing from my claws before Romani continues her high-pitched noises. "There's no way Mikau is _gay!_ It's so obvious he's got the hots for Aveil! They _all_ do!" She throws, no, _hurls_ the book at me, and I snatch it out of the air a split second before it would have connected with my face. "Link needs to open his eyes, I swear!"

Why the hell is she getting her panties in a twist over a small speculation? Did _she_ have a crush on Mikau or something? Well, it's not something I'm going to ponder, I think. "Maybe that's enough for now," I say, tucking the book in my arms and heading for the stairs. And yes, I said that's enough for _now._ I fully intend on reading more later, if the opportunity ever parades itself anywhere within my reach. Romani just rolls her eyes and walks away, to do whatever it is she does when she's alone.

I go into Link's room, holding my breath. I'm a little paranoid, okay? I find the big hole in the mattress where I'd stuck my hand in a while ago (take that sentence out of context and die) and shove the diary back in—before taking it right back out. It's no good to put it back, since Sheik is likely to sneak in and snatch it for himself.

So I'll do Link a personal favor and keep it for him until he gets back. Now he owes me one, ha.

But for right now I run into the bathroom. I need to wash my hands before I hide the diary in my underwear drawer. Like most people, I don't fancy walking around in a pair of virus-infested underwear.

* * *

_Fuck_ is pretty much the only word that's clearly coming out of Link's mouth. Occasionally I catch my name, but then it's straight back to the cussing. I wish he'd stop yelling, even though I should feel ashamed.

He kind of sounds like this: "FUCK... fucking idiot, Sheik... blackmail, your own cousin... fucking got me involved, _fuck… _the humiliation… why did she have to find it, _fuck..._"

As you can tell, it's not very nice. But I'm not one to talk, sadly. It's still quite a ways to Clock Town.

"I'm sorry, Link," I say, not even daring to look at him. "I didn't know she'd find—didn't even know you _had_ a journal!"

"That's kind of the POINT!" he snarls. I'm not used to Link being pissed, since he normally gets over it quickly. I don't think this is going away any time soon, unless I get crafty. "I didn't WANT you to know, but now _she_ does, and... just, FUCK FUCK _FUCK!_"

"Take it easy, Link," I say, although I have no idea if he'll actually listen to me or if he'll snap and try to break my neck. "You're not the type to spill your guts on paper. I don't think you'd have written anything worth getting embarrassed about."

"_Wrong_," he hisses, still angrily. "I-I... sometimes, I—" he gulps, his anger quickly melting away. He got over that kind of fast. Sometimes I even amaze myself. He doesn't say anything for a while until, "Sometimes I write my dreams down. In the middle of the night, and stuff." He blushes lightly and he looks ashamed.

"So? I don't think Zelda's much interested in someone else's dreams." I try to laugh a bit, to lighten up the mood, but Link is still staring at the ground, still blushing, harder even, and I just don't get it.

"I write my dreams down," he repeats in a small voice. "All of them." I'm still not getting it. Then he looks me straight in the eye and whispers, "_All._ Of. Them."

All of them? All of them... _All _of—all of his dreams... in the middle of the night... —Wait. No way, no _way_. "You didn't." The disbelief is obvious in my voice, as well as a hint of surprise. Who writes _that_ stuff down? That's just begging for someone to stumble across it!

"Yes." He closes his eyes. We're still walking. If he's about to bump into anything, I'm not going to tell him. He should watch where he's going.

"Okay, you're kind of screwed," I say, not even bothering to sugarcoat it. Suddenly I have a vision—not a real one, mind you, but close enough: Of Zelda and Romani, sitting on the living room couch, a plate of waffles on their laps, Link's journal open in the middle, Romani on her cell phone with the others on party line, them laughing their asses off until they cry and pant and can't breathe and choking on mouthfuls of waffle and they eventually pass out, their forgotten waffles slowly rotting on the wooden floor while their cell phones fall somewhere in the cracks of the couch.

"And guess who's fault it is?" he says back, forcefully.

"I'm really sorry. I honestly didn't think anything like this would happen." No god or goddess in existence could have seen this coming.

"It's still your fault," he mumbles. There's his weakness, and my lucky break. Link can't hold a grudge to save his life, thank god. After apologizing a few times, anybody's off the hook for any wrongdoing done to Link.

Without even thinking about it, I blurt out, "So, who was in these dreams of yours?" I seriously need to know. It's like, life or death curiosity here.

He just gives me a weird look before walking faster. But he's still a bit sick and can't move too fast, so I'm easily able to catch up to continue picking on him, "Come on, you can tell me! I'm your _best friend,_ I won't laugh. I promise! Is it Cremia? Aveil...? _Liiiiiinnnk_...!"

* * *

The deed is done. I have Link's diary comfortably tucked in my underwear drawer, where I know he and Sheik would never dream of searching, even if I put up signs around it: 'LINK'S DIARY ON DISPLAY, TICKETS 5 RUPEES, FREE IF YOU DIG AROUND FOR IT!'

Now I can safely enjoy my quiet time while Sheik and Link are off doing whatever it is guys do in town; probably to hunt some small animals or something. I head for my—it's hard to get used to calling a new room 'my'—room, and roam around inside my bag for one of the books I packed. There's no bookshelf in the room, so I never bothered taking my books out.

Ah, here we go; one of my fluffy romance novels_._ I always love reading a light, humorous love story. I arrange the two pillows on my bed (I packed one, but Romani provided the other), and steal Romani's pillow while I'm at it, since I want to lean back as opposed to lying down. I get myself all nice and comfy, the blanket wrapped around my legs, and begin to read. I'm never one to waste an opportunity to feel at peace, and since the boys could come back whining at any time, I've got no time to waste.

* * *

The guys—our friends—were all standing in front of the alley leading to the sewers in East Clock Town. They always meet us there, and we have our secret meetings in the sewers. Disgusting, I know, but nowhere anybody will come looking for us. But I'm glad we decided to make that our official meeting place: we once found a hundred rupees there! But we let Lulu have all of it, since she's technically the one who found it.

Our group is made up of unique, special, and occasionally freaky-ass teens. I love it. I don't need to talk about Romani, since you already know her and she doesn't deserve to be talked about right now. Zelda? Pfft, yeah right, NEXT! Mikau and Lulu. Mikau is pretty cool, although he tries to say things like 'groovy!' or 'right on!' and he actually flashes the peace sign as a goodbye. All the time. Sometimes I just really want to give in to my desire and _punch him_ when he does, but I never do. He likes attention; not necessarily the center, but not outside the ring either. Sometimes I wonder if he's gay, he certainly acts like it a lot, but it's not like I'm ever going to say it out loud, so I just let him be.

Lulu is his younger sister, but not by much. She's pretty much the same, but her brain is from _this_ decade. So naturally she's a lot cooler than Mikau (I'll never be caught saying this out loud). She's always looking on 'the _bright_ side of things, tee hee!' and that's good and all, but sometimes it's just downright annoying. She likes to sing too, as in, she'll just randomly sing if you talk to her. 'Hey, Lulu, what time is it?' '_I don't KNOOO-OOOH, let meeee CHE-ECK, baby!'_ And then she switches back to normal, 'Oh, it's noon. I'm hungry.'

Darmani is _big_ (no, perv) and _ripped._ Two plus two equals holy SHIT he could start his own personal earthquake if he wanted. The reason Mikau, Link and I are so thin is because our muscles tremble with fear and run for cover in the presence of Darmani. He loves bad jokes and puns, and once he starts laughing, the ground rumbles in a 'holy-hell-take-cover!' fashion, and if he claps you on the back for uttering the pun, _BAM!_ Say goodbye to walking and sleeping comfortably. If it weren't for the fact that he's ticklish as a giddy baby, he'd be one unstoppable force.

And last but not least, Aveil, the very definitions of sexy and kick-ass and, sometimes, bitchy. Her beautiful dark, tanned skin and fiery red hair (that puts Romani's to shame) are only the tips of the positive-clashing-negative iceberg. She loves flirting with all of us (guys, in case that wasn't obvious) just to piss us off. But half the time, she's so convincing that we'll fall for it for days before she delivers that bitch Reality, wrapped in sparkling purple paper with a pretty red 'haha it was so _easy_ too!' bow. I think she wants to be an actress, and I have to say that I agree. There's nothing she can't do or say without the perfect touch of movement, emotion, and voice. If anybody were to ever cross her, well, she surpasses Zelda in Evil Bitch mode. It's happened once, some little boy was pissing her off... but she doesn't like to talk about it. If anybody brings it up, she'll just giggle and walk away. So let's add 'slight creepiness' to her list.

Now that I've talked too much, all of us find our way into the sewers and into our little alcove of friendship. We all sit down on the ground, since it's dry, in a circle like some sort of friendship ceremony. "So," Aveil starts, her eyes zoning on me like I'm a big fat target. "Are you going to tell us about her?"

"Who?" Nobody. My cousin Zelda isn't here or anywhere. I deny her existence, she's too much of a bitch to be able to exist.

"Your cousin, _UH-UHHHHV COOOURSSSE!"_ Lulu wails, although she hit that note nicely. All eyes are on me, and for a second, I forget what Aveil said— Wait, cousin? They know about her already? But none of them were at the Milk Bar!

"Link texted me," Aveil says, her eyes focusing on me, probably tiring from the task of probing my brain. "And that's some juicy stuff. Why'd you never tell us? Even after she got here?"

"Link—? Wha...? When? Wait," I say, Confusion doing a lap dance in my head, "hold on. ... Okay, sorry I didn't tell you, although it's not really any of your business." It really wasn't and isn't, she's _my_ cousin. "I was planning on bringing her to meet you guys today, but we sort of had a... misunderstanding." Boy, did we.

Link snorts quietly, a mean snort, and I'm surprised Aveil doesn't have ears as good as her eyes, since she would have zoned in on him before anyone had time to blink. "Yeah, a _misunderstanding_." I can see the bitterness oozing from his mouth. It's green, shiny, it has one evil eye and it's glaring at me. Not really, but I still shudder at the thought.

"So where is she?" Mikau asks excitedly, practically bouncing on his butt. Okay dude, she's not the freakin' Great Fairy of All Things Holy, calm down.

"She's with Romani, obviously," I say, "we left her there. Although I can guarantee she's highly entertained." Link's jaw tightens and grinds with fury.

"Well, what are we doing here?" Darmani asks, heaving himself up, but slipping just enough to fall back on his butt. People as far as Ikana probably felt that one. "Let's go see her!" And he picks himself up again, this time successfully.

* * *

My book is just getting good when the house starts to rumble, out of nowhere. It only lasts a few seconds, not nearly long enough to wonder if it was an earthquake. Maybe Romani slammed a door or something. Oh well. I turn my attention back to my book for a good seven and a half minutes before—

"Sheik's on his way back," she calls from downstairs, I'm guessing. "And he's brought the gang with him!" she adds in a high-pitched, somewhat scared voice. Um, hello, aren't they _your_ friends? I should be the nervous one! They might burn me at the stake and eat my remains for messing with Sheik and Link. Crap.

But I'm sure my sob story will cut through any bullshit Sheik tries to shove at them. I can't wait.

So I hope out of bed and head downstairs, mentally preparing myself for Sheik's crowd. They can't be all bad, since Link hangs out with them and he's pretty nice. Although, after my little discovery, little can be said about what he'll do now.

I place myself in front of the window as though I'm on stage, standing straight, showing no weakness. Wow, Sheik's friends are _assorted._ There's him and Link, normal enough. Then comes a boy and a girl who are obviously related. Their skin is so pale it almost looks light blue. The girl is just a few inches shorter than he is. I think I could take them. Next is a _huge_ guy, and I feel a strike of fear. He would definitely eat my remains. Maybe if I kick him straight in the crotch, I'll have time to escape. Last is a dark-skinned girl who doesn't look too terrible, although she looks like a runner. Predictable. I bet she has a dagger concealed in her clothes or something.

"ZELDA!" Sheik bellows, not very nicely at all, "would you let us in now?!" He dares to lean his weight onto his right foot, putting a hand on his hip in a bored gesture. He would definitely become bored from standing outside all night, I think smugly. Romani stands behind me, able to see them but out of their view.

"Maybe," I sing-song, still checking out the rest of them. They're all watching me with amusement and not vengeance, to my relief. Link looks at me with wide, shiny eyes and a small pout, begging for me to at least let _him_ inside or something. Please, I bet he practices that look all the time. _I'm_ no sucker.

"For God's sake, Zelda!" Sheik rages, drama queen style, "Why won't you stop? You've already won! You got the pi—" he suddenly freezes, his accusatory finger still pointing at me. Oh dear, Sheik, have we not confessed to our sins? Am I going to have to do it for you? He lowers his finger mumbles, "Please just open the door."

I guess I am. "Why should I? After you _BLACKMAILED ME_ to perform in front of a _LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE _when you _KNOW_ I have _SERIOUS STAGE FRIGHT_—" I put so much emphasis on each word I wouldn't be surprised if Sheik wakes up tomorrow with bruises all over his face—"I'm not in much of a mood to do you any favors." And I cross my arms to wait for his response.

Lord have mercy, I've never seen Sheik shrink like that. Granted, I've never really seen him before, but you know what I mean. All eyes are now on him, and it feels wonderful. The dark-skinned girl 'tsk-tsk-tsk's.

"B-but you h-had fun!" he stutters quietly. Oh dear, now he's trying to copy Link's let-me-in-pretty-please look. Now I _know_ Link rehearsed it.

"It doesn't matter," I say, feigning a glare so realistic and believable that I should win an award or get a medal. "You forced me into a horribly uncomfortable situation for your own amusement and you don't deserve mercy.

"But, you know, you're my cousin and I love ya," I continue. All heads snap up at this, and Link winces, probably from whiplash. It's fun taking people by surprise. "So of course I'll let you in." Sheik smiles apologetically, but I'm afraid he isn't off the hook yet. "Although, I can't completely let it slide, or else you wouldn't learn your lesson properly." His smile drops while everyone else's rises. "Link, dear, step forward."

Fear flashes across his face and he steps hesitantly toward me. I don't care anymore if he's sick; the virus can suck it. He stands directly in front of me. I hope he doesn't try to strangle me or pull my hair. I lean forward, right into his face; his eyes are a pretty shade of blue, like the blue the ocean would be if it weren't so polluted. He stays put as I whisper somewhat menacingly, "Here's the deal: your ticket inside is for Sheik to do the Dirty Dance. You know, the one from your _diary_." He gulps. "I want it done with a _smile _on his face, too. Feel free to join him," I add in a pleasant voice. I lean back and I notice now he's smiling a little bit at the thought. I don't think he'll join Sheik, but it will be an absolute treat to watch. He nods and asks, "What do you know?"

I wave my hand dismissively. "Not that much. Swear." I point to Sheik. "Now, teach. Please." I wink, just for the hell of it. He blushes and hurries away to Sheik, who flinches slightly at Link getting so close in his current state. He starts whispering in his ear. He must be whispering the entire dance to Sheik, because he's taking forever. The look on Sheik's face slowly gets darker and darker until it looks like he's going to explode from the buildup of hatred. Then Link backs away towards the rest of his friends, standing with hands in his pockets. All of them look confused as hell. I'm almost bubbling with excitement.

Sheik gives me a death look and huffs. He straightens up, slaps a messy smile on his face and oh my good holy god above, he actually does the Dirty Dance. I can't believe Link actually wrote the dance steps down from one of his dreams. It has to be the most amazing thing ever, seriously.

Sheik stands with his legs together, feet permanently facing forward. He leans forward and to the left, keeping his arms straight and flapping them up and down as he bends his knees simultaneously in a steady beat. _"Do the dirty dance_—" now he leans forward and to the right, continuously flapping his arms and bending his knees—_"do the dirty dance_—" back to the forward/left—_"do it, d-d-do it." _Now forward/right, _"Do the dirty dance_—" rinse and repeat—_"do the dirty dance, do it, d-d-do it. Do the dirty dance_—"

"Louder!" I bark over the roars of laughter from his friends. The big, scary-looking one is actually rolling on his back uncontrollably. I think he's about to pass out.

Sheik complies, but not without a quick middle finger in my direction. He's still fake-smiling. _"_—_DO THE DIRTY DANCE, DO IT, D-D-DO IT! DO THE DIRTY DANCE, DO THE DIRTY DANCE, DO IT, D-D-DO IT! DO THE DIRTY DANCE, DO THE DIRTY DANCE, DO IT, D-D-DO IT!"_

"Okay, okay, stop! For God's sake, _stop_ it!" I shriek with laughter. I haven't laughed this hard in years and it feels like I've died and gone to a comedic heaven. I'm crying and laughing and holding my stomach, my body threatening to tumble to the floor if I don't get a grip soon.

Eventually, everyone pulls themselves together and they stand up straight. Sheik is burning with humiliation; something I probably would have felt hadn't I been saved by my favorite song. Are you seeing what I did there, Sheik?

"Romani, unlock the door," I say, not in a commanding voice but of a 'pretty-please-do-me-a-favor' voice. I turn back to the others and announce, "Come on in. I need to know who you are so I can properly decide how much I like you."

* * *

Introductions were made and soon we were all happy and cozy and completely comfortable around each other. Except of course, my burning hatred for Zelda at the moment. I can't believe I had to _dance_ just to be let in _where I live._ I can't say I didn't deserve it, but still! It was embarrassing and evil and I'm pretty sure that I now have chorophobia.

But that didn't stop Zelda from chatting my friends up, and them from hanging on to her every word like she's the ruler of the world delivering a speech. "I won't deny that I had fun, but really, it was a one-time thing. It's the principle of his actions that really hurt me." Sympathetic nods from the girls and the guys just nod in mild understanding. I want to scream. "I could never show my face again had I fainted in front of all those people. And the nerve of Sheik to pull a stunt like that and not even apologize!"

If she starts to fake-cry, I'm going to cut her hair off tonight.

It takes another twenty minutes for me to mumble an apology. I keep on having to repeat it louder and louder, and Lulu suggests I just sing it. Like hell. But once Zelda finally accepts and gives me a quick hug, I realize I can finally relax. No more revenge, no more war. Just _peace._

"So I'm thinking," Link says from the far end of the couch, because of his disease—which reminds me, I need to wash out my ear, "is that we show Zelda the Southern Swamp tomorrow." Nods of agreement. Who died and made _him_ queen? "Then Snowhead; I think you'll like it there, it's beautiful during springtime." He shoots her a dazzling smile that makes me want to roll my eyes as far as they'll go while everyone nods like the puppets they are. "And then the Great Bay—I don't think you took the time to walk around and enjoy the beach thoroughly. And then we can head to Ikana last. It's a little bit creepy over there, and none of us have really explored it, but I think it could be fun."

"_Kind _of creepy?" Lulu snorts. "I wouldn't be surprised if the entrance to Hell was hidden there." I can see Zelda's look of interest. Forget exploring Ikana, let Zelda _move_ there. I'll even have Dampé engrave her a lovely gravestone decorated with flowers and hearts and other girly things. 'Here Lies Zelda: Rest In Peace, You Will Be Missed, Never Come Back.'

Romani gets up and walks into the kitchen. "You guys can go ahead and stay over, if we're going to leave first thing in the morning." Darn, now I had to spend time with my friends. Looks like I'd be missing the second Karaoke Night. Heaven knows I'll never be able to drag Zelda there again in this lifetime, but I'll be damned if I miss Karaoke Nights next weekend. "Call your folks if need be."

Mikau and Lulu get up to call their parents. Aveil takes this opportunity to plop next to Darmani and flirt with him a little bit. I give him forty-seven seconds before he gives in and starts flirting back.

"Well, I'm going to go take a quick nap," Link says, getting up to stretch. His jacket and shirt lifts up a little bit, exposing his hips and lower back. Zelda glances at him—I would pay BIG bucks for a picture of Zelda and Link at this moment—but then hurriedly looks away. "I'm feeling kinda dizzy." And he goes up the stairs, taking two at a time.

Zelda closes her eyes and does absolutely nothing for a minute, before standing and heading up the stairs herself. Be careful, Zelda, he's still sick. No kissy-kissy unless you want throat hurty-hurty.

* * *

After a quick detour, I approach Link's door, which is wide open, so I don't need to worry about walking in on him changing or anything; although he seems to have already changed into a plain white T-shirt and green flannel pajama pants. That was fast.

"Link?" I ask quietly. I still don't know what he's thinking about the whole diary situation. Maybe he won't kill me silently in the night. But when he looks at me, he seems _happy._ Confusion alert.

"Hey Zelda," he says, jumping into his bed. "Come to give me a goodnight kiss?" He tries to look completely innocent.

"I don't think people give goodnight kisses for a nap," I say, smiling. I walk over to sit down on his bed, diseases be damned. I play with my hair while I wait for him to say something.

"So," he finally says, trying to look me in the eyes, "can I help you with anything?" So I pick that moment to toss my journal on his lap, before I lose my nerve. It's a dark gray color, with a purple pen (that writes in black ink) attached to it by a rubber band. He picks it up and looks at it like he's never seen a book before. "Um, thanks?"

"It's my journal," I say, not looking at him. Hey, Sheik's bed is pretty interesting. I think I'll stare at it until it catches on fire.

He looks at it for another minute or so. "And what am I supposed to do with it?"

I sigh; I thought it was obvious. "You're supposed to read it, dummy." Okay, that look of complete confusion is starting to get really adorable, Link. Please stop. "I read yours—and I'm glad I did, by the way, the Dirty Dance is just too hilarious for words," and we both giggle at that "—so it's only fair that you get to read mine. Makes us even." I get up to leave; it doesn't look like Sheik's bed will be catching fire any time soon. As I'm about to walk away, Link's hand shoots out and grabs my wrist. There's a second where it burns like crazy, but then feels oddly comfortable. Like a bracelet that I've worn my whole life.

He looks like he doesn't know what to say, but decides on, "Uh... thanks, um, I guess. You don't have to do this." He hardens his gaze and the purely honest look he's giving me is eerie. "You said you didn't read much, and I trust you." Trust me after a few hours _and _after I read your diary? Are you crazy?

But it still makes me feel infinite glee. "I know, but still. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't. Give it back whenever you don't want to read anymore. I'm going to quiz you on what you've read, though, just to make sure." I break away from his grip so I can fully turn around and bow to him. "Enjoy." We both laugh lightly and before I leave the room I quickly add, "And don't worry, I won't tell Darmani about your kinky sex dream!" before getting the hell outta there—holy crap, his face is _priceless_ as he wails, "_It was _one_ dream!"_—and closing the door behind me.

…

All right, I admit it. I'm a pansy: I quickly head for the bathroom to scrub my hands and my face. Nobody likes being sick, and I'm no exception.

* * *

**A/N:** All right, I'm moving along, at a sluggish pace. And no, Link isn't gay, in case anyone wondered. Nobody can control their sex dreams (but if you can, asldfkjsd PM ME IMMEDIATELY).

Not even a day and a half and already a lot's happened. Sheik and Zelda are such drama queens. Wonder what will come of their tour of Termina?

A special cookie to **Kamil the Awesome** for being my first (and probably last :P) reviewer! That was really nice of you. Although, if you don't like me shining the spotlight on you, feel free to take the cookie and duck back into the shadows. I don't mind. :D


	4. Red and Mikau

**A/N:** Darn it, I meant to credit the Dirty Dance at the end of the last chapter! I knew I was forgetting something. D: Oh well, better late than never.

Today is the last do-nothing day before the journey to the Southern Swamp. So, you know, I got bored trying to think of ways they could pass the time. Whoops.

**Warning(s):** Switching POVs a lot without warning and maybe a few naughty words here and there.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the games, because if I did, Link would probably be shirtless the entire time. I also don't own the Dirty Dance. I don't know who does—but whoever created it, you are _amazing_. Thank you for a hilarious dance!

* * *

**Chapter Four: Red and Mikau**

"What's my favorite color?" I ask, keeping my eyes locked onto his. It's like a staring contest and a quiz all in one. "And if you get this answer wrong, I'll destroy you."

Link just smirks and holds his gaze with mine, but he can't fool me. I can see it in his shiny, focused eyes, struggling to find the answer. "It's... no, don't tell me. I can get this—isn't it... um, violet?"

"Correct," I say, but a bit disappointed that it took him that long to get it. At least he got it right. "Okay, go."

After his 'quick nap' that lasted maybe forty or so minutes, I tip-toed in to put his diary back—I had forgotten all about hiding it—only to find Link wide awake, reading my journal. _Take a quick nap,_ my ass. He's reading it, though, so that earns him a few brownie points.

So after I gave his diary back, I sat on Sheik's bed and we started quizzing each other. And I have to say, it's an odd thing to be doing, quizzing each other on the contents of our private thoughts, but I find it fun. Apparently Link does too.

"What's my favorite pair of underwear?" he finally asks. I knew for sure this one would pop up eventually when we started the quiz.

"The white ones that are covered in bright green turtles," I say, "and they're _boxers."_ Bonus points, baby!

"That's right," he says. He readjusts himself on his bed so that he can rest on his side but still face me. "Go. I promise I'll be faster this time." Don't make promises you can't keep, Link.

But I really want to make him stumble, so I snap my brain to attention to dig around and find a memory or secret that Link will struggle to remember reading. It's weird, I can't even remember half of what I'd written down, but when Link gives me the answers to the questions I know, more of my forgotten secrets come back to me in a flash.

"Hello? Zelda? Any time, now." Link's waving his arms around in an attempt to bring me back. "Don't hurt yourself thinking."

"Shut up," I mutter, finally deciding on a hard one (a hard _question_, sicko). "What's the name of my island?"

"Poveglia," he says without any hesitation. Okay, this boy is good. "It's a weird name, so I thought I should remember it. Glad I did." Now he's getting smug. Let's see if I can't knock him off his high horse.

"Lucky guess," I say dismissively. He shoots me a playful glare and we both laugh a little bit before continuing, with Link starting off:

Link: "What's my favorite time of year?"

Me: "The transition between spring and summer."

Link: "Right. That was an easy one."

Me: "I'm so sure. What's the name of the boy who stalked me back at home?"

Link: "Mido. Did he really try to crawl through your bedroom window?"

Me: "Correct, and yes, he did. Shoving him out and calling the cops was extremely satisfying."

Link: "Sounds like it would be. When did I buy my first condom?"

Me: "I refuse to answer that question out loud." Of course I blush. Blushing is of no use and is very uncomfortable and whoever finds a cure for it, I will _worship_ them. Although it looks cute on Link; no cure for him.

It continues like this for quite a while. I don't know how long, there's no clock in the room and nobody bothers us. I wonder what they're doing; maybe Romani put on a movie to capture their attention while Link 'naps.'

* * *

"What the hell is Zelda doing up there," Romani asks, passing everyone individual bowls of popcorn, "sleeping with him?" Which of course causes all of us to quietly giggle.

"You know what I mean," she quickly says, plopping down on the couch with her popcorn. We giggle even louder. I dare you to try to word it without making it sound dirty.

So Romani just gives in and rolls her eyes before flipping on the TV. There's some random romantic comedy playing on some random channel, and the only reason I'm watching it is to pass the time. But oddly, my thoughts keep straying back to Link and Zelda. What is she doing? What are _they_ doing? Is he holding her hostage up there for peeking in his journal? It doesn't sound like him, but I can't think of any other (clean) reason for Zelda to be staying up there.

So I just give up and jump off of the bean bag chair I was sitting in, quickly saying, "I'm gonna go change my socks," before running up the stairs as quietly as possible. I don't even have to look back to know that Mikau stole my seat. He hates sitting on the floor for long periods of time, because it hurts his butt.

I rudely barge into _my _room. Zelda is sitting on my bed and Link on his. They both turn and chirp, "Hello!" ...A little too cheerfully. Well, they obviously weren't having sex, with the door unlocked and all. Were they just sitting there talking? Does anybody actually do that? I would go out of my mind with boredom!

"Um, hello," I say nervously, "we were just wondering what you—_Zelda,_ what you're still doing up here. Since Link said he would be _napping."_ I glare accusingly at both of them, hoping to make them squirm. But they're completely unfazed.

"Oh, we were just talking," Zelda says, standing up and smoothing imaginary wrinkles from her shirt. "You coming back down, Link, or are you still tired?"

"What are you guys doing?" Link asks, the question directed at me. I tell him about the movie and he quickly hops out of bed. "Really? Cool, I could use a good laugh." Then he stops and looks at me funny. "Unless you're willing to do the Dirt—"

"_NO."_ The very nerve of him to ask!

"All righty then," he says, "let's go." He and Zelda quickly walk past me and head downstairs without waiting.

For some reason, it really pisses me off. _"All righty then,"_ I mimic. _"Unless you're willing. Blah blah blah!"_ Then I go downstairs too. I need company or I'll go insane.

* * *

The movie was pretty good, I'll admit. I would have enjoyed it more if it weren't for Darmani's constant humongous belly-laughs. We all had to clear the room for fear of being flattened.

But, you know, other than that, the movie was pretty funny and had a wonderful ending. Happily ever after, the perfect kiss, the whole enchilada. The gorgeous hunk of man playing the main character's lover made the movie all the more lovable.

Sadly, this left us with nothing to do, and we still had more than half a day to kill. What are we supposed to do now?

Enter Cliché, delivered in the form of one dear Lulu: "TRUTH OR DARE, BABY!" Wow, the screaming is really unnecessary. But I love the enthusiasm.

We all agree, except for Sheik and Mikau, complaining that 'Truth or Dare is a _girls'_ game, we don't _wanna_ play, whine whine_ whine, _bitch bitch_ bitch!'_ So I point out that Darmani is more manly than both of them combined and multiplied by infinity and _he's_ going to play without protest. Which of course shuts them up immediately.

We play with a bottle, just to leave the choices up to chance and make it completely fair.

* * *

I think my butt is permanently numb from sitting on the floor for so long. The game goes on for _hours._ A goddamn game of Truth or Dare lasting that long is a sure sign of near-death boredom. Nobody objects or tries to do something else, we just keep going and going and going until I'm pretty sure we do every dare and ask every question under the sun.

After I finish my dare (I had to drink a glass of milk that Mikau soaked with his grimy, horribly smelly feet that could knock out an entire crowd), courtesy of Lulu, I decide to give up my turn to spin the bottle. I just can't think of a good dare or question to ask, so what's the point? Sheik ends up spinning, and I let my eyes roam around the room.

It's dark outside, but I have no idea what time it is. Talon and Cremia left for the bar a while ago, so it must be late. I had wondered why we didn't just go to Karaoke Night (so Sheik can sing; definitely not _me_). It would be an excellent way to pass the time. But no, everyone wanted to vote when Sheik brought it up in the middle of Truth or Dare and it's pretty obvious which majority ruled.

"Zelda, truth or dare?" Sheik suddenly says triumphantly. My eyes immediately snap to the bottle which, lo and behold, is pointing directly at me.

Cheater!

"Did you cheat?" is my first question. I know that the chances of being picked twice in a row are pretty so-and-so, but come on! _Sheik?_

"Of course not," he answers calmly, "why would you accuse me of such a thing?" I can see it written all over his face that what he's planning for me will result in either _my_ death, or—if I make it out alive—_his._

"Did he cheat?" I ask the others, daring them to back him up. There's a murmur of 'Nope' and 'It's you' and 'Sorry, Zel.' Damn. _Damn_ it.

I growl in frustration, "Dare." I'm not really in the mood for the torture that surely lies ahead with my name on it in brand new sparkly letters. It's late, we have to get up early tomorrow, and I just want to climb into bed so I can happily pass out.

"Just get on with it," Darmani mumbles. He's lying down on the floor, which isn't really a good way to stay awake. Although the floor does look pretty comfy...

"Gladly," Sheik says, beaming. Then he leans over and whispers something in Romani's ear. She looks confused at first, but then slowly smiles, grins, and if her mouth stretches any wider her face is going to split. She does the same to Lulu, who does the same to Mikau, then to Aveil, then to Darmani. They're all now wide awake and looking eager to stay that way. Apparently Link doesn't get to be in on the plan for my demise. I wonder where Sheik's going with this.

"Okay, it seems like everyone agrees." Heads bob up and down in confirmation, except for Link. He raises a finger and is about to say something when Sheik cuts him off. "I know, I know, don't say anything. You're going to be joining Zelda on the dare, I'm sorry to say." He couldn't be less sorry if he desperately tried. Link's face falls and he looks extremely tired. Poor boy.

"Right, let's get to it," Sheik begins, trying to contain his excitement. "Zelda, I dare you and Link to—" During this half-second my mind fills itself with the most disturbing images and scenarios that I'm going to need decades of therapy to get over it—

"swap all of your clothes."

Silence. Everyone's eyes are on me, including Link's. Sheik's request is slowly processing through his currently foggy brain. Now Downloading: Twelve Per-cent.

I'm not even sure if I heard Sheik right, to be honest. Thirty Per-cent. Swap clothes? Forty-four Per-cent. What the hell does that mean?

Sixty-seven Per-cent.

_All_ of our clothes? Does that mean what I think it means? Eighty-three Per-cent.

All of our clothes. Switched. Is there a word to describe this, because I'm pretty sure 'awkward' doesn't nearly cover it.

Link and I look at each other, and _ding! _One Hundred Per-cent. Download Complete.

_Shit._

Let the protests begin!

"No way in _hell!"_

"She's a _girl!"_

"He's sick!"

"Her clothes are too small!"

"Do boys even bathe?"

"I'll smell like a flower!"

"Who said I smelled like a flower?"

"I'm _not_ wearing a _bra!"_

"He's _SICK!"_

"_PANTIES!_"

Of course they all just laugh and Sheik just shakes his head. "No, no, no. You wanted to play Truth or Dare, so I'm _giving_ you Truth or Dare. Romani, go with Zelda to the bathroom. Link, come with me to the closet. Romani and I will switch your clothes in the hallway. Then both of you can come down here and model for us. The faster you do it, the faster you can go to bed. Well, _go!"_ Romani grabs me and Sheik grabs Link, and they both haul us upstairs. We're too tired to fight back, although if I were awake I could easily take them both.

* * *

"Here," he hisses, shoving his clothes at me from behind the door of the somewhat small closet before slamming it shut unnecessarily. I'm definitely going to need at least four showers after touching Link's underwear (excuse me while I shudder for a second). At the same time the bathroom door opens and Zelda flings her clothes one at a time at Romani.

_Thud! _The balled up shirt hits her in the face. _Swish!_ The pants strike her stomach. _Thwack! _The bra bounces off her head. _Swishswish! _Both socks hit her in the knee. _Swish! _Zelda's panties are now hanging off of Romani's right ear, and I have to say, until the big Switch, it's probably the funniest thing ever. Romani snatches the scattered clothes and bunches them together.

"Your package, sir," she says, giggling, and we switch clothes.

"Link, sweetie, open up," I coo at the closed door. There's no response. "Come on, don't pout. Am I going to have to come in there?" The largest bluff _ever, _because I wouldn't walk in there for all the rupees in the world, but it works. The door quickly opens a crack and Link's hand shoots out, waiting for the clothes. I happily drop them off and the door shuts once again.

This. Is going to be _the_ greatest thing ever.

"You know," Romani says, leaning against the bathroom door, "maybe we should have given them clean clothes. Because of Link, and all."

"Where's the fun in that?" We both roll our eyes at each other. It would take all the fun out of the dare! Zelda can always take a bath afterwards, since germs hate soap and stuff.

It takes longer than I thought it would. I'm about to bang on the door and demand that Link come out when I remember that he's trying to put on a bra. AHAHAHAHAHA!

A few minutes later the closet door opens slowly with a very annoying _crrrrrreeeeeeaaaaakkkk!_ Link pokes his head out. "You're going to hell for this."

"Can't wait," I say as the bathroom door also opens, but without a creak. Zelda walks out, apparently trying to grin and bear it. At this moment I realize that I need a fucking camera. She looks at me and says flatly, "You will die tonight."

What's she gonna do? Make me dance? I laugh in the face of her threat—and her clothes—and motion to Romani. "It's time." The four of us, Romani and I in the back, head downstairs, trying not to collapse on the floor laughing.

* * *

Sheik is going to die, and he's going to die painfully. I'm going to kill him myself. Oh yes, it's going to be me who takes his life. I want to _savor_ it, like a delicious chocolate Death cake.

I have to admit though, boxers are pretty comfortable. I'm pretty sure they would be even more comfortable if they were CLEAN. I have no idea if anything I'm wearing has been washed recently, or at all, and that scares me since, you know, _it's_ _crawling with throat-raping bacteria._

Now, his shirt (a plain green T-shirt) and pants (jeans with a few rips along the thighs) are okay. I have a few shirts this big and the pants feel fine. The socks? If they weren't so sweaty, I probably wouldn't give a crap.

As for Link, he has it easy. Sure, my clothes are a lot smaller than his but at least my clothes are somewhat clean. I think I can _feel_ the bacteria greedily crawling over every square inch of my skin.

My violet blouse looks atrocious on him, especially when he's _wearing my bra._ Sorry Link, boobs just don't do it for you, I think. I don't even want to try to think about the panties, he can keep them. My jeans, which are a little bit tight on me, look like they're trying to squeeze the life out of him. I'm pretty sure they aren't even buttoned or zipped, and he walks like he's fighting a losing battle with constipation.

He seriously can't complain about my socks. I have big feet and they're clean, though it doesn't matter anymore since my socks are wrapped around his sweaty feet.

The only things keeping me sane are my mantras: _Sheik will DIE, Sheik will SCREAM, Sheik will CRY, Sheik will SUFFER, Sheik will DIE, Sheik will SCREAM..._

Over and over and over again. Mantras are useful in blocking out the sound of roaring laughter.

I don't know how long Link and I stand there, feeling like the biggest losers in existence. We just look at each other every now and then, as if to say, 'Yep. Still here.' I wonder if my clothes look as hideous on me as they do on Link. It's almost like looking into a gender-swapping mirror, except we don't look much alike. If it were _Sheik _wearing my clothes—wait, no. I'm going to stop there.

There's a _click!_ and a quick flash of light.

Our heads both snap forward, looking for the source of _you-know-what._ Everyone is too busy laughing to have heard or seen it.

Except Mikau.

With his phone that apparently has a camera in it. The ones that still make a clicking sound and even flash. Very subtle, Mikau.

He giggles at the picture he just took, but his face pales at the sight of my venomous glare. I wonder if Link is glaring as evilly as I am.

Mikau gulps and I can actually hear it. "Um... you both look hot?" It's loud enough for everyone to stop laughing and look at him strangely. Hmm, maybe he _is_ gay.

"May I?" I whisper. Link nods before he resumes ignoring everyone else.

They all dive out of the way as I charge towards Mikau. I want that phone before he even considers what he's going to do with the picture. It takes about four full seconds to close the gap between us.

I kind of lose control of myself at this point. All I can see is red and Mikau.

"GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE!"

Mikau screams shrilly. He scrambles off his butt and flees, just as I'm about to grab the sleeve of his shirt.

"THE PHONE OR YOUR HEAD!"

Darmani attempts to restrain me and grabs my arm, but adrenaline and pure fury gives me the strength to yank my arm back; if he had been gripping me any harder, I think I would have ripped his arm off.

"I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU _EAT_ IT!"

He zooms in and out of the kitchen, around the living room, under the dining room table before running back into the living room. I'm hot on his trail. I want his _blood._

As though some force in the universe is against him, he trips as he attempts to jump over the couch and turns around to greet his doom, fear practically tattooed on his face. It's _beautiful,_ the way he's frozen there; a sitting duck, all vulnerable and _weak_. Maybe this is what it feels like to be a serial killer.

The bone-chilling, maniacal grin on my face prompts him to scream one last time and he tries to jump off of the couch before I pounce, but he's way too late. I have to say, the split second before I grab his thin body and throw him to the ground to properly destroy him is absolutely delicious.

* * *

Who would have thought girls were capable of inflicting fear in a tough guy like Darmani? He nearly screamed himself at the sight of a possessed-looking Zelda practically flying around the house, attempting to snatch Mikau.

It takes all of us—except Link, since he claims he isn't able to move in panties—to pry Zelda off of him, because she's thrashing and biting and damning each of our souls to a deeper layer of Hell than I would like to think possible.

After Aveil and Lulu soothe Zelda with calm words and promises of destroying the phone, Zelda finally comes to. She demands to watch as a trembling and scratched up, but otherwise unharmed Mikau erases the photo.

Once the little 'Picture Deleted' box appears on the small screen, we all relax. Zelda stands up and grabs Link by the arm. "I'm going to bed, and I'd like to do so in my own clothes. Good night." And she stomps up the stairs, dragging an almost-asleep Link with her.

All of us remain quiet. Lulu eventually whispers, even though it's completely silent, "That was scary." It's nice knowing that I'm not the only one who thought so.

"Pretty funny too," Aveil says, cracking a smile. "Did you see the look on her face? She was ready to kill." Mikau shoots her a weak glare.

We talk for a while about Zelda's surprising temper. About how we probably shouldn't do that again. About how Zelda might actually snap and murder all of us. About how poor Romani has to share a room with her. About how hilarious Zelda's freak attack was and how we should video tape it next time.

* * *

"...and I don't really like it when a lot of people are focused on me. Especially if I look really stupid." Which is hypocritical, since I probably looked incredibly stupid chasing Mikau all over the place.

After Link and I had silently swapped back clothes (it's not really surprising that I threw out the panties), I decided to apologize to Mikau before taking a thoroughly cleansing bath.

Poor Mikau is still glancing at me every now and then from the couch he and Lulu are going to sleep on, just checking to make sure I'm still a safe five feet away from him. I hope he doesn't act like this forever; it's no fun feeling like a bully.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to... um, scare the crap out of you. I-I just kind of lost it." The understatement of the millennium.

He just nods quickly. "Don't worry. I, uh, forgive ya." He peeks at me from under his shiny black hair. "Really."

I move in quickly and give him a small hug, just to see if it'll speed up the Zeldaphobia healing. His body freezes and is incredibly stiff, but I hold onto him until he relaxes.

"Okay, fine. _Now_ I forgive ya." I let go and see that he's honestly smiling. There's still that small trace of uneasiness in his eyes, though. Maybe I should bake him a pie or something so he can get over it. What kind of pie do boys like?

"Well, good night." I get up, and suddenly I feel like an idiot. I just hugged Mikau with Link-germs parading all over my body. If he gets sick because of me, I might have to hit myself. So I say to him, "You know, you should take a bath or a shower before we leave tomorrow. Since, well, there aren't going to be any showers at the Swamp. And tell everyone else to do the same." Because I think I've touched everyone while being covered in little demonic germs. "Or something. So, yeah. Clean yourself. Make sure everyone does. Clean themselves, I mean. G'night."

He slowly nods, looking slightly confused. I speed-walk out of there before he makes the connection, because my date with the bathtub is long overdue and I want it now. The rest of them can wait.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, it's about time. We can finally move on to the south! Yay!

If my writing sucks, I'm sorry. I've been reading Shakespeare in English, and his writing style turns my brain to mush. Very stupid mush.

So read, review, enjoy, ignore, hate, print and burn, etc. Whatever you want. It's almost three in the afternoon and I need a popsicle and a nap. Byeee!


	5. Wrong Things

**A/N:** I'll spare you all my excuses for being late. I promise that starting next week, Free Time will come out of hiding, and the week after that, it'll be here to stay.

But forget about me; today we head for the Southern Swamp. Where there's mud. And bugs. And our favorite twin wi—wait! Where'd they go?

**Warning(s):** Sheik and Link will panic just a little bit, but nothing to worry about.

**Disclaimer:** Not even in my dreams.

* * *

**Chapter Five: Wrong Things**

"Let's make sure we have everything," Romani says, holding a checklist and a pencil. Today is the start of our (but mostly my) journey around Termina. Romani plans on leaving a note for her father instead of telling him where we're going, while everyone else has permission from their parents. Why? I have no idea.

It's not like Talon can get mad, actually. He works all night and sleeps all day. Romani would have to work the night shift at the Milk Bar just to spend time with him, which is kind of depressing since his job isn't all that hard.

"Tent?" Romani says in a louder voice.

Darmani sing-songs, "Check!" He has the ten-person tent strapped to his back. I wonder how heavy it is?

"Cell phones?" We all sing 'Check!' We also have our chargers, so we can charge them if we ever get the chance. But we're not counting on it.

"Map?"

"Check-uh check-uh _cheh-ehhhhhck!_" Lulu waves the map around, and her voice sends uncomfortable shivers down my spine.

"Food?"

"Check." Link, the next strongest guy, is carrying the backpack filled with food that won't spoil anytime soon. The bag is pretty heavy; I would know, I tried carrying it myself. Link must have some serious muscle in him, or maybe I'm just out of shape. No, I'll go with Link having muscle. The mental image a lot sexier than pathetic can't-lift-a-bag-of-food me. In my defense, the bag probably weighs at least a hundred pounds! But it makes me seriously wonder how heavy the tent is, since Darmani is carrying it instead of the food.

"Disposable cameras?"

"Check." I get to carry the cameras without having to worry about breaking my back.

"Sleeping bags?"

"Check." "Yeah, check." "Checkeroo." Aveil, Shek, and Mikau are each carrying two sleeping bags. Blue for the boys and a light red for the girls. Which one does Mikau get? I wonder.

"And check," Romani says with a flourish, and she grabs the two sleeping bags she'll be carrying.

Everyone is wearing some kind of hiking boots that are also waterproof. Very convenient. Romani is letting me wear Cremia's, although my feet are somewhat smaller and the shoes keep flopping around; doesn't matter, I'll live.

We're all also wearing either a jacket or a hoodie, since Snowhead is supposed to be chilly, no matter the season. Mine is fluffy and warm and I wouldn't give it away even if it were my friends' last dying wish.

"Great, are we finally ready?" Aveil has been asking that question ever since we got up an hour ago (the sun barely peaking out from the horizon now). I never took her for the impatient type.

"Yeah, I think so." Romani scans the checklist again. "Unless I forgot something. Maybe we should go through the list aga—"

"No," Aveil snaps, "not again. The stuff isn't going to magically disappear, and there isn't anything else we need." She calms herself down a bit before adding, "Wait, do you have the bag?"

Romani jangles an old white purse that had been resting against her feet. "Right here. There's enough to last the four of us for a while."

"What's in there?" Link asks, the naive child that he is.

"Girl stuff," Romani says, shoving the purse in the backpack with the sleeping bags. Link blushes a little and I actually giggle a bit. Sheik sneaks a look at me, questioning my right to giggle. If he had called me out on it I would have completely denied it and pronounced him crazy. Then Romani picks the bag up and loops her arms through the straps. "'Kay, we're set!"

A few small cheers ensure, and a 'finally' sigh from Aveil. We file out of the door and head south for the Souther Swamp (I'm being redundant on purpose).

* * *

Barely ten minutes have passed before the whining starts.

"My feet hurt," Mikau wails, and Lulu grunts in agreement. They're definitely related, since they're also the only ones complaining.

"It's so hot today," Lulu growls. Sweat is forming on her forehead and her face looks flushed.

Sheik, the smartest organism to have ever walked the land, says, "Maybe you should take off your sweater." Bravo, Sheik.

Lulu grumbles how she knew that and proceeds to remove said item.

"My feet still hurrrrrrrrrtt!" Someone's begging for a beating.

"Would you like a foot rub?" Aveil suddenly asks sweetly. As if she were about to plant her butt on the ground and rub his smelly feet. If she's serious, then I'm secretly a Wolfos.

Aveil's question makes Mikau shut up and look away from the rest of us for some reason—but I'm pretty sure everyone knows why.

Aveil is a goddess and has my eternal thanks, as we can proceed with our adventure in silence.

* * *

"My shoulder hurts," Zelda grumbles so that only I can hear her. I don't think I ever mentioned how much I _hate_ complaining (when someone else is doing it), especially when the complainer is only carrying eight crappy cameras that weigh no more than half a pack of cards.

"Suck it up." I refuse to believe that a bag of disposable cameras could ever be categorized as 'heavy.'

"Carry them for meeeee." Damn, now she's whining.

"I'm not carrying them, Zelda. You're not that much of a wimp."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeaaase?"

"I said no. Stop bothering me."

_"?"_

Somebody, anybody, shoot her now.

"Pleeeeaaase?" Link suddenly appears on my other side. It would be so satisfying to smash their heads together.

But then I'd have to drag their unconscious forms all the way to the swamp, and I'll do that when Zelda starts talking to trees.

"Sorry," he says, grinning, "I just wanted to join in on the whining."

"See that, Sheik? I have reinforcements," Zelda says smugly. What does that even mean, _reinforcements?_

So I get the delightful opportunity to listen to their whining duet for three minutes before I decide that I cannot take it anymore and it would be ever so wonderful if they would both just politely _shut the fuck up._

I walk a bit faster to catch up with Darmani, who's walking faster than all of us even with a horrendously heavy tent on his back, to see if talking with him will block out the noise.

But when he notices me, he walks faster. I jog a little bit. He walks even faster, but it's technically not a jog. I'm close to sprinting.

"Hey, wait! What's with the running?" I pant.

He turns his head to say, "Sorry, dude, but I'm not dealing with them." _Them_ being the reason I'm trying to catch up with Darmani in the first place.

Suddenly I hear a simultaneous "Pleeeeaaasee?" before both of my hands are grabbed; one is being clutched by two fragile, soft hands with sharp nails. The other is being death-gripped by a large, somewhat rough hand with chewed nails.

Great. Now I'm trapped.

Aveil and Lulu get to giggle from behind as they watch my torture. In front of me Mikau and Romani are whispering back and forth, Mikau looking like he doesn't like what he's saying. Darmani is ahead of them, walking at a slow (for him) pace. I can tell he's trying to listen in on Romani and Mikau.

When we reach the entrance to the swamp, I'm seriously pissed off. Zelda and Link had dragged me the entire way and now I had a major headache threatening to crack my head open.

The only thing that could possibly further irritate me is—

* * *

"Damn this mud!" Sheik, ever the manly one, wails. "Just... just _damn_ it!" We're hardly seven feet into the swamp and the crying has got to stop or I'm going to snap and end up killing somebody.

Everywhere I look, there's a tree, some mud, and a puddle here and there. The ground is super mushy, as though it's preparing to swallow the next soul unfortunate enough to stupidly wander in. I contemplate pushing Sheik into the mushiest part of the ground I can find, but then his voice would go from whiny to shrill, and I'm pretty sure my ears would burst.

I cut him off with a loud grunt. "If you don't stop your pathetic cries, you're going to wake up tomorrow morning _stuffed_ with mud." Let's leave it to his imagination as to _where_ the mud will be stuffed.

He doesn't shut up completely. "Still hate the mud... mumble mumble..." At least his voice isn't making me cringe anymore.

We walk for a long time, and nobody bothers to actually keep track of how long we've been wandering. The swamp is actually very pretty, if you look past the mud, germs, and flesh-eating bugs. The flowers are colorful and almost precise in the way they stand, the water is actually very clear, and the humidity is just right so that it's warm, but we're not sweating.

The silence is the best part. I can just close my eyes and listen to the environment's natural sounds (no wonder Romani likes listening to nature, it's so soothing!); the water swishing from the gentle breeze every now and then. The birds singing and the bugs chirping faintly. The leaves rustling with the creatures that hide within them.

The gasp that comes out of Aveil's mouth, which ruins the overall affect.

I look over at what she's gaping at and I see nothing worthy of the reaction. There's a clearing up ahead, with a small pond or something in the middle. A small hut sits on top of four very tall pillars, and from here I can sort of make out the ladder that's used to go in and out.

Who in their right minds would live here? Not that it isn't pretty or anything, but it's so far from people and stuff.

"Let's go around," Aveil whispers for some reason. To my surprise, everyone else nods and whispers 'Yeah' and 'Definitely' and other things very quietly.

I don't recall getting the memo to avoid creepy isolated houses (even though it's complete common sense).

"What? Aren't we gonna go see the house?" I ask, even though there's probably a very good reason not to. "I at least need a few pictures."

"Not there," Darmani says, grabbing my arm and attempting to pull me away. I don't have the same surge of energy as I did during my episode, meaning I'm too weak to pull out of his grasp.

"Why not?" I ask, biting his arm in the hopes that he's human and feels pain like the rest of us.

He hardly reacts to my teeth clamping onto his unnaturally beefy bicep.

"That's where the witches live," Lulu whispers for no reason. What is it with people whispering when they're intimidated? The "witches" (God bless imagination) technically aren't near us, so there's no reason to whisper.

Unless they disguise themselves in leaves and mud like creepers.

I'm this close to drawing blood from Darmani. "So we avoid them, like any other sane person," he says, jerking his arm a bit.

Crap, I think a tooth just broke.

"I guess you're right," I say, probing over the sore tooth with my tongue. Time to formulate a simple plan. "Hey Sheik," I suddenly say, "what's that over there?" I point to one of the flowers that I've hardly seen since we came in. Maybe once, a long ways back.

"A flower," he says simply.

"What kind of flower?"

"I think it's called a Baba or something. I kind of forgot the name." I glare at him. "Hey, what d'you want from me? I'm no floral expert!"

"I'd be worried if you were," I say, leaning down to get a better look at the plant. Darmani lets go of my arm to allow me to get closer to the flower, which I do, even though I actually want to run back to the house to snap a few pictures, but that can wait. The "Baba" is actually pretty big. It comes up to my stomach, at least. It's a strange purplish color, but there's some light blue and a pinkish-red mixed in. I've never seen this kind of flower before.

Then again, I was born on an island with more sand and rock than plants.

I notice the somewhat large seeds that litter the bottom of the plant. Each one looks like it would grow to be a massive tree, not a large flower. "Are these its seeds?" I whisper. What the hell, I'm whispering?

"I would guess so, smart one," Sheik says. He's chewing on his nails. Disgusting, Sheik, we're in a _swamp._ Do you know what you've touched in the past twenty minutes?

I chuck a seed at him, my silly anger getting the best of me for a moment. Sheik isn't able to duck in time and the seed hits him on his shoulder.

For some ridiculous and unpredictable reason, there's a huge freaking flash of light. I'm talking the flash that would come from a giant-ass camera.

From a _seed._

"Ohhh," Sheik says as he rubs at his eyes, "it must be a _Deku_ Baba." He's not mad at me for chucking a seed at him. He must be too proud because he just remembered the name of a flower. "Either that or the witches put a spell on that seed."

I'll go with the Deku thing.

I pick up another one and roll it around in my fingers. "So, what? These things grow into giant purple flowers, but if they hit something they practically blind the entire planet?"

"Something like that," Mikau mumbles. He looks slightly upset and distracted. In fact, he's hardly said anything since we got here. I should be suspicious, but I'm too interested in the awesome seeds. Maybe I should snag a few, to use in case of an emergency.

Or, you know, to piss Sheik off. So I pick up a few and shove them into my pockets.

As I'm reaching for the last one, the flower arches its back (or stem, I guess), hisses, and clamps its newly-formed jaws onto my hand.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Back _up_ for a second.

There's something wrong with this picture. Actually, a lot of things are wrong here.

A giant flower.

That moves.

And apparently hisses.

Just bit my fucking hand.

I think the world has gone completely bonkers.

Or maybe I have.

I let out a predictable shriek of fear, surprise, and mild anger, as I yank my hand back from the thing. Everyone else just stares at wide eyes and they slowly back away a few feet. Oh no, no, that's okay, guys. I totally don't need any help. I check my hand for damage; there are a couple of teeth marks, but no blood, thankfully.

I have a good mind to give this plant a much-deserved slap.

Or maybe I'll cut its stem.

Or throw a seed down and blind it (did it even have eyes?).

But... I _did_ try to take its seeds. I guess in flower-world, that's stealing.

"Sorry," I mutter, feeling slightly silly for talking to a plant. Until I remember that it _hissed_ at me, like a freaky rodent.

I toss the seed I had picked up and the plant; it hits the ground, but not hard enough to break it. The plant, apparently satisfied, settles itself back into the position it was in when I found it.

It's letting me keep the other seeds. Score!

"Sorry, Zel," Romani says, Guilt wrapping itself around her words, as she steps forward. "I-I, ah, _we_ forgot that Deku Babas... well, that they moved."

Pause the story for a sec, because I don't believe what I'm hearing.

If you've ever come across a flower that could practically act _human,_ a flower that comes from seeds that are able to produce stars when thrown at the sky, how the hell do you forget its name? Or what it looks like?

Heaven knows I'd probably have nightmares about the fucker. And maybe I will, for the next couple of weeks.

So I got bit because my friends are stupid and didn't know to tell me to back off, even though they knew about the flower. They just "forgot." I might have to beat some sense into them.

Except Darmani. I'll just attack him with a string of vulgar words.

Link walks over and takes my hand. The hand that had been assaulted by the Baba. "We really are sorry, Zel. C'mon, let's put a band-aid on that." He gently tugs me toward him, and I have to admit, it's nice to feel cared for. Even though it was all his fault.

Not _his, _actually. All of them.

But they're attempting to apologize, so I guess I can forgive them.

"Wait," Link says, shutting his eyes and frowning. "Did we pack a first-aid kit?"

A stunned silence.

I take it back. It's all their fault.

There'a a chorus of muttering, 'Craaaap' and 'Shiiiiit.'

We are the geniuses who didn't pack any form of medicine for a camping trip.

"We could always ask _them_ for medicine." Sheik unnecessarily nods his head in the direction of the witches' hut.

Just this once, for a tenth of a second, the only time in this lifetime, Sheik is my favorite person ever.

Everyone protests like the wimps they are. "They're supposed to be like, really mean and scary!" Mikau complains. I kind of like him better when he doesn't talk. "It'd be suicide just to touch the ladder."

"Aren't they really ugly, too?" Aveil asks. "As in, the kind of ugly that devours your soul with a single glance." Nice to know how important looks are to her.

"They like to use children in their potions." Now I'm positive Lulu just made that up. "Arms, legs, _heads..."_

Darmani jumps into the conversation. I thought he had more maturity than that. "No, no, no, they use children's _organs._ I think they like to use the lungs; sacrificial benefits or something like that."

"Shut up, all of you!" I snap in a cold and menacing voice, one that would immediately snatch the attention of a huge crowd, if need be.

There's only seven of them though, and their attention is on me in a flash.

"All of you, so immature it's making me sick! Witches, indeed. And you're all the ones who didn't warn me about the flower in time," I say, giving each of them a generous dose of Zelda-glaring. I ease up a bit on Link, but only because he's really good at feigning an apologetic look. Everyone else just looks uncomfortable. "So now I have _this,"_ I hold up my poor hand, "as a reminder that my friends don't know a vicious flower when they see one. Even though you've obviously heard about or even _seen_ it before.

"So, we're going to that hut because Sheik told me that the 'witches'—" unbearably heavy sarcasm, "—happen to produce their own medicine, which is the least you can do for my darling hand." I'm starting to get childishly dramatic here, but this is too much fun. _"Witches,_ my foot."

The guilty looks on their faces make it worth it in the end. I have no idea if the Deku Baba is poisonous or what, but since nobody's brought it up, I can conclude that I just need some mild medicine and a band-aid.

Oh wait. Unless everyone _forgot_ to mention that the flower produces a fatal venom, right? If I die a slow and viciously painful death, I'm taking all of them with me.

"Let's go." Now I'm the one that 'gently' tugs Link in the direction of the hut. The rest of them follow like I knew they would.

I look back, and from the angle I'm looking at the flower, I can actually see its malicious grin. Even though I'm pretty far away from it.

How the hell did we all miss that?

* * *

"I still don't see how _I _had to be the one to do this." Zelda is such a drama queen, practically shoving Link and I up the ladder. Me because it was 'all _my_ fault' that Zelda pissed off a flower. Link because he's 'strong but stealthy,' whatever that means. I wonder if she even cares that we might not come out ever again and she'll have to live with the guilt of causing our deaths. Keep that happy thought in your head, Zel.

We're standing in front of the hut itself. Not in much of a hurry to get inside, so Link and I chat out front for a bit. Plus the weather is wonderful today.

"What do you mean, you? You're the one who forgot about that thing," Link says as though it's completely obvious. He's in a bit of a foul mood because Zelda saw right through his apologetic pouty face and made him come with me. I don't see how I should be the one to have known about the stupid plant; I'm not the only one who lives somewhat near the swamp. Link and Romani have always been with me and I don't recall either of them warning Zelda that she was about to get owned.

"You're right, Link. It's all my fault. I take all of the blame and I should be executed for my crimes."

"I can help with that. You go in first."

"Wimp."

"Wimpier."

I so knew he was going to say that. But it doesn't matter, because I don't feel like standing in front of an empty hut all day, and I can tell without looking that Zelda is glaring holes into various parts of my body. So I gather as much masculinity from within as I can and I push on the door.

It doesn't open.

I push harder, but I get the same result. "Open, damn it," I mumble, pushing harder.

"Hey Sheik?" Link is suddenly very close to my face. His breath still smells like the bubblegum toothpaste he used this morning. _Zelda's_ bubblegum toothpaste (sharing toothpaste? I've never heard of such a thing!). My personal space-bubble goes out with a tiny _pop!_ and I can see the amused look in his eyes. His shiny blue eyes that are way too captivating for his own good.

"What?" I ask, not looking at him. I'm not risking the wind suddenly blowing hard enough to knock Link into me so we end up kissing; I'll go on a bloody rampage.

"Try turning the handle."

I'm such a genius to have missed the blatant shiny black handle that obviously needs to be turned to open the door.

"Whatever," I mumble as I do just that. The door opens with a very loud and eerie _creeeeeeeaaaaak!_ If it didn't happen, I would have been completely freaked out. Doors leading into creepy houses should always creak, otherwise the balance of the universe would shift and everything would devour itself. Or something else along those lines. Link practically struts in after me, his expression crowing _I ain't scared ah nuthin'._

The door slams shut all by itself, and Link lets out a very un-Link-like shriek. I jump a little bit too, but I recover quick enough to maintain my tough-guy facade.

"Shut up, Link," I say. "The door just shut. It's not going to eat you." To prove to him that it's all right, I walk over and open the door. If it had locked itself, I would have died on the spot. Satisfied, I let the door shut itself again and turn to Link. "All better? Or do you need me to hold your hand?"

He completely ignores me, and I take this opportunity to look around the hut. It's even smaller on the inside. All I have to do is turn my head around, and I can literally see everything. How does any one person live here, never mind two?

Instead of a house, it looks like the smallest store to have ever existed. There's a counter that divides the house in half, but it's still pretty small. An assortment of vials and bottles sit on top of the counter, some empty and some have disgusting liquids—which isn't even a good enough word. More like... sludge. I have to wonder if the two women have ever sold anything, with the way it looks.

Maybe just looking at the horrifying 'medicine' is enough to drive the sickness out of the person's body permanently. It's a much nicer thought.

"Cramped," Link says. He's climbing over the counter to inspect the more interesting side of the single room. "Hey, there's a closet back here. What do you bet we'll find bodies inside?"

"Please stop talking." The last thing I need is to come across a corpse that's been bewitched to suck the eyeballs from any intruders' sockets.

But he opens the closet anyways. He stares at it and gestures for me to come over. "Whaddya think this means? It can't be for jackets..."

I jump the counter with ease—I'm so graceful that I think Zelda's a bit jealous—and look into the closet which is hardly big enough for either of us to stand in. There's nothing in there except two pieces of paper stuck to the back, each one bearing a name.

_Koume. Kotake._

The witche—

I mean, the strange women who make medicine.

"Is that their names?" Link whispers, and I have no clue why he is whispering. Unless the place is booby-trapped, in which case, whispering is good.

"Who else would it be?" I whisper back. I look around in the closet, which isn't really needed since I can see the whole thing just from looking forward, to see if there's anything else worth finding.

Absolutely nothing. Except some dust and one spider that looks like it's about to lay its eggs. I slam the door shut.

There's a bang from the front door.

"Locked!" Oh God, a voice that is definitely nobody we know. "Did you lock the door Kotake?"

"Of course not, Koume. You know the door locks itself."

"It does? You never told me!"

"You're the one who put the spell on it to keep others out, since _you _lost the key!"

"But it's never done it before. The door's always been open."

"It's your magic, not mine."

It sounds like two old women bickering. There could be more, since the voices sound exactly the same, but it sounds like there's only a Koume and Kotake. That's all I need to hear before my brain kicks in. I grab Link's hand, fling the closet door open, and we rush inside before shutting the door again.

If I find one spider egg in my hair, or anywhere else on me, I won't be happy.

Link is breathing irregularly and I can feel his hand sweating. Neither of us have let go and if we weren't so scared, one of us would make a bit of a scene. "We're not getting out of here they're fucking _here_ why why why didn't we leave sooner what did we even come in here for holy _shit_ they're here we're gonna die we're gonna die just _fuck!"_

He says all of this in under five seconds.

* * *

"Way to go Zelda," Lulu mutters. We're all hiding behind the bushes in front of the hut, freaking the hell out. "You just killed not one, but _two_ cute boys. That's like, a disgrace to girls everywhere."

I ignore her, because I'm panicking. My cousin and his best friend are inside the freaking house, which the two witches are now entering. I now know for a fact that they actually are witches, unless normal little old ladies fly around on broomsticks and argue about a spell put on the front door.

It's a lot for a brain to process in one day, let me tell you.

"Shouldn't we go in and help them?" Darmani shifts uncomfortably. I imagine it's hard for someone like him to be crouching. "If they don't get caught, they could be in there until nighttime."

"I'm pretty sure I'd rather stay here," Mikau mumbles, his bad mood starting to piss me off, "they can wait a few hours."

Lulu smacks the back of his head and I briefly wish I was her at that moment. "Don't talk stupid, they're our friends. Of course we're going to help them."

All eyes turn to me. I can see the accusation in their eyes. _It's kind of your fault, Zelda._

"Fine," I mutter. There is no way I'm actually going to go inside and _talk_ to the witches. Maybe I can just bang on the side of the house and jump off (guess who gets to carry me if I break a bone?) before I'm spotted, so Link and Sheik can sneak out.

Yes. I'm brilliant. Let's do it!

* * *

_BAM!_

Please don't tell me there's a third sister...

"WHAT in the world was that?" the First Witch exclaims, sounding pissed. "I need absolute silence for this potion to brew properly!" Her voice sends shivers down my spine, and I can feel Link shake a little bit next to me. We're still huddled in the small closet and I'm positive that the walls are closing in.

"You're not going to get absolute silence if you keep screaming all over the place!" the Second Witch shouts. One of them stomps towards the front door, I'm guessing it's the Second Witch. "Looks like I'm going to have to solve everything again since you can't even magically lock a simple door."

So the Second one is Kotake. I think.

"You probably messed up the spell," Koume wails. "Yes, yes, I'm sure it was all your fault. My magic never fails. And while you're out, be a dear and fetch me a mushroom. I entirely forgot to grab one."

"There's a perfectly good mushroom on the shelf next to you. Unless you magicked it to always remain fresh and managed to mess even _that_ up."

"Of course not, this is the mushroom that we just went looking for!" Koume sounds happy and there's a splashing sound. She must have tossed the mushroom into the _potion._

It's not a bad word, but in this situation, it's beyond creepy.

"This is by far the best Blue Potion ever made within these walls. Better than yours, Kotake! It couldn't even cure me of my cold that one day."

"You knocked a Like-Like's tooth into my precious potion while I was brewing it, that's why your cold didn't go away." The front door opens and Kotake screeches, "Who's there? Who banged into my home? Where ar—? I see you! Little girl in the shrubs! Oh, and _friends!_ How dare you hit my precious house!"

_Saved!_

Koume gasps and apparently leaves the potion to join her sister in the yelling. "Idiot children! Stay away from here, we don't take kindly to trespassers! Leave!"

Was it Zelda who hit the house? Nobody else would have the guts to climb up here and distract the witches. Or maybe she was forced to do it since she sent us up here. They all voted on it? Drew straws?

Wait, what am I thinking? Freedom! I need to run.

I nudge Link but I don't even wait for him to get up before I'm out the door. Koume and Kotake are standing just outside the door shaking their tiny fists in the air. Wow, I've never seen anyone so... old. Wrinkly. Short. _Green._ And the huge bulging eyes remind me of very aged frogs.

But the one feature that freaks me out the most is their hair. One of them has a head on fire and the other one looks completely iced over. I don't fancy burning or freezing to death.

Link snatches a bottle off the shelf and scoops up the brewing potion. I have no idea if it's even finished or what could happen if anyone were to drink it when it wasn't properly done, but who cares? I want OUT.

So we run for the door. "Excuse us!" Link shouts just a few feet away from them. They may be witches, but Link is not one to be rude to other people. They both turn around in surprise—the fire and ice both explode a little bit, enough to make me run even faster in the hopes of going right past them—and they shriek, "Burglars!" before diving out of the way; we're much bigger than them.

We don't even use the ladder. We just jump. It's not a long way down, and adrenaline protects my legs from shattering like they should have. Link does a fancy recovery roll, probably in hopes of showing off (definitely not for Zelda. I mean, come on, think rationally here people), and we sprint towards the bushes.

* * *

We all jump up and join in the running while the witches scream insults and threats and promises of illegal and horrifying acts. Sheik sprints faster than the rest of us combined. He must be pretty scared. If I weren't as scared I would find the look on his face hysterical. Link is running right next to me and he hands me a corked bottle filled with gunky blue crap for some reason. It must be the medicine, the whole reason he went in there. I manage to take it without dropping it. Whatever the medicine is instantly reminds me of port-o-potties, and I promise myself that I will never let this stuff near me with the bottle open.

I can deal with a little scratch no problem. But then that would mean Sheik and Link went to hell and back for no reason at all and I'll be lynched for my crime. So it looks like I get to down a bottle of shit.

"Let's go to the palace," Link pants as we run. Nobody says anything, but there's a sort of unsaid understanding between all of us. Except for me, since I have no idea what or where the palace is.

But apparently that's where we're going. A palace. That is, I'm guessing, in the forest. Please God, any monsters or ghosts or flowers or _anything _living in the palace that can bite me, please, wipe them out of existence just for the duration of our visit. Please. I'm mentally begging you.

* * *

**A/N:** Yay for the longest chapter so far!

I apologize for my disappearance (unless you hate me and you're mad that I'm back, in which case, sorry again). I literally have no free time whatsoever; the minute I get home from school (_super_ late) I do homework, eat, and go straight to bed. Lots of shit was and is going down and won't stop until the Monday of next _next_ week, but it should be a lot lighter next week.

So here I am, there it is, and thanks for reading. Now I have to do the homework that I was procrastinating on by writing this. LSDKFBNKLSIDGH


	6. Missing

**A/N:** I have free time again! _Finally._ Aside from homework and studying for practice end-of-the-year tests and stupid/pointless history project_**S**_ (plural), that is. I hate history _so much._ Or rather, I hate my history teacher.

Next in our horribly predictable journey is the (short) visit to the Deku Palace, and a little bit of the Woodfall Temple. Just a smidgen. Sigh, how will this work...

**Warning(s):** No more warnings unless I feel the story material will try to kill you in your sleep.

**Disclaimer:** I'm wasting text here. No more disclaimers!

* * *

**Chapter Six: Missing**

Palace? I would say that "palace" is a euphemism in Clock Town-speak for "cold, dark, depressing, creepy, empty cave with what I'm guessing used to be a fire pit, or maybe a torture pit."

It's so easy to summarize something instead of explaining it in great detail, isn't it? Especially when details don't even exist in the location you're trying to describe. I could scrounge around for details if you like. Hmm...there's a rock next to my foot. It's small and gray. And next to it is, oh look. Another rock. More rocks over there... a leaf that got blown in by the wind. On the far side of the pala—_cave_ is what appears to be a large pile of mangled, rotting, eyeless corpses.

Yeah, I'm lying. It's just a pile of rotten wood.

But on the left side is sort of an elevated area that looks like it used to have a fence around it, judging from the half-circle of more old wood. An indoor balcony of sorts? What a stupid idea. Then again, this is a stupid cave.

"Are you sure we're at the right palace?" I ask, not even pretending to be interested in looking around. I've seen plenty of rocks before, thank you. "Maybe the one we're looking for is another mile down the path. All I see is a cave that smells like dirt."

"This is the Royal Chamber, actually," Link says, a tone of professionalism in his voice. "The actual palace is outside. It's more like a maze. And there's a shrine on the left side of the area, but we'd need a boat to get there." He loses the tone and says, "This part of the palace is boring, though. The only cool thing in here is the remains of the throne over there." He motions his hands towards the wood that used to be a throne. Poor, poor throne.

"Bor-ing," Romani and Aveil murmur. Mikau and Lulu nod in agreement. Sheik looks like he's singing to himself and Darmani is playing with a long blade of grass he picked up on our jog over here.

Which reminds me: no, I haven't taken the medicine yet. I don't think I will either. The bite marks have almost gone away, and it would be pointless and disgusting to drink the horrid blue liquid. I'll keep it with me, there's no way I would throw medicine away. I'm just saying that I won't be the first one to drink it if I can help it. I'll let myself bleed to almost-death before I take a single sip.

Who wants to chance growing an extra arm, or being cursed to forever talk backwards in a high-pitched voice?

"So what are we waiting for? Let's haul ass." The least they could have done is take me to the maze-part. That sounds like some fun, getting lost in a maze. Maybe I'll find another demon flower. I never got a picture of the other one.

"To where?" Sheik asks, still singing quietly. It sounds like a love song, but I don't really care. "The temple? I don't think so."

A temple? An actual, _actual_ temple, or another dead cave?

"Why not? A temple sounds entertaining."

"We have to cross the narrowest bridges in existence to reach it." He's still singing, like I'm not worth a smidge of his attention. Asshole!

"And you have a problem with that? We had to walk over a narrow bridge to get _here._"

"The temple's bridges are higher. You'll push me into the water."

"Don't tempt me." Although maybe it isn't such a good idea. Just looking at the remains of the throne is enough for me to imagine future scenarios of us crossing the bridges, only to have it completely rot away from beneath us and we tumble down into the filthy swamp water, our cries for help unheard as we're devoured by enormous swimming flowers (the flower sort of has a permanent spot in my memories, as you can tell).

The bridge leading to the pa—the damn cave isn't too bad, but I think it's been repaired recently. There's no way it stood there, completely impervious to aging and eventually rotting away to nothing. It's an easy fix. Who knows if any of the manly construction guys out there had the balls to fix the other ones, bridges suspended over creature-infested waters (_are_ the waters creature-infested?).

"It's got to be better than this place," Lulu says, stretching her arms above her head. "It's like a mind-numbingly dull museum in here and I'm about to fall asleep." She heads for the exit without a second glance to the rest of us. Not that she needs to, since we're all right behind her.

Sheik is still singing. It must be a damn good song because it sounds like he's started over. Nobody mentions the Deku Palace maze as we leave. It just doesn't compare to an old, deserted (maybe), filthy, secluded temple.

* * *

The bridges are scarier than I thought it would be. It's also the perfect place to "get rid" of somebody, since the water below is filled to the brim with fish and plants from far beyond anyone's worst nightmare. (The scary part is that even though the water is crystal clear, I can't see any of the carnivorous beings.) I put that thought out of my head and continue to whisper-sing, since I know it's driving Zelda crazy.

She just shoots me a glare from the corner of her eyes before refocusing her attention on the multiple weak-looking bridges leading into the nightmarish temple. Half of which is underwater and probably flooded, as if it couldn't get any creepier; perhaps there are a few swamp monsters looming about in the corridors.

"Let's just go one at a time," Romani suggests. "But maybe we should test it first. Just in case." Then, like she just cast a spell over everyone, their eyes are all drawn to me. I just keep singing.

One second... two seconds... three seconds... fourteen seconds...

They're still staring. I go on with the song, but nobody moves. Nobody blinks. Are they even breathing?

"What?" I finally break the silence, since no one else would. "What?"

Darmani motions towards the first bridge. "Test the bridge," he says like I should know what everyone is waiting for. "You don't need an invitation, just go on ahead."

"Why?" I know Zelda has something to do with this. I'll be walking into my own death if I go without a fight.

"You're the lightest." Darmani raises his eyebrows, surprised that I wouldn't know the completely obvious. "So there's no chance of you falling. Maybe."

"Why should the lightest person test it? There'd be no way of knowing if any of you could cross," I say, since it's true. I'll get safely across while the rest of them get to tip-toe over, their distressed minds formulating fifty different death scenarios per half-second. Hmm, maybe I _should_ go first...

"That's true." Aveil grabs Darmani suggestively by his bicep and pulls him towards the bridge. "Looks like you're the lucky contestant, D." He tries to pull away but it only takes one of Aveil's seductive gazes and his resistance collapses like _that._ "Come now, don't be afraid. Worst case scenario, you'll get a little wet. Please?" The pouty face that all girls somehow know how to expertly use and something I need to learn because the way she does it works _almost_ every time. It failed once when she tried to get Mikau to loan her some money for these ultra-thin high-heels that were on sale but still totally expe—

"Fine," Darmani grumbles, successfully derailing my train of thought. Not that it matters, since it'll be a whole lot more entertaining watching him inch his way across a bridge that looks like it couldn't support a frog.

All of the girls giggle at Aveil's easy success, and crabby Mikau actually cracks a smile. Link is too busy watching Darmani with a look that can only be described as a mixture of pity, fear, excitement, and shame of the excitement. Will Darmani make it or will he fall and possibly be swallowed alive by some invisible water demon?

* * *

Suspense is such a bitch. I don't know if he is trying to be safe and take his time or if he caught on that the bridges were perfectly safe a while ago and decided to torture us, but either way results in my heart beating so fast that my chest is going to explode in a shower of anxiety and bone fragments. Just as he steps onto the entrance of the temple, he jumps around and crows a celebratory, "Yes! I made it!" He does a little dance and pumps his fist in the air. He goes on and on and on until he looks tired enough to take a nap on the stony entrance. That must have been a lot of stress to release from practically crawling all the way to the temple.

We boo and hiss for a little bit before getting bored, and it's time for us to cross. I'm not going directly before, with, or after Sheik. I am not risking him "saving my life" and scaring me into a heart attack in the process.

So one at a time, we all slowly walk across. Not as slow as Darmani, but slow enough to take in my surroundings. Nothing much can be said; there's a shitload of trees that resemble giant claws and a lot of water that looks like the portal to hell. When there's clear, pretty, tranquil water in the middle of a spooky swamp, then something is up. It's just too beautiful to be anything but the works of evil.

I see nothing swimming around in the water. A lot of lily pads and a ton of tall water-grass that would make a useful whip, but neither of those seem particularly bloodthirsty. I know something is out there. I can feel it, the same way you feel a sneeze coming on but it suddenly disappears, only to return when you least expect it. _Yeah,_ it says, _you thought I'd left, didn't ya? That's what ya get for not expecting the unexpected, ya snot-face!_ A false sense of security and relief. It's the same ways predators work, humans and animals alike.

Remember that. It could save your life one day.

In the blink of an eye, a flash of lightning, the _blip!_ of a bubble, we're standing in front of the temple. My mind is moaning, _Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap..._ because it's a freaking _temple._ Ancient. Old. _Many_ years old. There's probably dead stuff inside!

The whole thing is so... dirty. It's the first word that comes to mind, okay? The temple is covered in moss and the purplish-brown stone is worn with incredible age. Vines and other plants that are too plain to be called by a proper name lazily wrap themselves all around the temple's outside. To anyone who had never been inside, you wouldn't think it was a temple at all from its size since most of it is under the surface. (Link was polite enough to inform me of this fact when we were crossing the bridge. It only served to freak me out, since it could flood at any time.) From the water up it's the size of a large house.

Link senses my fear and I can practically feel him thinking it would be oh so smooth of him to take my hand. I don't believe he actually has the balls to do this until I feel his hand wrap around my own. "Don't be scared," he whispers—again with the damn whispering—, trying to sound so brave and so sure and sadly, so cliché.

I snatch my hand away and it suddenly feels cold and prickly. "Scared? I don't think so." And with that, I'm the first to walk in.

Six feet later, we're completely encased in darkness. Romani—at least I hope it's Romani—says, "Are we supposed to stumble around helplessly in the dark the entire time or what? Where are the damn flashlights?"

We didn't pack any, of course. Silly us!

* * *

It comes to a mutual decision that we should partner up until we find a source of light. (We had tried using our cell phones to illuminate the path, but it proved to fail when we couldn't see two feet in front of us.) Meaning we have to hold hands since we didn't pack any rope, either. I'm partners with Mikau, and it's not very comfortable considering his sweaty, trembling hands. Zelda is with Link (nobody saw _that_ coming), Darmani is with Aveil and Romani is left to deal with Lulu.

"Why didn't you realize that we screwed up the packing?" is the summary of what Lulu is constantly hissing at a very tense Romani—I can't see her face but from the way she's moving her legs, I can tell she's ready to give her motormouth "travel buddy" a piece of her mind. Lulu's lips flap all over the place as she continues her complaints. "I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm totally not, but really; who forgets to pack a flashlight on a _camping_ trip? I know none of us remembered either but you're the one who always double-checks everything so I would have thought—and I'm pretty sure it's not just me—that you would have made absolutely sure that we didn't leave the house until we were thoroughly prepared. It's what you do! _Your_ job is to say, 'Yes, we have everything we need for every worst-case scenario, let's head out!' But you didn't and here we are. Do you know what could happen to us? What if there are trap doors or ledges? We could end up falling to our _deaths_ all because you were so eager to leave the house without the proper supplies!"

Lulu finally shuts up and allows Romani to breathe in and out a couple of times. Mikau squeezes my hand a couple of times and whispers, "I thought she'd never stop." I have more than half a mind to snatch my hand away. I think my fingers are pruning from the sweat.

I'm about to ask him if he has some weird sweat condition when Romani says with her teeth clenched, "I _understand_, Lulu. My bad. We're just going to have to deal with it now." She closes her eyes and puts a hand to her forehead, "And next time you rant, be quieter. Your voice gives me the worst headaches." She sighs and keeps walking without even a glance to Lulu, who quietly gasps, "Well!" and looks the other way.

One pair down, three to go. It's only a matter of time.

By now we're all spaced out; Link and Zelda are the farthest ahead so he can show off how historical and knowledgeable he is. Ten feet or so behind them are Darmani and Aveil. I don't think they've said a word to each other the entire time, but from the way Aveil has her arms wrapped around Darmani's like she's hugging him, I'm assuming they're A-okay. Way behind them are Romani and Lulu, still cooling off but still gripping each other's hands unnecessarily tight like they're playing Mercy.

Last but not least, it is I. Sheik the magnificent. Cue the egotistical entrance music and applause!

Oh, yeah. And my partner. Mikau. His hands feel normal now, so at least there's no awkward sweating to increase the already awkwardness of holding hands.

He breaks the comfortable silence, immediately plunging us into a cold, cruel pool of incredible awkwardness. "So. Um, seein' any girls lately?" He attempts to be nonchalant and swings his fist up on the word "girls." "Gettin' some action and stuff, mah man? Hah? Hah?" More fist swings. Good god, it's mortifying. The same feeling of dread when adults gently persuade their kids to sit on the couch so they can explain the Birds and the Bees.

I just want to let go of his hand and run far, far away. That would only further provoke Awkwardness to to stalk us so I play the short answer game. "Not really, no." An honest short answer, at the very least.

He tries to gulp without me noticing. "Yeah, um, cool. Aveil, though. _Hot..._ stuff, yeah?" His voice squeaks right then. I don't know if I can take this because I feel like I'm overheating from embarrassment. "I'd so t—t-_tap_ that, um. That."

"Really. Tell me more." Of course this is probably the most uncomfortable conversation in the history of anything, but now I'm curious as to why the hell he brought it up in the first place. He's obviously more embarrassed than me. I can feel his hand start to sweat again, but by now it doesn't bother me that much.

He tries to speak. He really does. Sadly his voice is coming out in wheezes and gasps and he repeatedly clears his throat to properly speak, but he ends up stuttering or mumbling; eventually he just stops altogether and squeezes his eyes shut, willing the past three minutes to be forgotten.

"It's okay," I say, trying to look him in the eyes but I find that I can't. He won't let me and I can't do it without feeling... weird. Bad weird. "I don't know if you're trying to tell me, but... you're making it kinda obvious." Fear flashes across his face, as well as a bit of shame. "It doesn't matter. Really. Let's just... leave it alone for now, 'kay?"

He nods. "Th-th-tha-th—" he huffs, _"Thanks._ Sorry about that._" _He laughs a little, but it's a pitiful laugh. We continue down the pitch black corridor.

"Maybe we should stop holding hands," I say. He doesn't answer or even look at me. We both just let our hands go limp and we walk side by side.

Two pairs down, two to go.

Actually, scratch that. It'll only take a few more minutes for Darmani to get uncomfortable with Aveil's consistent flirting. I can practically feel the remaining time ticking, down, down, down.

So let's take it down to one pair left. The Final Pair. The Golden Pair. The Predicable Pair. The Perfect Pair. The Pair with the Boy Who Needs to Stop Acting Like A Damn Professional Tour Guide.

* * *

"—built by the earliest settlers of Deku Scrubs. Nobody knows where they got the stone from to build it in the first place; I mean we're in a swamp, and they built the entire thing from the ground up! Then the pond was formed from the consistent storms that constantly appeared around the swamp for so many years, although it's unclear as to why there were so many storms in the first place—"

Link is pretty cool and all, but I can't freaking take this anymore. When he started telling me about the history of Woodfall Temple, at first I was honestly curious. How was it built? Who built it? How long did it take? Sounded like cool stuff. But then he started talking without pausing at all and I started to worry that he would pass out from not taking any breaths.

Now? Now I just want him to shut up. Next he'll be telling me exactly how many cracks there are in the walls and that's when _I'll_ crack.

"—you? Zelda? Did you hear what I asked you?" He waves his free hand in front of my face. I pretend to stare off into space for just a bit longer. I need to think of a way to get him to shut up, but nicely. Maybe an awkward conversation-stopper would do the trick...

He snaps his fingers in front of my face, and his impatience fuels my anger just so. "Yoo hoo? Zel? You there?" _Snap, snapsnap._

"Yeah, yeah, I gotcha," I say, waving his hand away. "Rocks. Storms. Cool stuff."

"I knew it," he mumbles in a hurt voice. "I'm boring you."

"What? No, no no! I promise you're not. It's interesting. Really."

"Don't lie. I can tell."

"No you can't."

"Yes. I can."

"Fine, so maybe it's a _little_ bit boring. But only when you started monologuing."

"Then no more monologues." We shook our already clasped-together hands on it.

Now that we had nothing to talk about, I use the opportunity to rant. "How long is this stupidly sloped hallway? Seriously, I feel like I'm going to slip after every step. Couldn't they have made stairs, at the very least?" Important stuff like that.

"Actually, stairs wouldn't have done the Dekus any good, since their feet—"

"No," I hold my hand in front of his face. "You've used up your talking privileges for a while." He laughs silently as not to provoke me.

I wonder how everyone else is doing? I'm too lazy to turn around and check on them. If they were in trouble, I'd know for sure. We're in the longest hallway in recorded history; there's no way something could happen to them without someone knowing. I then start to worry that whichever pair is last has been viciously torn open and eaten by some sort of mutant animal and that the animal will come for us next, silently but surely.

The slanted hallway suddenly flattens out. Finally. Any thoughts of the others dissolves and I'm ready to collapse onto the cleanest part of the floor I can find, because walking downhill for so long is a lot more tiring than you would think.

But I can't, because Link and I walk into a room where most of the floor is missing.

* * *

**A/N:** Shortest chapter so far. Why? Because this is the best place for me to stop. Next chapter focuses on the temple. I hope.

Now I can relax for a while, cause God knows I haven't been able to for two weeks. Sheesh. (History projects? What history projects?)


	7. ABC Gum

**A/N:** I am super, super lazy. I told myself over and over again to work on the story, but The Sims 3 kept getting in the way.

Woodfall Temple. Home of carnivorous plants, enormous bugs, and the funkalicious Odolwa. Does anyone actually know what it is he keeps chanting during the battle?

* * *

**Chapter Seven: ABC Gum**

"You've got to be joking," I growl. When Zelda had shouted down the hallway that we couldn't go any further, my already depleting mood immediately dropped to negative five. Now that I'm seeing the room for myself, it only pisses me off even more. We just trekked down the longest slippery hallway that I'm hoping I'll ever come across, and now the temple is telling us, "Oh gee, I forgot to mention: you can't get through the first room. I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Sorry." What are we supposed to do now? Go _back?_ Through that damn hallway again? Not unless someone is willing to carry me.

Not only is most of the floor gone, but there are huge trees growing in the middle of the room, to add insult to injury. I can't even see where the door is on the other side. I'm assuming it's directly across from the door we just came through. Though knowing where the door is doesn't help much if we can't get to it.

"So is the floor way down there or what?" Aveil asks. We all peer down. It's dark, but I can make out the stone floor. Trees growing out of a stone floor. Don't ask me how that works.

Darmani asks, "So how we s'posed to get across?" Link plasters on a look of deep concentration as though we could make it across if he willed it. What's left of the floor are a few thick platforms, but they're way too far apart to jump to. We don't have any rope to swing from the trees, either. I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't be able to even if we did have some rope.

"How about this ladder?" Zelda pipes up. Ladder? Of course Zelda found a ladder. Link rushes over to make sure she isn't fibbing. He looks over the edge and nods approvingly. Zelda smiles. "Cool. I call first!" She swings over the edge and climbs down eagerly. I didn't really think she would be into exploring, but I guess you learn something new every day.

It isn't until we're all on the ladder—it's a _long_ way down—that Zelda shrieks, "No! Wait, wait, go back. Back!_ Up!_ Move your butt, Link!" They both climb up quickly, resulting in Aveil climbing up, then Lulu, then Mikau, then Darmani, then Romani. I didn't start down this ladder only to go all the way back up, so I don't move.

We all end up bunched together near the top.

"Go back down," I growl at them. "Afraid of the dark or something? Come on."

"There's something down there," I hear Zelda's voice from the bottom. "Creepy yellow eyes. I'm not going down there."

Yellow eyes? Of course. It has to be yellow eyes. "There isn't anything down there," Aveil says. "You're just being paranoid. My fingers are cramping up, so can we move?"

Zelda protests but we all convince her that she's lost her mind and nothing bad is going to eat her. Eventually we're all standing on the bottom floor of the room, but Zelda is still keeping an eye out for her vicious monster stalker. I am too, but just because it's better to be safe than sorry.

We make our way around the trees and pillars of floor to the other side, and not once do we come in contact with the Yellow Eyes. I relax a bit.

I immediately become stressed _again_ when we find out that there's no ladder on this side of the room.

"Great," Romani says, "just great. We're _that_ much closer and we come to another dead end. I'm going to try prying that ladder off the wall." She turns around and stomps back to the other side. Everyone else follows except Mikau.

It's just the two of us. On one side of a dark room. Alone.

I don't like this.

"What are we gonna do?" he asks. I don't know if he's being rhetorical or not, but I don't answer. It's not like I can say anything positive and upbeat in this situation.

Except—

"Maybe we should just make camp down here," I say, "just to see if there's a way to get up there." I didn't come here just to turn around and drag myself up a sloped hell.

Mikau shrinks a little bit. "Here? In the dark? With the yellow-eyed things Zelda saw?" She _thought_ she saw them. If anything is actually down here, it would have attacked and devoured us by now. "Isn't it a bad idea to camp in a low area anyways? If we get ambushed, we'll be trapped."

"Ambushed? You think there's some animal army hiding around here?" I ask. He's making me paranoid and I wish he'd stop. This isn't the kind of conversation we need to be having at the moment.

Then I hear a loud crack from the other side of the room, and Romani's voice. _"Fuck!"_

_Now_ I'm afraid of the hidden animal army waiting to eat our limbs.

* * *

"What do you mean, my fault? It was your idea!" Darmani screams at Romani. Sheik and Mikau scramble over to where we are. After Romani's bright idea to yank the ladder off the wall, she, Link, and Darmani had grabbed part of the ladder and tugged. They ended up breaking the ladder just enough so that we couldn't climb back up.

Well, we could, if we put the ladder back against the wall. Someone would have to hold it so we wouldn't fall, but then we couldn't all escape.

To say it in two words: we're screwed.

"But you're the strongest one! You obviously broke it." Romani already put up with Lulu blaming her for the dark journey into the temple, and she looks like she's had enough blame.

"You and Link were pulling on the other side. You broke it just as much as I did."

"You were pulling like your muscles depended on it. _You_ broke it!"

"It was your stupid idea!"

"If it was a stupid idea, why did you listen to me?"

There isn't going to be a happy ending in this. They might as well shut up now.

Aveil and Lulu try to calm down Romani while Link takes care of Darmani. When they both realize that yelling isn't going to glue the ladder back to the wall, they stop fuming. A silent telepathic apology sort of floats through the air in between them. I can tell by the look they give each other. It's nice that we're all calm and friendly, but we're still stuck on the bottom floor of a messed up room and we have no idea how to get out.

"Let's set up camp," Sheik announces. It sounds like a pretty good idea, but there's no way to light a fire; everything in here is damp. I'm pretty sure there's no chance of chopping down the trees either, since we have don't have the tools or the time. Good thing we have snacks that aren't that close to their expiration dates.

Darmani and Link start set up the tent. I read the directions, but I can't make heads or tails of it, so I give it to Sheik. Besides, I want to check out the rest of the room (not that it's big or anything). I move away from everyone and go towards the ledge leading further into the temple. I can't believe that the idiots who built the temple didn't make a ladder on this side. Or at least build a bridge to connect the platforms.

I move over to the corner behind the ledge. It's even darker over here, so I take out my cell phone so I can see at least a little bit of where I'm going. Then I get an exciting idea: call for help It's so simple! I quickly begin to dial Romani's home phone number and stop when I notice the service bars. Or lack of service bars.

No freaking service. I might have known. This is exactly what happens in the movies before one of the secondary characters are viciously murdered, especially if said character is isolated from the rest of the group.

But it can't be me. I'm new, and in horror movies the new person is never killed off. At least, not first.

I feel something brush against my leg. Apparently, I'm going to be the first one to be viciously murdered.

I don't scream. Any other normal person in this situation would probably scream until their throat had been slit, but not me. I just stop breathing and sweat begins to pour from my body. I clench my eyes shut and wait. Wait to be cut, beaten, raped, dragged into the dark, _something._ I can't bear to actually watch, and I feel like if I scream, it's only going to be worse.

Nothing happens.

I wait some more. Still nothing.

I open my eyes. There's nobody in front of, next to, or behind me. I look down on the floor for the source of the small animal that probably ran past me. A pair of yellow dots, that I assume are eyes, stare back at me.

It's totally irrational and odd, but _that's_ when I scream. It sort of flies out of my mouth before I even bother to find out what it is I'm looking at.

I hear the tent poles clatter to the ground and someone runs over to me. "Zelda?" It's Sheik. I thought for sure it would be Link, but I can't be right all the time.

The rest of them soon rush over to see what I'm screaming about. They all look worried, but Sheik just looks annoyed.

"What?"

"What is it?"

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"What now?"

The yellow-eyed thing is still at my feet, still staring at me. I don't think it's moved since I saw it. I point down at the thing and say, "Told you so." Everyone follows my finger and looks at the floating yellow dots.

Then they laugh.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal, but it still hurts to be laughed at. What if I had been bitten by a rabid animal or something? Or one of my limbs had been chewed off? Who'd be laughing then?

Sheik is the first to calm down. Again, I thought it would be Link, but no. He's still trying to control his giggles. "Zelda, that's just a Boe," Sheik says, and covers his giggle with a cough.

"A Poe? I thought Poes were those little ghosts that carry fire and hit you over the head with something." Was it a bucket that they hit you with? No, what would a ghost need with a bucket...

"No, a Boe. With a _b._ They're harmless." He looks at the Boe and laughs again. "I can't believe you screamed over a _Boe._ Really!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know?"

"It's _fuzzy!"_

I lean down and touch the area of the Boe above the eyes, and it lets me. I can't see anything because it blends into the dark so well. I make contact with it's fur; it feels like silky lint, but much lighter. I could sneeze and it would probably fly across the room.

I pick it up and it doesn't show any sign of protest. It hasn't even blinked yet. "It's so cute!" I gush. Now that I know it's not going to hurt me, I can't help but notice how simple it looks. A black ball of fuzz with two yellow dots for eyes. It's practically nothing, but it's still cute in a way. I hug it and it squeaks a little bit. "It makes little noises too! Gah!"

Sheik rolls his eyes and goes back to the tent. Romani and Aveil are whispering and I catch the word "scared." I hope it's not me they're talking about. I was just a little surprised, that's all. But now that I know there's nothing down here that can hurt us, I feel much better. Especially now that I have a new friend to cuddle with while I'm here.

* * *

Zelda hasn't let the Boe out of her sight for almost an hour now. As soon as we got the sleeping bags set up, she plopped down onto hers and began cooing and tickling the thing like it's her child. I _was_ having a nice nap until she interrupted, and I politely asked her to get the hell out and let me sleep. She responded with, "Boey and I vote you out. Two against one. See ya." So now I'm sitting in the same corner of the room where Zelda had her episode. Just to have some me-time, sitting and thinking about life's biggest questions.

Like, since when did a Boe's vote overrule my own?

Why did I give up the tent to Zelda so easily?

How long are we going to stay here?

"Why are you sitting over here in the dark?"

Wait, that question didn't come from my head. Aveil takes my silence as an invitation to plop down next to me. "Aren't you bored?" She's a few feet away, and doesn't try to touch or flirt with me in any way. Impressive.

"Not really," I mumble, still pondering my questions. Would we ever find the strength to trudge through the hallway again? "I'm just thinking."

Aveil looks at her nails, which always seem to be colored red. "Sounds boring to me."

"I didn't ask you to join me."

"I'm not planning to. I thought I'd ask you to make yourself useful and help us put the ladder back." She points to one of the trees. "Lulu found an abandoned beehive. The inside's all sticky and stuff, so we're going to see if it's strong enough to hold the ladder."

I don't think old honey and bee larvae is going to do the job, but I have nothing better to do. "I'm too comfortable. Carry me." I open my arms wide as if to hug her.

"You're comfortable on the cold, hard, dirty ground? I don't think so."

"Still. Carry me."

"How 'bout I drag you?" She grabs my hand before she even finishes the sentence and proceeds to do just that.

* * *

As soon as I wake up from my refreshing nap, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling (well, the top of the tent). I'm too relaxed to even think about moving. Too relaxed to even care about what the others are doing. Too relaxed to notice that I'm alone in the tent. The thought is enough to jerk me from my state of peace.

_Where'd he go?_ I think. I shouldn't even be worried, since Boe is practically a wild animal. I have no control over whether he wants to stay or go. Still, I miss him already. I wonder how he got out of the tent; it's zipped shut, and nobody's been in or out since I told Sheik to get lost—trust me, I'm not that much of a heavy sleeper. I check my phone: I've been asleep for about forty minutes. I have nothing else to do and I don't feel like being around other people, so I get off of my previously comfortable butt to see where he went. The only place I feel like checking out is the corner where I found him.

It's still ridiculously dark over here; it seems to be darker than before, though I can't imagine why. It's not like there's less light in the room—which makes me think, _How is the room even lit?_ The tunnel leading into the temple is practically five miles long and dark itself, so the light isn't coming from there.

My train of thought is broken when I step in something sticky. My first reaction is to groan, "Shit," and scrape my foot on the ground to rid myself of the dog crap I just stepped in. I don't, because it doesn't _smell_ like crap. It doesn't _feel_ like crap, it feels more like...gum. I lift my shoe to inspect the damage. I can't see a thing, so I whip out my always reliable cell phone to shine a bit of light on my predicament.

White gum? Who makes white gum?

I notice that there's more of it. A lot. When I say a lot, I mean holy cow, it looks like a giant pulled his ABC gum into strips and casually dropped it on the ground. The strips of gum form an odd pattern. Well, not a pattern, but it looks like a path or something. Like the ground in the middle of a forest that looks worn from so many people walking back and forth on it. But this stuff, this _gum,_ is fresh.

I follow the trail of gum leading all the way to the wall..._up_ the wall...wow, it keeps going and going until it reaches the ceiling. I follow it until it stops, almost directly above me. On the ceiling the gum forms an actual pattern—I mean it this time. It looks like a bunch of tiny diamonds inside a large circle.

In the middle of it is a floating skull. I figure my eyes are playing tricks on me; the gum probably just _looks_ like a skull. By chance.

Is it also chance that the skull looks like it has hair? Exactly...five, six, seven, _eight_ strands of thick hair colored yellow and black. The strands of hair extend evenly, four on each side of the skull.

I look at it more closely, and it seem that there's a small round thing protruding from the mouth of the skull. It looks like a Boe, but thicker...I think it's a head. I can't really tell.

I go over the information in my mind. White, sticky gummy stuff. Pattern. Skull. Weird hair. Small head. Two plus two equals...?

The small thing I presume to be its head suddenly jerks, and two red dots appear on it. Eyes, probably. They're identical to a Boe's eyes, in the way they look like someone just drew two dots on its head with a thick marker.

Part of the head begins to click. Like, two small stumps are sticking out of the head and _clicking._ I don't know what to make of it, and I keep staring, trying to figure this thing out. I'm starting to worry that it's another kind of demon plant, but this thing doesn't look remotely flowery. If I had to give it a name, I'd say it's a—

It drops.

The thing is flying towards me at ninety horrifying miles per hour, and though it's way high up, it'll only take a few more seconds before it crashes into me. It's close enough that I can see the two stubs sticking out of its head are fangs. Thick, large, shiny, clicking fangs. The thing is a spider. The gum is its web. It's a spider. _The thing is a spider._ The thing is a fucking _huge_ spider that probably hasn't eaten properly in a while and is starving for some human intestines.

Before I faint, I make a promise to myself that I'll run as fast as I can, scream wildly for help and _not_ faint.

* * *

An hour and a half passes, and Lulu takes the hive and throws it to the ground as hard as she can. The honey isn't sticky enough to keep the ladder steady, and only now do we realize how useless it's been. To rid our bodies of the anger and stress buildup, we take turns stomping on the thing so hard that there are no remains when we finish.

"I'm hungry," Link says. He goes to the tent to poke around inside the food bag and I follow, Mikau and Darmani close behind. For some reason, the girls aren't hungry. If Darmani is hungry, that means there'll be no food left in approximately ten minutes, so if they want to eat anytime soon, it has to be or never.

When I step through the tent's opening, Link is sitting on his sleeping bag, already munching on a bag of chips. I head for the food and take a bag of my own, plopping down onto my sleeping bag. I'm actually ready to change into my pajamas and snooze for the next few days. Who knew trying to glue a piece of wood to a stone ledge could be so exhausting?

The girls slither inside and gather on their side of the tent, immediately huddling and whispering to each other. Lulu being the loudest of them, I catch a few words from her. Unfortunately, they're highly inappropriate and I don't feel comfortable repeating them, out loud _or_ mentally. Why they're even talking about that, when we're sitting right next to them, I can't even imagine...

"Where's Zelda?" Link asks, animatedly looking around the tent like she's hiding in the corner. He would notice before anyone else, except me; so okay, I noticed that she wasn't here the second I stepped into the tent, but hey. We're in a confined space, in the dark, and I'm pretty sure Zelda hasn't found a way out of here and escaped without telling anyone. She's not that cruel. My point: there's no need to worry about where she is. I bet she's off trying to find more Boes to hug to death.

"Probably playing with her Boe friend somewhere," I say, still shoving chip after chip into my mouth. Man, salty foods are the best.

"Oh." Link looks disappointed that he wouldn't get to lead a search party for her. "Well, I'll go tell her that we're eating." And he's out of the tent before I can even blink. Romani rolls her eyes and mumbles, "Desperate." I have to agree, as it would be blasphemous not to. The girls start whispering again, Darmani and I continue to chow down, and Mikau is picking at his toes. These chips are delicious.

When Link pokes his head through the tent door, we pay him no mind. Even when he says, "Can someone help me carry Zelda in here?" we completely ignore him. She has two legs that aren't broken, I'm sure she can walk into a tent herself. Link huffs and his head disappears, only to have his whole self clamber through the tent flap, cradling an unconscious Zelda. There were probably so many Boes that she died of fluffiness.

Link gently places her on the last remaining sleeping bag. The girls stop their whispering and crowd around her, trying to wake her up without physical contact. "Zelda?" "Yoo hoo! Wake up." "Hey, sleepyhead..." "Zel!" They snap their fingers and everything. It looks like I'm going to have to fix this. Closing my bag of chips, which is only half gone, I crawl next to Zelda and study her face. Her face is completely neutral, showing no sign of having a dream or a nightmare. She looks almost dead, if it weren't for her regular breathing and flushed face.

Wakey-wakey, Zelda. I grab hold of the front of her shirt and administer two gentle, but loud, smacks.

I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

She gasps and shoots up, clutching her face. "_Ow!_ Sheik, you asshole!" She slaps my face a lot harder than necessary. Shit, it feels like her hand print is going to be a long-lasting part of my face. "What was that for?"

"You were really out of it," Lulu says, "so he woke you up. S'not like he punched you."

"He didn't think of poking me or something?" Zelda growls and continues to rub her face like she's in pain. "Next time you do that, you'll have a permanent bloody nose.—Oh! I just remembered, that thing. Over in the corner where I found the Boe. This big huge ugly _bitch_ fell from the ceiling and scared the crap out of me! I think I stopped breathing or something because I just blacked out, I thought it was going to eat me—but it's still out there. Stupid thing! Do we have a big stick or anything? I want to give it a piece of my mind, I don't know how it got in here because I'm sure it would have attacked sooner, but no. It shows its ugly skull body thing when I'm all by myself. Typical."

Quite the jumbled speech. I'm the first to put her out of her misery. "Zelda, Zelda, Zelda. You stupid child. I don't know what you're talking about, stuff falling from the ceiling. Honestly, you freak out over a harmless Boe and now you're going on about bitches bungee jumping? I think you need rest."

"Shut up. I swear, it happened. It's probably still there." She crawls as fast as she can out the tent flap. "Come on, I'm not crazy. I'll show you, and then you'll see."

We don't move. Nobody wants to be the first one to get up. Romani sighs and starts for the opening. "Sure, why not?" Lulu and Mikau follow her, then Darmani, then Aveil. I'm next and surprisingly, honestly surprisingly, Link is last. He's starting to confuse me. Shouldn't he be the first one to follow Zelda? I feel like it's some sort of unwritten law.

"You coming?" I ask before I completely leave the tent.

"Yeah," he says, "yeah." He gets up hesitantly and follows me. He probably doesn't want to admit that Zelda's lost it. Sucks, because I'm ready to announce it to the world whenever I deem necessary.

* * *

My jaw drops and my mouth goes dry as soon as I'm back where I encountered the spider. "No! It's doing this on purpose, I swear! Stupid fucking smart _bug!"_

It's gone. The web, _all_ of the web, the spider. All of it. _Whoosh!_ Gone. Disappeared. Vanished. Hit the road.

I don't understand. I don't think the human brain was built to comprehend situations like this. I've never, not once, heard of a spider packing up its web and moving. Never. It's not even possible, as far as I know. Does it eat the web or something? I could understand if the spider itself had gone, all by itself, but the fact that all of the web is missing scares me.

"What?" Darmani asks. "You sayin' it picked up the web and went on its merry way?" It does sound ridiculous when said out loud, but I swear to everything decent and holy, it was _there._

"I don't know how it got away," I say, looking around for holes in the wall or ceiling—which is hard because of the damn darkness, "but really, it was here. It almost ate me."

"Yes, Zelda, it almost ate you." Sheik's sarcasm makes me want to smack his crotch with a pipe. "Just like that Boe almost sucked your bodily fluids."

"Don't make fun of me, I've never heard of a Boe in my life. But I swear, I promise, I _know._ That spider was here, in this spot, on the ceiling." I bet the bitch is laughing at me for looking like a lunatic. I hate it when I make a fool of myself, but I'm not giving up. I know what I saw and I'll be damned if anyone tells me otherwise. Unless I really have lost my mind. I'm pretty sure I haven't; hallucinations don't just pop up in front of a completely healthy person out of nowhere.

"Whatever," they all mumble, Sheik and Lulu laughing. This sucks. This sucks so much, when I know I'm right and they think they're right and then they have to go and laugh about it like they're superior.

"Whoa."

Link, who hasn't said a single word since we noticed the missing evidence, is gaping at the other side of the ledge leading into the temple. I have half a mind to completely ignore him and go back to the tent, preserving what's left of my dignity. It's just that...y'know. Curiosity. Who can ignore it?

So I stand next to him and look at the side of the ledge. I go, "Whoa." Whoa, indeed.

Sheik and Lulu calm down enough to drag themselves over to where we are. The second they see the ledge, they stop their annoying laughter. Sheik goes "Whoa" and Lulu just gulps. Pretty soon we're all standing there, staring at the ledge that's covered in spider web.

I mean, it's covered almost all the way, like wallpaper. It's creepy, but also satisfying. There's the damn evidence right in front of them, and I should be laughing right now. But I'm better than that. I'll just settle for a smug smile and eyerolls whenever anyone of them talks to me. I think I'll talk to Sheik and Lulu like they're babies, too, since they think I'm sooo funny.

"Well, well, well," I say, getting warmed up. "Look at _this._ I do believe we're looking at a wall covered in—oh no, wait; please don't tell me, I've got it. Um, I have to say... is it... spider web? Yes, yes, I _do_ believe that's it." I walk towards the wall while the rest of them glare at me. "Web web web. The wall is covered in it. And you know what? This much web could only have come from a spider the size of a cow. I think that fits with that one other thing I was going on about a while ago. I'm sure I looked crazy then, but who's crazy now, hmm?" This is very entertaining. I could do this all day. "Yeah, I thought so. The next time I say something—I don't care if it's, 'A Poe took the last chip, honest!' or 'The Deku Baba took your phone,'—you'd better damn well believe me, because I'm always _right._ I never say I'm right about something unless I know what I'm talking about, and boy, do I know that there's a giant bug running around trying to convince you that I'm insane. Smart fucker...or maybe the rest of you are ignorant _idiots._" Maybe I should stop here. I feel like I'm starting to lose control of myself.

I walk over to the web and look up. No bug in sight. I walk closer and touch the stuff. It's silky, like a Boe, but sort of rough. Surprisingly, it's not sticky, something you would except in a spider web. Well, it is, but I can easily pull my hands back, no hassle at all. I put both of my hands on it and neither of them stick very well. I say a silent, "Thank you," because if the web had fused together with my skin, I would have had a heart attack on the spot. I put my shoe on it, and when I pull my foot back, my shoe slips right off and stays stuck to the web. Weird, a web that doesn't stick well to skin. Maybe it's because bus don't have skin...

I touch the web with the sleeve of my shirt. I then try to tug it off without tearing it.

As soon as I'm free, I say, "Okay, ladies, here's my idea. This stuff is our ticket to the rest of the temple." I point up. "We can climb this stuff if we keep our clothes away from it. Skin doesn't stick. And we're going to have to take off our shoes; put them in the backpacks or something."

Their horrified expressions tell me all I need to know. Link says, "Zelda, it's a web. Y'know, a _trap._ I don't fancy dying at the hands—um, _legs_ of a Skulltula." Oh, so the thing has a name now? Thanks for telling me _now_ that there were giant spiders roaming the temple. It's really something that should've been mentioned a long time ago.

"That's tough. You all wanted to see the temple, and you've got it. I'm going whether you follow or not." I know they will, since there isn't really another way out. "Pack up the tent and let's move." I nod and walk away to grab my bags. I know what I'm doing isn't very smart. This spider is clever, giving us access to the temple; it probably has a trap set up somewhere within. Right now, I don't care. I just want to get into the temple and find the back exit. Hopefully, along the way, I'll find a big stick I can use to beat the hell out of that spider the next time I see it. I start muttering to myself. "Skulltula. Of course they don't mention it until it shows up and starts playing mind games. Flowers... bugs... does _everything_ in Termina act human? I'm not going to another temple until I know exactly what the deal is with the residence..."

* * *

**A/N:** There. That whole chapter is just the first room. Lordie, we're gonna be here all year.

Now that _that's_ out of the way, I can lounge around like the human blob I am. Nighty-night!


	8. The Goods

**A/N:** Final exams I'm destined to fail. Major history project. Major vocabulary test. Major _major_ English project. Two plus two plus two plus two equals _can I have time to freaking breathe?_ There's like, TWO weeks of school left and they're shoving all this crap at us? Seriously now? /rant

Woodfall Temple exploration time—yay! I'm going to say right here, right now: there will be some architectural changes to the temple, since humans can't dive into Deku flowers and fly and the stuff that's kinda needed to get through the place. And maybe I'll have Odolwa show up. Maybe. If I find a way for Zelda and co. to beat him without a sword.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: The Goods**

Now that it's clear there's a giant spider lurking somewhere and anywhere near us, I'm kind of paranoid. Or extremely; I can't stop shaking. The idea of being hunted down and having my insides sucked out slowly and painfully by a cow-sized bug keeps shoving every other thought from my mind so that I have no choice but to worry. But there are worse things in the world, things that only seem to happen to everyone else.

Like Lulu, for example.

"I'm going to kill you!" she screams at no one in particular. I don't know why she's mad at us, but I guess everyone thinks irrationally when they're pissed. I peek over the ledge at her. She got stuck on the web while scaling the ledge barefoot, so close to the top and yet too far for anyone to reach her. It looks like she's going to have to leave her hoodie behind unless she can get it off the web without ripping it.

"Who?" Mikau asks, sitting by the door. I notice just now that I'm on the only one standing up. Not that it matters, but I don't like feeling left out so I sit down. The ground is hard, cold, and damp. I stand back up, shuddering. Good thing Darmani passed our shoes back to us as soon as we got up, him being the first one. I really don't need grimy socks at a time like this.

"All of you," Lulu continues, "it's all your fault—_shit._ Help me!"

"You were the last one to climb," Romani says, annoyed yet smug that she can annoy the hell out of her and Lulu can't do anything about it. "You got yourself stuck."

"I didn't know it was this strong!"

"Too bad. You're going to die there unless you take off the hoodie." It would be so easy; all she has to do is unzip it.

"No! It's freezing in here."

"Do you want to be cold or eaten?" Romani's tone is lazy and uncaring. She's totally milking this, and Lulu's probably going to bitch about it as soon as she gets free. Romani continues, "Cold? Or eaten? Chilly, or devoured? A little uncomfortable, or an agonizingly slow death?"

Lulu screams hysterically. "Fuck you!"

Romani shrugs, "Whatever," and opens the door, as if she's going to go ahead all by herself with Death looming about. "Stay there. Have fun. Enjoy. I'll miss you." She goes through the door without a single glance back, her dark red ponytail swishing about as she walks. Surprisingly, Zelda, Mikau, and Aveil follow her, all carrying whatever they originally brought.

I glare at Mikau. I'm not really one to go out of my way to help people, but this is his sister. Surely he isn't just going to walk away? Mikau shrugs when he notices me. "She'll come to her senses." And the three of them are swallowed by the darkness of the next room. _She'll come to her senses?_ Whatever. I can't believe he won't help his own sister.

Not that I'm exactly tripping over my own feet to help her.

Darmani, Link and I fidget uncomfortably while Lulu continues to curse us for her predicament. Who's to help her when she's too far away? Do we leave? Stay and do nothing?

Lulu's hand suddenly appears over the edge, gripping the ground for dear life. I actually jump a bit in surprise, and she pulls the rest of herself over the edge. "Finally!" she groans, collapsing on the disgusting ground that imprinted a wet spot on my butt a while ago. "I never want to climb anything again," she mumbles.

Link is staring at her with surprise. "How'd you save the hoodie?" he asks, gesturing at her whole body. He's right, Lulu's still wearing her hoodie like nothing happened to it. Although, there's a bit of web stuck to the right sleeve. The idiot girl forgot to push her sleeves up before she climbed.

"Chewed through the web," Lulu whispers miserably. The poor dear now knows what silky spider poop tastes like. "_The_ most disgusting shit ever. But I saved my warmth." She curls herself into a ball and relishes in her body heat.

"Yeah, yeah, that's nice," I say impatiently, stomping over to the door. "Can we please catch up with the losers? I'd rather not get lost in here and die."

Darmani laughs. "I think the others have to worry more about death than we do. We have the tent."

"And the food," Link adds, also laughing.

"I have a map," Lulu's voice comes from somewhere within the lump of fluffy fabric. The map will only be useful if we get out of here with our head still connected to our bodies, but it's nice to know.

"And I have two sleeping bags," I say. "We can share if we need to." Not happening. Darmani's almost too big for one sleeping bag, and one of us is a girl. Problems!

I stick my head through the door. "Hear that, Zel? We've got the _goods._" My voice echoes: "_Got the goods... God the goods... Goods..."_

_

* * *

_

_"We've got the goods... Got the goods... Got the goods... Goods..."_

"What was that?" Mikau whispers as he trembles against me. I've never had to comfort a boy before. I've never even heard of it happening. Just this once, I guess, since Mikau's a special cookie. I even let him get away with the whispering, since something could be stalking us at this very second.

I rub his back soothingly. "Just Sheik and his _goods._ Probably not as good as _our_ goods." I roll my eyes, referring to the key Aveil refuses to let go of. Aveil and Romani snicker. "Maybe they got Lulu."

"Maybe they did," Romani huffs bitterly, like Lulu is a type of fatal disease. She immediately changes the subject to something more interesting. "Where do you think we are?"

Aveil taps her chin, deep in thought. She looks around the room, perusing every crack in every wall, every ripple of water below us, every dust particle floating through the air. She does this for a full minute and some seconds, humming all the while. She even taps her foot and twirls the key around in her hands. We're starting to get impatient when she suddenly thrusts her finger in the air, 'eureka!' style, and says proudly, "I belive we're in Woodfall Temple."

We take turns smacking her while she giggles uncontrollably. Stupid acting.

I really don't know where we are, but that's expected, considering I don't know anything about Termina. The room we first walked into was big, slightly bigger than the first one. There were actually two Deku Babas in the room, and I almost had a freaking heart attack seeing them because we had to walk by both, but they were dead. Freshly dead too, since plants normally wither away to nothing quickly when they die. Freaky. The bottom floor was covered in water, but too deep to wade across. I mean, we _could_ have waded, but then we'd be wandering around an already damp temple in soaking wet clothes. No thank you. Besides, there were perfectly acceptable bridges over the water leading to two different doors. I was uncomfortable at first, because each bridge was connected by what looked like giant lily pads with _teeth._ Built so that anything unfortunate enough to blindly step on it is immediately chewed and devoured in the matter of seconds. After coaxing Mikau into touching it, it didn't take long to realize that it wasn't _alive_ alive. In the middle of the room was a giant wooden flower. Odd, but I passed it off as a shrine of sorts, probably the center of the temple or something deep and important like that.

There were two doors, one on the left side of the room and one on the right. The one on the left was locked, so we took the right. I was the last one to cross the bridge, and I smugly stomped on the lily pads in revenge for their Deku Baba cousin scaring the hell out of me.

Then we came into another room exactly like the Wooden Flower room, sans Wooden Flower. Two more doors in that room: we had picked the one straight ahead, but there was nothing interesting in it. Wait, a lie. There was a treasure chest in there, but it had already been opened. Bummer. I'm really in the mood for some treasure.

So we headed for the other door, which was up a long, stone staircase. One that would have been useful in the first damn room. Seriously. In _this_ room, however, we got lucky. Another treasure chest was smack in the middle of the otherwise bare room, and it was much bigger and nicer looking than the last one. A struggle ensued as to who got to open it. Mikau was the first to back down, claiming the treasure would be cursed. Aveil actually socked Romani in the stomach and pounced onto the chest while Romani gasped and wheezed and cursed her to the bitchiest ring of hell. I gave up after Aveil threatened to do the same to me.

She opened the chest and we crowded around her to gaze upon our new toy: a key. A giant key. My first thought was, _Pffft, how boring._ But then I noticed the colorful jewel on the end of the key and squealed. We all squealed. Mikau squealed like he did it all the time. Nobody questioned his non-manly squealing, we were too busy squealing with glee and delight and _cash._

Now we're all caught up to the present. Romani is still hitting Aveil. "Tell us where we are. Tell us where we are. Tell us where we are."

Aveil keeps giggling, apparently thinking her acting is funny. "I already told you, dummy. We're in Woodf—"

"Shut up," Romani growls. "If you're not going to be useful..." she trails off and heads for the door. "Let's see if we can't find those other people we came here with."

"You mean our friends?" Mikau asks, eyebrows raised.

"Yes. Our friends and your sister, whom you left behind to be devoured." Mikau blushes and shuts his mouth. "I want to rub that key in their faces."

"I'll be doing the rubbing around here," Aveil says, greedily clutching the key and running through the door before Romani. She and Mikau scramble after her, apparently not wanting to be the last ones in the room.

I have to jog to catch up to them. "Wait! Do you even know the way out of here?" The last thing I need is to get lost in this place, especially with our enigmatic stalker hanging around. (Excuse the pun.)

"No," is the simultaneous reply.

* * *

Link latches onto my arm since I'm the closest to him, and given the circumstances I don't really mind. It's so dark in here that it doesn't make a difference if my eyes are open or not. "Why are we even in here? It's too dark."

"Because that other door by the big flower was locked," Lulu's voice comes from somewhere in front of me. "There has to be another one in here, unless we missed something..."

"No," Darmani says from behind, "I didn't see anywhere else to go. This is definitely the only way through."

"So you're saying that the others already came through here?" I ask. If they jump out and scream "BOO!" at us I think I might actually pass out. The darkness is starting to make me a little queasy. "How?"

Link lets go of my arm. "Maybe the didn't. The spider could've gotten them." Darmani lets out a gasp, and mutters, "Next time you want to hold hands, warn me." Guess Link decided he wants a tougher latching buddy. Link continues, "Can't spiders see in the dark? Or feel the vibrations in the ground and stuff? Then it would actually have better eyesight than us."

"Shut up," Lulu says, though I can tell that she's scared too. We haven't seen the spider since the first room, and it could be hiding anywhere. Who knows, maybe Zelda really is dead and is being pooped out as we speak. In this room, we're pretty much big fat walking targets screaming, "I hate life. Eat me!"

Lulu squeaks and there's the sound of something heavy hitting the ground. Dumb child must have tripped. My intention is to keep walking and ignore her entirely, but then my foot kicks something big and squishy and definitely in my way—Lulu—and I trip too. My life sucks because I don't have the luxury of just landing on the ground, oh no, not me. On the way down I get to bust my chin on a wooden something. Whatever it is, I hate it immediately.

Darmani, and Link since he's glued to him, has the sense to stop and ponder the sound of his friends falling. "Hey, what's going on? Did you two slip?"

Lulu groans. "Yeah. Felt like I stepped on ash."

"I think I have splinters in my chin!" I shriek. Could this _get_ any more painful? Lulu laughs and I hear her standing up.

"You'll have to deal with them until we get out," she says, failing to keep the smile out of her voice. I hear her walking—her foot slowly nudges me in the stomach, to make sure she doesn't repeat my stupid mistake. She goes around me and stops. "Oh shit, treasure! Way to hurt yourself with a treasure chest, Sheik."

Treasure? I found it first. It's _mine._

I jump up, feeling my way around to the front. Next to me, Lulu tries to open it, but I shove her hands away, hissing, "I touched it first," and opening it myself. There's a bright flash of light, in which I'm able to see the inside of the chest.

Nothing.

"Damn it!" I kick at the chest and the lid snaps shut. Just what I need. Fake safety hazard treasure.

"This room is filled with Boes," Lulu randomly says. I raise an eyebrow at her but remember that she can't see, so I say, "Say what?"

"Boes," she says, annoyed. "I could see them when that light came on. I guess I stepped on one when I fell." She adds, "I hope I didn't kill it."

"I don't care," I say, my arms stretched outward so I don't bump into Lulu again. "Boes aren't going to help us get out of here. Be useful and find the exit."

I can't hear anything, but I'm assuming that they're looking around for the door. At least, they'd better be. Stumbling around blindly in a small, dark room is annoying as hell. Where's that flash of light when you need it?

I finally find something; a wall. Or a very large stone block. Now all I have to do is feel along the wall to find the door or passage or whatever...I move more to the right. Although it could be to the left, but whatever. If I don't find anything, I'll go the other way. I keep going until I bump into something.

"Who's this?" it whispers, and hands suddenly start feeling me up. The person gasps and the hands are snatched back before I have a chance to slap them away. "Sheik, you feel like a damn skeleton. Eat something." Without the whispering, I can tell it's Lulu.

_Gross._

I'm not even going to try to retort, so I just keep feeling the wall, moving a couple of feet every now and then until I bump into something else. This one feels much less alive. I reach out with my right hand and I can feel more wood. Wood is something I'm not too happy with right now, so I ignore it and keep going until I feel two long, straight cracks in the wall spaced apart just so. The door—_finally._

"Jackpot!" I say triumphantly. I hook my fingers underneath a large crack in the door and lift. Even though I'm not very strong, the door slides up easily like the sides are buttered. The room is immediately filled with sweet, sweet light and I can see that Lulu was right. The Boes in the room scuttle and scatter for the cover of darkness.

Darmani and Link are the first ones to step out, followed by Lulu and I. As soon as I see the new room we're in, hatred flows through me. My face flushes and I clench my teeth and my hands form fists on their very own and I growl, "What keeps happening to the fucking floors?" Because the room is made up of literally three platforms, a long ways apart and all connected by thin, yet sturdy-looking, pieces of wood. Wood, wood, wood. I think I'll kill myself with a piece of wood, just so that the wood can have the last laugh.

Darmani grunts, "Who cares. Least we can get across." He doesn't say anything else, he just walks straight ahead to the first beam. Link follows, glancing nervously at the seemingly never-ending pit beneath us. Lulu starts to walk, but I snatch her arm and say as sweetly as I can, "Would you mind helping me get these splinters out? I think pus is starting to ooze."

* * *

"How is this possible?" Romani wails at the door leading back to the first room. On it is a big, shiny lock, wrapped around the door by chains that don't look easily breakable. "Where did this stupid thing come from? I'm getting sick of the mystery and the randomness and where the hell are the others? There are only two doors in this room and the other one is locked just like this one except the door we went through is open so we should've run into them but where?" She slumps to the ground and clutches at her head, mumbling some more.

Mikau shifts from one foot to the other, keeping his eyes away from the door. "Will the key work?" he asks, but when Aveil holds it up to the door it's obvious that it won't. The key is huge compared to the lock.

Aveil pockets the key—well, not literally. She stuffs it into the sleeping bag she's carrying. "It's not like we need to go into that room anyway. We should go look for the guys. If we hurry, we can rescue them from the big bad hellbug."

Romani doesn't move from her head-clutching position. "And how do you propose we do that?"

"By going through that door down there, by the dead flower."

Romani shoots up and stares at the door in shock and wonder, her eyes bugging out of her head. "What! No, I don't think so." She sprints down the path and stops in front of the door. The way she's standing makes it look like the door is some long lost treasure that she refuses to believe is actually there. "This was definitely locked not ten minutes ago.I refuse to go through this...this trick!"

"Well, it's our only choice," Mikau says, flinching slightly when Romani glares at him. "That other door is locked too." Romani peers over his shoulder at the door we just came through. Even from here we can see that it is indeed locked, shiny chains and all. Romani throws her hands in the air and sort of barks.

"Will the magic ever end?" She turns on her heel and stomps towards the door, roughly yanking it open.

* * *

Link rolls his eyes and tries again. "Just inch your way towards us. If you stay there, you're not going to make it." Lulu was the last one to cross the beams. She chickened out on the third one because she almost fell, and is now hugging it since it's her temporary lifeline. She refuses to move and it's starting to get annoying. "Hurry up. Or we'll leave you."

_"Hurry up or we'll leave you,"_ Lulu mimics in a nasally high voice, and looks at Link like he's a walking blob of diarrhea. "Give me a second." She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths before scooching forward a little bit. Then a little more. It looks like she isn't breathing. She keeps going until she has to take in a breath. After more deep breaths and squeezing her eyes shut, she shimmies forward until she's about two feet away from us. She exhales and doesn't open her eyes. "How much further?"

"For gods' sake!" Darmani growls, bending over to grab Lulu by her neck and hauling her to the end. She yelps but is silenced when Darmani carelessly tosses her to the ground. "We'll never get out of here if you keep acting like a baby."

* * *

One by one we run as fast as we can through the door leading back to the wooden flower room, and as soon as Mikau flies past me I slam the door shut. It takes a while but eventually the adrenaline sprinting through my veins slows and dulls completely, leaving me to collapse on the ground breathless and very much afraid. I'm joined by Mikau and Romani, but Aveil is standing tall and strong, smiling at us.

"Wasn't that exciting?" she says eagerly. "I think my life actually flashed before my eyes. We should do it again."

"No," Romani groans from the ground. "Let's just stay here and starve." Aveil shrugs and joins us on the floor.

The room we had walked in seemed safe at first. The door in their was locked so we went up the stairs next to it, where there was a passageway leading to somewhere; maybe out. But the entrance was covered in a giant spider web, which we all gawked at for maybe six minutes since it's hard to ignore a skeleton when one is smack in the middle of said web. One of us screamed and we all fled soon after.

"Do you think it's actually in there?" Mikau asks breathlessly. I shrug as much as I can while lying on the floor. Mikau becomes my least favorite person when he says, "That skeleton didn't look too old."

We all whine for him to please stop talking, and in silence we just sit there, out of breath, hungry, and scared. Not just hungry, but starving. Have we eaten since we came in here? I honestly don't remember, and that can't be a good thing since we haven't been in here all that long.

"Hey!" comes a voice I haven't heard in a while: Link. The tiredness we were just feeling flees the scene and we all stand up, looking for him and possibly the others. "Up here," he calls again, and we see him. He's standing on another ledge above the door we came through.

I swear I've never been so happy to see someone I haven't seen in what feels like forever. It has nothing to do with the fact that Link is carrying a bag filled with delicious delectable food. His charming smile and spazzy waving and eagerness to see us is all I need to be happy. The food is just a bonus.

"Food!—Uh, I mean, hi Link!" Oops. I rush across the bridges to the other side. Screw Romani and Aveil and Mikau and that pretty key. I said hi to him, so I can drop the politeness. "Food! Starving. Now, please."

"Come up here and get it," Sheik says, his head appearing over the edge. I glare at the jerk and stick my tongue out. "Here, climb this and you can stuff your face all you want." He lowers one of the sleeping bags down and it's just enough that I can jump up and hold onto it while Darmani hoists me up, since Sheik is too dainty for something like that.

One by one we're all pulled up and there's a mushy, friendship-hug worthy reunion—ha, false. I zone in on Link for the food and start to move towards him. Sheik suddenly butts in and mimics my hunched movements. "I get first dibs," he says out of the corner of his mouth. We slowly back Link into a corner; he's attempting to protect the food with his body, looking determined to face the both of us and come out on top. But I can sense the fear. _His_ fear. His fear that he'll lose, and the shame of failing at his only duty.

I sneak a look at Sheik.

He sneaks a look back.

We both lunge for the goods.

* * *

**A/N:** If you're wondering why locks are magically appearing and disappearing on doors or why spiderwebs show up in front of halls after half the characters wandered into the same hallway: **the temple is magic and the spider has a plan. That's why.**

So like I said, work work work. School is pissing me off even more than it should be allowed to. Since I'll be leaving early for summer fun, I have to reschedule my final exams, and that's just more work for me. The reason I decided to wait until now to update is because I'll be busy for the next couple of weeks with projects and studying and procrastinating on the studying.

I really need a stress ball, or one of those squeeze-doll things that make a funny noise and push out small spaghetti-whatevers when squished.

Sorry if this chapter is balls, and for the lack of Skulltula/Odolwa/escapement. Next chapter, pinky swear.


	9. Too Hard

**A/N:** There. Both of my projects are over and done with, as well as the exams I had to take early. Just five more to go (I can foresee myself failing two of them), and then it's nothing but summer goodness.

Just saying here and now, in case I wasn't clear: the spider has nothing to do with the locks. I just thought it would be fun to abuse my power—couldn't resist. But the spider is still plotting, don't you worry.

By the way, we get to see _the spider's thoughts_ in this chapter. Makes things much easier for me. :D

**Warning:** A dirty joke or two. You can handle it.

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Too Hard**

"Give it to me," she growls, not loosening her hold on the bag of food one bit. Her glare is supposed to frighten me into letting go, but I can't be scared so easily.

Well, that's a lie. What I mean is _she_ can't scare me easily.

"Make me," I say flatly. I match her glare, but I don't think it's working. Link is still sitting in the corner where we backed him up, afraid we'll start brawling if someone dares to move. I think he and Mikau are the only ones actually paying us any attention. Aveil and Romani are comparing their adventure stories with Lulu and Darmani. Aveil is randomly holding a big and very shiny-looking key.

A key to what? She probably has no idea. The jewel looks like it's worth something, though. Note to self that I'll probably forget: steal the key when everyone is asleep.

Zelda tugs on the bag. "Let go. I got it first."

"You did not. I had both straps in my hand before you even touched it."

"Lies. I was holding the bottom before you rudely yanked it from me. Now give it."

"I don't want to."

Glare glare glare.

Her eyes flicker downwards. A slow smile spreads over her lips. "Okay," she says equally slowly. "You can have the food..."

She's lying through her teeth. A very sloppy lie, too.

"...over my dead body!" Faster than I would like to think, she reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. It must be really tiny, because I can't see it. She throws whatever it is to the ground, and I guess I know what it is now.

Because now I can't see anything except the color white. I let go of the food to cover my eyes and I hear a triumphant "Whoo!" before feeling myself being shoved rudely to the ground.

Three seconds of blinding light and an additional ten seconds for my eyes to adjust later, I hear a slam.

The other door. The one we didn't come through. Now she could be anywhere.

_That cheap little..._

Romani decides to grace us with her attention. "Was that a Deku nut?"

"What do you think?" I mumble, trying to ignore my now damp butt. Stupid floor.

"I think she went through the door, too," Mikau adds helpfully. I decide not to comment.

Link stands up, brushing himself off and totally ignoring his failure to keep the food safe. "You're all so selfish," he mumbles. "Someone go get her before she loses it all."

"You do it," I say. "It's your responsibility." I'm still sitting on the ground for some reason.

"You were the one fighting her," he says. "You can do it."

"No, I don't feel like it. Go."

"No." He crosses his arms looks directly into my eyes. _Now_ I'm frightened.

"All in favor of Link hunting Zelda," I say and raise my hand. Romani, Lulu, and Aveil's hands all shoot up at the same time. Mikau raises his hand after looking at them, and Darmani just shrugs.

"Well look at that," I say, laying down on the disgusting floor _for some odd reason._ I feel so tired all of a sudden. Lack of food, perhaps? "I think you lose, Link. Now scoot."

He's about to protest, but Aveil starts to drift toward him, her swaying hips foretelling a sure future of flirts and touches and eyelash-battings.

Link takes the hint and flees. I mean he literally scrambles to the door, throws it open, and bolts inside. The door shuts by itself, something I've never noticed.

Aveil stares at the door with a somewhat shocked expression. "That was almost insulting," she says. Lulu snorts not too subtly and Aveil merely smiles at her. "At least I've still got my _key_ to riches and happiness," she says, waving around her key as if to attack the horrible pun that somehow managed to slip out of her mouth.

This time, Lulu and Romani both snort, but glare jealously at the fat jewel that will make Aveil rich.

* * *

On the Stupidity Scale, I give myself a generous ten out of ten.

The Satisfaction Scale? One-fucking-hundred out of ten, baby.

It's mine. The food is mine. It belongs to me and nobody else; especially not Sheik. See if he tries to take away what's rightfully mine ever again.

After sliding down a ladder and jumping up a few ledges into a out-of-sight alcove, I open the bag and look inside, my stomach bubbling with excitement and hunger. What's first on the list? I think I'll start with a sandwich. Hee, preferably _Sheik's_ sandwich. I've never had a ham-and-mustard sandwich before, but I'm willing to try it.

Not out of spite, no. No no no. I'm honestly curious.

I don't think I'll be able to judge how much I like it with just _one_ sandwich. Perhaps it's best that I have two of them. Just to be extra sure.

* * *

_Ah, humans. Never know when to pay attention. It will be their downfall in due time._

_Though it is unfortunate that the stupid girl is not in possession of the key. It would make this much easier, lest I use force to get them to open the door._

_Blasted Odolwa, thinking he can just stroll in here, take control of this holy temple and hide behind that accursed door for the rest of his days. If he were to make it any darker and damper, the Boes will surely feel threatened and begin their rapid reproduction to ensure their survival. I fear for the lives of my unborn children, for Boes can be quite vicious when threatened..._

_My, look at that girl. Scoffing down her food as though she is on the verge of dying. Ridiculous! If I am not mistaken, my children are much more deserving of food; the way that infuriating jungle warrior insists on slowly poisoning the temple guarantees minimal food for them, and it is almost certain that not even half of them will live very long. Even if I were to kill the humans, their meat would not satisfy my children long enough. We will die._

_Then it is decided. The door must be opened immediately._

_

* * *

_

"Zeldaaa?" comes a call that I'm pretty sure is Link. Great. Just when I was starting to enjoy myself. Since he interrupted my happy time, it's only fair that I get to eat his sandwich. Which one is his...?

"Zelda, I know you're in here. Please share the food, you don't want us to starve, do you? Zelda?" He's starting to sound worried. Weird, you'd think he would go straight for impatient. "Zelda? You okay? Are you even in here? Hello?"

Oh dear. Panic. Sorry Link, but that's going to cost you another sandwich.

...I feel so giddy right now. Over a sandwich. Is this what it feels like to go crazy?

"Come on Zelda! Quit playing gam—"

_Slam!_

What?

I can hear Link squeak. "That's not funny," he calls. "Come on. Open up!"

Ah crap. Looks like I'm going to have to save the day again. I can't recall having actually done it before, but I'm pretty sure I have.

With the suspiciously lighter food bag on my shoulder, I make my way to the door to find Link pounding on it and calling for someone to let him in. He turns around to glare at me before I can speak. He looks crazier than I probably do; his face red and sweaty, hair and eyes wild. I imagine he'll also have some nice bruises on his hands.

"Thanks for finally joining me," he hisses, and his eyes zone in on the bag. "Tell me you didn't eat all of it."

"I didn't," I say. I'm proud of myself for telling the truth, and at the same time ashamed for eating a good portion of it. It wasn't on purpose, I think the darkness of the temple was just getting to me.

"Swear?"

"Swear."

He nods and continues to freak out. He pounds and hits and yells and shouts.

"Link, maybe you should calm down," I say after I can't take it anymore. He ignores me. I'm forced to grip his arm as tightly as possible, while digging my nails into his skin for added fear. (What the hell, does he work out? With those muscles, he should be carrying _me_ through the temple. Who needs walking?) He didn't flinch in pain, but he does stop his spazzing. "Relax, okay? This is probably just their way of getting me back."

He mumbles something. I lean in closer, prompting him to speak up. He mumbles again.

I slap his shoulder. "Would you just say it out loud?"

"I said _us._ Their way of getting _us_ back."

I blink. Did he really just say that? Willingly?

"...way to join the losing team, Link," I say, grabbing his hand and forcing him to follow me. "But while we're stuck here, we should at least take advantage of the opportunity to explore. Look," I point to one of the two tower things in the middle of the room, "I think I see something shiny way up there. Be a gentleman and go fetch it for me."

* * *

We're all staring stupidly at the door that just decided to lock itself. I mean, out of nowhere, a lock just suddenly appears out of thin air and the chains wrap themselves around the door. All by themselves.

"Well," Romani says, her voice shaky, "at least I got to see it in action."

Darmani groans, "Great. This is absolutely perfect. They're _in_ there. Now we're separated. Again."

"Hey there, Negative Nelly," Aveil says, rolling her eyes. "Thanks for not even trying to do anything remotely helpful."

"What do you want me to do?" Darmani puffs up, if possible since he's already enormous. "Break the lock and smash my way through the door?"

I immediately realize what he just said is so totally obvious. I'm surprised nobody else notices.

"That's exactly what you should do," I say when nobody else gives him the correct answer. "Break the lock."

"With what?" He eyes me, daring me to make any sense.

"I don't know. Your fists. They look pretty hard."

"That's what she said," Romani and Lulu sing together. They both begin to glare in a 'how dare you sound like me' way, but they get over it and begin to giggle. They giggle some more before it turns into completely hysterical laughter. They're clutching each other for support, and Romani loses her hold on Lulu's finger and falls to the ground, writhing like she's being tickle-tortured.

Lulu is hunched over and trying very hard to breathe, but just as she calms down Romani says unnecessarily loudly, "Oh, Lulu, the _boys, _they look _pretty hard!"_ and tops it off by acting like she's having an intense orgasm; they start cracking up again.

It isn't long before Lulu too falls to the ground. They both hug each other and roll around, not even trying to control their laughter.

It looks like oodles of fun, to be honest. But we can't waste time. Even though it looks like fun. Like I just said.

Mikau is starting to look very uncomfortable. Darmani is just staring at them and Aveil seems to want to join in the fun, judging by the way she's squeezing her key, but she is holding herself back.

Romani is the first to get over the joke while Lulu stays on the ground, panting and letting out a giggle or a snort every other second or so. "Whew," she says, trying to get the mud and grass out of her hair. "That's the most fun I've had today."

"Ditto," Lulu breathes from the floor, a giggle escaping from her.

"How about," Mikau suddenly speaks up desperately, trying to switch over to the important subject, "you break the chains instead? That might be easier."

Darmani grunts. "Kid's smarter than you," he says to me. If he weren't so intimidating, I would stick my tongue out at him. I settle for rolling my eyes and ignoring him while he starts to pull on the chains.

He begins to sweat and his grunts grow louder as time passes. I secretly hope he falls on his butt and puts a hole in the ground. Romani starts laughing again. "What's the matter, Dar? Are they too _hard_ for you?" She and Lulu collapse on the floor, from both laughter and exhaustion. This time, Aveil joins them.

* * *

_What? No, the door cannot be locked! Now, of all times?_

_The one with the key still has not come through yet. What were the humans waiting for, an invitation?_

_I am going to have to speed this along myself. It will not be long before my eggs hatch, and I need the door to be open before then or he'll have won..._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** So, I've decided to let you deal with a short chapter for once. I was going to go ahead and finish up the temple here, but it's late, I'm tired, and I'll have a ton of extra time next week before I leave for my trip. So expect the temple to be finished by Monday. Tuesday at the absolute latest. Then you can pretend that this chapter and that chapter = one big chapter. Yay for the imagination!

Typos? Grammatical errors? You'll live.

I will be gone for two weeks after that, give or take a few days. Please, enjoy the other wonderful fanfics here that are tons better than this while I am gone. (Anything involving Cloud Strife or Link/Dark Link is A-Okay by me. ;D) I know I'm not the best writer, but please don't forget about me when I leave. I love my invisible audience. 'Specially one of the few visible ones, Foxpilot, because I've decided that you're very nice and I like you. Thanks for reviewing more than once, you brave soul.

See y'all on Monday. Or Tuesday. Ciao.


	10. Skullie and Guy

**A/N:** Just a couple more finals to go. I think I failed the ones I took today; I guessed too many times. ;-;

And thanks for the reviewing, guys. Now I have more reviews than I do chapters. For now. :D

We're finally wrapping up Woodfall Temple. I've milked it for what it's worth and it's finally time to GTFO.

**Warning:** Death and devouring. Not too big on the details, but just FYI.

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Skullie and Guy**

"About time," I say when Darmani finally succeeds in breaking the chains. I didn't know they were that strong for such thin pieces of metal. Stupid magic chains.

"Yeah...you're welcome...shrimp," Darmani pants. From snapping a few chains. There's no way those things could have tired him out like that, but I don't really feel like trying to break them myself. I have a temple to escape.

Lulu calls, "First!" and sprints to the door. We all run after her, not really wanting to take the chance at being locked in the room all over again. Except Darmani, who is slowly trudging after us. If we weren't to intent on escaping, I would stay behind to laugh at his state.

As soon as he drags his butt through the door, it slams shut. I can't tell if it's locked again or not, but it doesn't really matter. We're in a large, unfamiliar room. Other than the one with the giant wooden flower, this room looks important. It's just the feel of it, like how you can tell something is important without really knowing anything about it. The room is almost completely empty, except for the two towers in the middle, side by side, with two pillars in between them. What their purpose is, I don't know. Who cares?

Along the wall to our direct left and right are a bunch of small alcoves. They're completely empty. The entire bottom of the room is covered in another freaking layer of water. Water, water, water, why so much water? This room just gets more and more pointless as we go along, doesn't it? Across from us, much higher up, is a large alcove, with a giant stone staircase leading to it. Now _there's_ something that looks like it would hold a door. An important door. The damn exit, that's what!

I feel like I'm about to float dreamily up the stairs, so giddy with excitement at finally leaving this stupid place—

"Hey," I hear Zelda call from...wait. How the hell did she get on top of that tower? "You finally decided to come in. Welcome, you assholes!"

"Why are we assholes? You're the one who ran off with the food," Lulu huffs.

"Because," comes Link's voice from somewhere I can't see, "you locked us in here. Hey, Zelda, would you mind helping me up? My foot's stuck." Zelda grumble-grumbles and turns around to, apparently, help Link get to the top.

"We didn't lock you in here," Romani says, "the door locked itself. We had Darmani break us in, so you're welcome."

"Stupid door," Zelda growls, still trying to help Link up. "Link, if you don't stop being so heavy, we're both going to fall and split our heads open on the path. Use your muscles, come on! Pull!"

* * *

_The key, the key! Finally; an end can be put to this blasphemous nonsense._

_Prepare, my children, for the most satisfying victory feast you could ever imagine..._

_

* * *

_

"Those are some long stairs," Mikau says, practically looking straight up at the ceiling. What an exaggerator. It couldn't be higher than four, five stories.

Romani rolls her eyes. "At least it's pretty straightforward. Let's just get moving." She starts to climb the stairs. "We're so close the the exit I can almost smell the fresh air." She actually takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and most likely imagining a beautiful meadow with colorful flowers and cloudless skies and all that junk; in reality, she gags at the swampy-stench she just inhaled. Such an intelligent girl.

Link and Zelda, who decided to come down after failing to pull Link all the way up, are next up the stairs. Link's holding some shiny rock that Zelda keeps trying to take from him. It's...well, shiny, but other than that it doesn't look like it would be worth anything. Too bad Zelda doesn't get her own treasure to possibly sell at an absurdly high price.

Now we're all on the stairs, trudging slowly up the endless flight, almost moaning with every step. It's not very high up, but it's still seriously steep. One step is practically four feet higher than the last step, and I won't even bat an eyelash if Darmani were to suddenly fall over and tumble down the stairs. In fact, I'm predicting it _will_ happen.

Right then, Romani screams like a rat just crawled out of her butt. We all jump a few thousand miles and—HA!—Darmani falls backwards and rolls down the staircase. Only he grabs onto one of the stairs before he can get too far down. Damn. It would be amazing if he hit the ground and made a crater, heh.

Oh wait. The scream, right. I gotcha.

So, the scream. I jump the last few stairs to where Romani is still standing even though something clearly bad is going on, and it's not pretty. In fact, it's downright evil and should be burned down as soon as possible.

* * *

Lots and lots of web. So much that if there weren't a small tunnel leading to a large locked door, we wouldn't be able to see through it.

But I can see, somewhere in the middle, three large balls of...web. Well, duh, it's _all_ web, but what are those balls? (I would giggle, but I'm a bit busy being disgusted right now.) Captured animals? Captured _humans?_

I think I'm going to vomit. All over—oh look, Sheik's standing next to me. Perfect. I lean towards him and I feel the bile racing up my throat at breakneck speed, ready to gush all over—

Nah, I'm not that sick. (Punny!) If I do throw up, it's going to be over the edge of the stairs like a civilized child.

At the end of the tunnel, right in front of the door, our favorite friend in the whole world suddenly drops down from the somewhat low ceiling: the Skulltula. Dun-dun-dunnnn!

Shit, we're about to become breakfast.

Romani screams again. Lulu and Mikau embrace, joining in on the screaming. I can't decide between hiding behind Sheik or Link, so I just stand still. If you remain still, the enemy cannot see you. I don't know how spiders' eyes work, but this is a universal law. It has to be, or I'm done.

Darmani's hand suddenly appears on the last stair, and Aveil pushes him back. "No, change of plans. We're not going this way."

"What?" he wails. "I just spent forever climbing this damn—"

The Skulltula roars.

Ouch, it hurt my hears just a bit.

Spiders can roar?

I'm too shocked to really run, and I guess everyone else is too. Adrenaline has failed us. Thanks a lot.

Skullie (What? Why not?) takes a step forward. It's weird calling it a step, just because it can take eight individual steps. But a step is a step.

Nobody moves.

Skullie takes another step forward. How do spiders move their legs like that?

We still don't move. Come on, brain, kick into gear! This is a life-or-death situation, so gimme the energy I need to help me sprint like hell!

Skullie stops and, focusing her red eyes on us (Well, it has to be the mother, so girl it is.), opens her mouth—fangs, really—and begins to speak.

* * *

_"Odolwa has forbidden me from opening the door, so one of you will have to do it. I have the key here. Cooperate, or my children will feed on you instead."_

_

* * *

_

"Clickclickclick clickityclickclick. Clickyclick clickityclickity clicky."

...

What are we supposed to say to that?

"Did you get that?" Sheik whispers to no one in particular.

"Not really," I say.

"Nope," says Link.

"Uh-uh."

"No."

Sheik sighs. "So what do we say?"

A long silence stretches between us. What Skullie is thinking, well. It can't be good. I'm trying to decide who to sacrifice first. If we throw Darmani forward, it'll take a long time for Skullie to eat him, providing maximum escape time...

"Click!" goes Skullie. We just stare. She's starting to look frustrated. "Click. _Clicky!_"

This is...awkward. Or strange. Yeah, it's definitely strange.

* * *

_"Do you not understand our tongue? Humans are not the all-knowing species they claim themselves to be..."_

_

* * *

_

"Clickclick." Skullie reaches behind her and pulls out a key.

More specifically, Aveil's key. She's naturally the first one to respond.

"Hey!" she cries, checking herself for her missing key. She pats all around her jacket, pants, and bag. Nothing. She narrows her eyes at Skullie. I'm hoping she won't take it as a challenge, since giant spiders do have the upper hand. "How did you get that?"

"Click."

"I don't know what you're saying," Aveil roars. "Give me my key!"

Skullie shakes her head: _No._

Aveil's shocked and out-of-this-world expression makes me want to crack up. I keep a straight face, since laughing at a time like this would draw unwanted attention.

"So you can understand me?" she says. "That's hardly fair."

"Clickityclick," Skullie says, waving the key around. "Click."

"What about it?" Aveil sneers. She takes a step forward. Red light, alarm, danger zone, bad move!

"Clicky." She waves the key around again.

Aveil nods very subtly. "Key."

Skullie turns around and points to the door, still waving the key. The door has a large, golden, almost show-offy lock.

"Okay," Aveil says slowly. "The key opens that door. So what?"

Skullie points to her. Or use. It's hard to tell exactly who.

"What about us?" Darmani whispers, still sitting on the stairs.

"Something about the key, that locked door, and us," Romani says.

Now Skullie's doing it in three fluid motions. Key, door, us. Key, door, us. Key, door, us...

Mikau gasps. "It wants us to unlock the door!"

"How can you tell?" Romani asks, swiveling her body around to face him.

He blinks a couple of times and gulps ever so quietly. "Um, it's kind of obvious." He points to where Skullie is. Romani rolls her eyes, mumbling, "_Obvious_," and looks at Skullie.

Who's banging on the door with the key.

"Oh," she says. "That's settled, then." We all know what comes next, even if nobody will say it.

Who gets to unlock the door?

"Well," Aveil says, "I found the key, so I guess I'll do it."

"Congratulations," Mikau says, quickly backing away.

"Yeah," Sheik says, grabbing Link and I and backing us away also. "Have fun with that." Pretty soon we're all standing right next to the top of the stairs. Aveil shifts from foot to foot nervously.

She says, "You know what? I changed my mind." She walks as fast as she can over to us. "I think we should vote on who does it."

* * *

"Zelda," I say immediately. It may sound to you like I'm trying to get her killed, but no. I don't like death. I'm just trying to scare her, is all. Life's no fun without a good scare, am I right?

"Ha," she says, rolling her eyes. "I think not."

"I think you should. You're the one who stole the food."

"And you're saying death would even out my karma?"

"Who said anything about death?"

"She's a fucking huge spider! And she wants us to walk right up to her!"

"So it really wants us to open the door, or it just su—wait, _her?_"

"Yeah. Her."

"But how do you know it's a her?"

"This is her nest, duh. And because girl spiders are like, insanely more evil than males. They bite their heads off once their eggs are laid."

"How do you _know_ this?"

"I saw it on TV once. Except it was a small, regular spide—"

A long string of thick web shoots past me out of nowhere and loops around Zelda's wrist. Congratulations, Zelda, on being our willingly selected volunteer.

Wait—NO!

* * *

OH HOLY HELL I'M GOING TO DIE!

"No," I scream hysterically, over and over again. "No no no no no no no _NO!_ Let go!" But no, I'm being pulled closer and closer to Skullie's butt. _Gross._

Oh shit, I'm going to have my blood and guts slowly sucked out of me! What happened to my desire to die peacefully in my sleep at the age of ninety-two? Come on now, what did I do to deserve this shit?

"Oh crap!" I hear Sheik cry behind me. "Zelda! Fuck! Someone grab her!" Aw, he doesn't hate me? That's so sweet. He was distracting me, however, so it's completely his fault that I'm being dragged to my death.

I turn around as much as I can only to shriek, "Are you just going to stand there, you useless child? HELP! WHY ARE YOU JUST STARING? _GAAAAAAAAHH!"_

Unlike Sheik, Link—bless his soul—actually jumps a little bit like he was distracted and starts to run towards me. I appreciate the effort, now if only someone more capable of destroying a giant bug would come to my rescue.

Hello, Darmani. This means you.

By the time Link catches up to me, I'm already at the hands—feet, legs; creepy, scratchy, spindly legs...—of Skullie. Her eyes bore into mine for one full second and Link crashes into me, knocking my face into Skullie's...chest? What's the body part below a spider's head called? Not the abdomen, but in between there and the head...

Anyways. He crashes into me and my head thwacks into her...chest. It feels weird calling it a chest. Whatever. Skullie clicks angrily and glares red laser eye beams at Link, who's about to come to his senses and run away like a little girl. Not that I'm against the idea of running away, but if he doesn't rescue me first, then he's a stupid useless excuse for a human being.

So Skullie takes this opportunity to stretch out one of her ridiculously long legs and snag Link around the waste, jerking him towards her. She spins us around and hurls us towards the door. I skin my knee in the process and tear a hole in my pants. Thanks a lot, Skullie.

Wait, why am I complaining again? I'm still not dead.

"Clickclickclick clicky." Skullie points to the door with three legs, as if we need the extra emphasis.

It looks like we're not on the menu for now. "All right, fine," I mumble, getting up. "Come on, Link. Stand." He does so, hesitantly, like a sudden movement will provoke Skullie into lunging at us. She does no such thing and he calms down a little bit.

"Why hasn't it eaten us yet?" he whispers, walking with me to the door.

"She wants the door open. So don't piss her off."

"Who's to say she won't eat us when we've opened it?" he says, smoothly transitioning from the use of "it" to "she."

"Touché." The key suddenly lands next to Link with a dull clang. There isn't a scratch anywhere on its jewel. That usually means its worth a _lot._ Or it's just some tough shiny rock. But if it's some insanely rare and priceless gem, I get fifty percent for doing Skullie's dirty work.

That reminds me. "Link, where's that thing I asked you to get for me?" I bend over to pick up the key; it weighs a freaking ton. How Aveil carried this everywhere without complaining, I'll have to ask her.

"I dropped it."

"You what? Why?"

"Because a Skulltula fell from the ceiling."

I rolled my eyes at that. Such a pathetic excuse, but what can you do? Skullie's massive body is blocking the hallway, dashing any hopes of escape. Too late to try and find my shiny thing.

Trembling ever so slightly, I lift the key up to the lock. Link automatically helps me. I hate that he assumes that I can't do it on my own, but at the same time I appreciate his help. Together we shove it in there real good (Still not an appropriate time to giggle.) and turn.

The lock, chain, and the key all disappear. Not even with a _poof._ They all just shrink and vanish, like some retarded magic trick.

I'm so sorry Aveil. I'll get you another key, I swear.

The larger-than-average door opens up by itself. It's pretty fast for an enormous slab of stone rubbing against stone walls. Inside is a dark, circular room with absolutely nothing in it except a few things lined up around the room. Balls? _This_ is what Skullie wanted? Access to an almost uselessly empty room?

I'm serious. From here I could see three balls, evenly spaced apart on a pile of leaves. Blue balls. I'm really not trying to be inappropriately funny. What the hell?

Lucky for me, I'll get to examine them up close since Skullie shoves Link and I into the room without so much as a warning click.

The door slams shut.

You know, I totally expected something to go wrong, so I don't even bother looking back at the door. A useless waste of energy.

"If things didn't already look bad enough," Link mumbles, picking himself up. He offers me a hand. Again with the assumptions, but still. I take his hand and we're both standing, surveying our surroundings. Or just glancing around the large-yet-small room. That's all I can say to describe it, honestly. It isn't that big, maybe the size of your average basement—and when I say basement, I mean the entire bottom floor. For those of you who have a den _and_ a laundry room that you refer to as the "basement," no. I'm talking both of those rooms. See, it's bigger, but not that much. Unless you're insanely wealthy. In that case, ignore me.

The ceiling, however, can't be seen. The walls just stretch upwards forever. Seemingly.

"Why are we in here again?" Link asks, staring at one of the balls.

"Balls!" I exclaim. I didn't actually intend to say it out loud, but whatever. Ignoring Link's, "Excuse me?" I jog over to one of the things.

Yup. It's a blue ball. With leaves. I poke it very slightly, remembering the stupid Baba. The ball doesn't move. It actually feels hard and cold. (Shut up.)

I poke it again. It still doesn't move. Poke. Poke. Poke, poke. Still nothing. I guess that means it's safe.

I pick it up. There's a subtle _snap._ Probably from the root or whatever was connecting it to the ground. The ball begins to smoke and glow red. If I've learned anything since my encounter with the Baba, it's that if a plant acts very un-plantlike then you should immediately get away from it. I toss the thing behind me without even looking.

From the sound of Link's cry of, "Shit!" I just threw something potentially dangerous at him.

And dangerous it is. The thing lands against the big door and goes out with a bang. Literally. Like a damn bomb.

As soon as the smoke clears, I see that the door is unmarked. Well. At least we know that we won't be getting out anytime soon.

"Sorry," I say sheepishly. He glares at me like I should have known better. "Don't look at me like that. Consider this payback."

"For the Baba? Are you still going on about that?" He rolls his eyes. "Let it go already."

"I think this makes us even, what do you say?"

"I say, don't touch any of those things again."

"Maybe if we got a whole bunch of them going at once, we could blast the door. One flower bomb didn't really do anything, but I'm be—"

_BAM!_

An extremely tall, colorful man lands on his feet in the middle of the room, directly between Link and I. We back away against the wall to make room for the guy, since his sword could probably slice my head off even though I'm a good twenty feet away.

If this guy isn't the most random person to walk the planet, then I seriously don't know anything anymore. I mean, just looking at him screamed, "WTF?" He looks like he's been painted so many times, I can't even tell which one is his skin color. Actually, I can't even tel if he's wearing any clothes. Well, he's obviously wearing underpants because his dick isn't flopping around.

How do I know it's a guy? Because he looks like one. I'm not into guessing games, so he's a boy. End of discussion.

He's at least nine feet tall, and wearing some freaky helmet-mask thing with rainbow feathers that completely hides his face. (I wonder which one is scarier?) The mask has two eye holes and a mouth, probably for letting him speak clearly. It's set in a scowl. Not very positive.

He's also carrying a colorful shield as colorful as himself. And the sword, this long, wicked blade that would be as tall as himself if stood upright. It has "death" written all over the damn thing, specifically "Zelda and Link's Death."

Oh, and he's wearing blue dangly earrings. It doesn't look good on him. Throws off the whole demented jungle-theme thing he's trying to pull off.

He swings the sword around and begins to chant: "Eegah foot! Eegah foot! Eegah foot!" His voice echoes in a seriously frightening way, nothing like an ordinary echo. Probably the mask, making his voice sound that way.

But what does it matter? He's saying something about his foot, for gods' sake.

"What's he saying?" Link calls to me, his eyes widening in panic at the freak of nature. (Ha, a pun and an insult all in one. _And _a rhyme! I so rock.)

"I think he has a rash on his foot," I call back. Maybe eegah is a foreign fatal foot rash that would claim his life sometime in the next ten seconds. Please?

* * *

The Skulltula hasn't taken its—her, whatever—eyes off us since it—ugh, _she—_shoved Link and Zelda through the door. It didn't even move when Aveil threw her fit about her key disappearing like that.

I really want to see what'll happen if one of us moves, but that could cost us our lives. Still, the temptation is too great. Someone has to move. And I guess it's going to be me.

I let out the breath I've been holding and take a step forward. Breaths hitch in, and someone squeaks. The Skulltula focuses on me but doesn't move.

I take another step forward.

The Skulltula points at me, then points to her mouth, clicking furiously.

Yeah, I get the message. I move backwards to where I was originally standing. Lulu mumbles, "Idiot."

If Zelda and Link get out of here without us, I'll annihilate this stupid bug. Or I'll haunt Zelda for the rest of her life.

Yeah, I like that one better.

* * *

"What do we do what do we do what do we do?" Link shrieks. We're running side by side from the stupid guy with the giant death sword. He's chasing us in a huge circle, but it's not like he's trying to kill us. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop and introduce myself, so the only other thing to do is keep running.

"Maybe he'll get tired if we keep running," I pant. I'm starting to get tired myself. This guy isn't even running, with those long legs of his. More like striding.

The three of us run around the room four more times before I grown with frustration. "I'm not spending the rest of my life doing this!" I shove Link to the left and I dive to the right, towards the wall. The Guy (His nickname, I guess.) immediately turns to his left and slashes his sword at Link, but he rolls to the side and dodges the sword, which strikes the stone floor with an annoyingly loud clang. Link runs to the other side of the room and Guy looks between us, as if unsure of who to skewer first. So he does what any man (Man? Thing?) would do in this situation: he starts to dance.

I mean, of all things.

He also has a new chant to go along with the dance. "Footi madari! Footi madari!" At his command, five enormous green bugs drop from the endless ceiling.

Not enormous like a Skulltula, but hey. They're bugs. Any size is too big. I can't even tell what they are, except that they have a lot of legs and they look hungry for human flesh.

"As if we weren't already fucked!" I scream. Three of the bugs scuttle towards Link while I get three of my very own hot on my tail. I don't have time for this crap, so I run over to Link while Guy continues his dumb little dance.

"Do me a favor?" I ask, standing next to him as we're backed into the wall while the bugs start to surround us.

"As long as it's easy," he says evenly.

"Take care of the bugs and I'll distract him." I motion towards Guy. He's still dancing. What an odd cookie.

"Gotcha." He pushes himself off the wall and lands on top of one of the bugs with both feet. One squeamish squeal and sickening crunch later, the bug's remains disappear. Just like the key and lock. What is it with disappearing around here?

"Keep doing that," I say, running towards Guy. He stops his dance and chanting to focus on me. As soon as I get near him, he raises his sword and prepares to slice me in half. I jump backwards, faking him out, and the sword hits the ground instead. He lifts to strike again, but this time I run right past him. _Clang!_ The sword meets the floor again.

Yeah. Eventually he'll catch on to my simple plan and I'll be dead.

"Hey, you freak!" I call. "Is that all you got? My grandma could take you down in two seconds flat with her bare hands!" Does he even know what I'm saying?

I don't think he does. He obviously doesn't like me yelling at him, because he starts to dance again, chanting, "Footi madari!" Oh shit, like we need more of those bugs? They're easy to take care of, from what little effort Link had to use to kill them, but still. "Footi madari! Footi m—"

"Shut up!" Link shouts, and throws something at Guy. A flower bomb! Yes! It smacks Guy full-on in the face and explodes. KABOOM, baby! I don't even waste any time to think. I race over to another bomb, pick it up, and hurl it at Guy, who's clutching his face in pain, his sword and shield laying on the ground. Forgotten. I don't even bother trying to go for it; probably way too heavy.

Link mirrors me and one by one, we pick every single flower bomb in the room and throw them one by one by one at Guy. He doesn't get any breaks in between, the explosions come one directly after the other. Seven bombs later and Guy slumps to the ground, unconscious. Then his sword and shield disappears, so I change my mind. He's dead.

At least I hope he is.

The big stone door opens, and now I'm _sure_ he's dead.

* * *

The Skulltula races into the room as soon as it opens, and we follow close behind. Figuratively, considering I don't really want to get close to the thing.

I go straight for Zelda, jumping and practically pouncing on her. She's family and I was worried about her, okay? She hugs me back and I'm surprised she doesn't fall over, considering I practically tackled her.

"Thanks for worrying," she says, but then rudely shoves me to the ground. "Next time, try to be more useful."

I mentally take my hug back. "You okay Link?" I ask, standing up and brushing dirt off my butt.

"Yeah," he says. "We took care of that guy." He jerks his thumb to an extremely colorful lump of...person. A very tall person that looks very dead.

"You what?" Romani says, looking at the guy with fascination and pity.

"He tried to kill us, so we completely destroyed him," Link says a bit smugly. He and Zelda high five, one high and one low. What a team.

"But what _is_ he?" Lulu asks, hiding behind Mikau. As if it would do her any good in a dangerous situation, to be honest. "He looks like a demented tiki pole thing—oh shit! _Eeeeeeeww!"_

Ah crap, what now?

We all turn to what Lulu's ewwing at, and I don't know what everyone else is looking at, but _I_ see hundreds, if not thousands, of tiny spiders scuttling through the doorway. It's not really eww-worthy. Baby spiders are actually kinda cute, to be honest. When you see them on TV, trying to leave their web and stuff. That's when they're cute.

But here, in real life, it's still not eww. It's fascinating. They look like a tiny army off to war.

They all head for the Skulltula, who's observing the rainbow guy with...greed. Hunger. Some negative, but satisfying, emotion. You can see it in the way her eyes are lit up.

Then she begins to eat. The rainbow guy. The babies swarm him too, crawling into his face mask, through the eye holes and the mouth and I'm betting his ears, too.

The girls and Mikau scream. Darmani, Link and I just look away, gagging.

It does nothing to drown out the crunching and slurping and sounds of obvious joy the spiders are expressing with their meal.

The big Skulltula suddenly looks up, as if remembering us. Her mouth is covered in bits of flesh and what looks like intestines. Okay, ew. She points to the middle of the room, near the body, and a large blue circle of light appears. Then she goes back to her meal, tearing out the guy's stomach. Or liver. I don't know and I don't want to know.

"So what now?" Zelda shouts. I don't know who she's talking to, but the Skulltula lifts a leg and points to the light again, not even glancing at us.

The light. What? It's the exit?

"Get me out of here!" Lulu cries, and she zooms towards the light. I chase after her, in case the light disappears. I'm not missing my possibly only chance at freedom. Soon we're all standing in the light, and nothing is happening. Except the sounds of enjoyment the Skulltula makes when she succeeds in tearing out another organ.

But then we all begin to float off the ground, the blue light shining brighter and brighter. The beams coming from the ground turn into a solid-looking pillar of pure light, and it's too bright to see anything.

Please tell me we didn't just walk directly into our deaths.

* * *

**A/N:** Totally obvious _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ quote.

Some things: Yes, I know it's actually called a bomb flower. Zelda doesn't. And I don't know exactly how many bombs are in the room. Didn't feel like counting. Sorry if the Odolwa fight was too short/non-detailed. Most people can beat him like, within a minute, and I didn't feel the need to drag out the battle like I dragged out the temple exploration.

That's that, I guess. I won't even be able to touch a computer until the fourth of July. So, I'll probably spend that week writing the next chapter and I'll update the following weekend, if I have time.

Enjoy the summer, merry future Fourth of July, and embrace your inner laziness while I spend the rest of the week fighting off headaches and cursing the unbearably annoying heat, during which tiny insignificant bugs will swarm around my sweat-soaked face.

Read: Camping. I _hate_ camping. But I'll be with my amazing relatives, so it won't be a total hellhole. Plus I'll be spending the following week living it up at their large comfortable houses. Oh yeah.

Thanks again for the reviews, people. I'll see ya later.


	11. The Issue with Beds

**A/N:** Did I mention that I'm going on another trip starting tomorrow? And that it'll last around three weeks? No? Well, surprise! As such, I didn't feel like advancing the plot much (if there is any), since I won't be writing for almost a month after this. So nothing really important happens here, in case you don't want to bother reading.

Just FYI, I'll be posting info on my LJ about this story . . . sometimes. If for some reason I can't update or whatever, it will say so on my LJ, as well as my pathetic excuse as to why. iscrooked dot livejournal dot com.

Okay now. Somewhat ridiculously short and pointless chapter time!

**Note:** I don't know exactly how many beds there are in the guest room at the Stock Pot Inn. I don't care either. It doesn't matter much.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: The Issue with Beds  
**

After we got over the brightness of the light and the tingling of somehow being transported out of the temple, we ended up in a small room with a tunnel that obviously led to the outside world. I was the first to begin kissing the ground when we made it out. After being stuck in that dank, dark place I was ecstatic to finally be free. Free!

The excitement didn't last long. We had to take more rickety bridges to get to the woods, where we proceeded to hike, hike, hike until we made it out. There were no bathroom breaks. There were no snack breaks. There were no picture breaks. There was no touching of any exotic plants. We were tired, yes, but we wanted to be _completely_ out. So we didn't stop until ended up back in southern Termina Field, where we've been for quite a while.

"Now what?" Lulu pants. We parked ourselves right outside the entrance to Southern Clock Town for some reason. I mean, hello, civilization is just through that gate! I open my mouth to say that we should find ourselves a nice hotel so we can pass out, but Sheik interrupts me. On purpose, I bet.

"I say we stay at the Stock Pot Inn until tomorrow," he announces dramatically. I have no idea how he learned to steal ideas from other people's heads, but . . . "I'm beat, and I don't feel like walking all the way to the ranch."

"We don't have money," Aveil says from the ground. She's using one of the bags as a pillow, but it still doesn't look comfortable.

Mikau clears his throat. "I do . . . " he mumbles. I don't know what it is with him, but his come-and-go nervousness is starting to get under my skin. Has he always been like this? He reaches into his pocket and takes out a bunch of purple and red rupees.

"What!" Lulu cries. "I didn't know you had money. You didn't steal it from me, did you? I'll know if you lie."

He shakes his head, making his hair swish this way and that. He has nice hair. "I've been doing odd-jobs every now and then." He cracks a smile. "Mostly for the rich people that are always passing through town. I swear, they give away rupees like candy."

Well that settles it. To the whatever-its-name-is hotel we go!

* * *

Since it isn't busy, Anju is able to get us two rooms without a reservation. It costs five rupees per person, so Mikau has more than enough left over. I'll have to remember that.

Naturally we split up, boys and girls, and head for our rooms after making sure we have the correct bags.

It's pretty small in here. Only enough for two single beds with green blankets, a small table with a lamp, and a few feet of free space. Our bags immediately occupy all of the free space, so it's hard to walk around.

"Call the bed!" we all shout . . . at the same time. Damn. You know what that means. Yes, yes, now we have to wrestle for the beds. We all telepathically agree to the challenge, and it begins! I, being the fastest of them, dive for the nearest bed first. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think I'll last long. I'm too thin and fragile. All it would take is one swipe from Darmani and I would be wiped from existence.

Darmani jumps after me as Link and Mikau scramble for the other bed. Time slows and the universe shines its spotlight on Darmani and I. I swear, he gets bigger as his enormous body slowly succumbs to gravity and advances to crushes me like a bug. I close my eyes, grip the sheets, and pray that I won't break too many bones.

* * *

Deciding on who gets the beds isn't as easy as I'd like it to be. Aveil automatically gets the first one because I made her precious key disappear. Fair enough. Then we hit a roadblock when the second bed sparks an argument between Lulu and Romani.

"Of course I deserve it more than you," Romani shouts. "You were being an annoying brat in the temple, why should I let you take it?"

Hello, do I exist over here or what?

"I—? _I_ was being an annoying brat?" Lulu's eyebrows shoot up and she looks thoroughly shocked. Acting, or real? "That's a funny joke. If I remember correctly, _you_—" she jabs a finger at Romani accusingly "—were the one that broke the ladder and trapped us in that hole. We could've gotten eaten by that bug and guess who's fault it would have been? Hmm, let me think about that one . . ."

"You can't be serious!" Romani cries. Her eyes are blazing and she looks ready to tear someone apart. "You're bringing up something that didn't even happen? We got out! We're all healthy and fine and definitely _not_ dead. Get over yourself and sleep on the floor."

"No. Quit being a selfish bitch."

"Hey!" I try to interrupt. "Hey, remember, we're all friends here. Right? Can't we come to an agreement quietly?"

"A selfish _what?_" Romani continues, ignoring me.

"You heard me."

"Take that back."

"Hey, I'm just telling it like it is."

"I don't think so. Besides, I'm older than you and I'm using my seniority to dump your ass on the floor, where it belongs."

"Over your dead body!"

"If you like the way your face looks, I suggest yo—"

"Both of you shut up!" I finally shout. It was entertaining at first, but now I can feel a headache coming on. This needs to be settled immediately or nobody's going to be getting sleep anytime soon. "For God's sake, it's a bed. A _bed!_ Quit acting like you haven't slept on the floor before. Since there's obviously no way you two are going to work this out, _I'll_ be taking the bed. So shut up and get over it."

During all this, Aveil is sitting up on her bed, watching the argument fly back and forth. I can see that she's mildly amused. "You tell 'em, Zel," she says with a wink and a thumbs-up.

Romani and Lulu are looking at me, shocked that I would dare to interrupt their verbal war. They look at each other, then back at me. Each other, me, then the bed.

So I don't want to sleep on the floor either. Excuse me for being human!

Lulu is the first to make a move; she shoves Romani against the wall and dashes for the bed. I stick my foot out and she stumbles onto Aveil, who lets out a shriek of annoyance and pushes Lulu away. Romani moves away from the wall and grabs Lulu by her hair, and I take the opportunity to jump on the bed. Romani shimmies around Lulu and tackles me mid-air, so we both tumble to the ground. Lulu gets over her hair being yanked and tries to jump over us, but I snatch her ankle quickly and pull her down towards us. Aveil watches on, pleased at already having claimed her bed.

The fight goes on.

* * *

Darmani ends up with the bed. I end up with a bruised ribcage and a left hand that no longer functions.

Somehow Mikau wins the bed from Link, and he whoops triumphantly. "Sorry," he quickly says, then proceeds to make himself comfortable.

Now Link and I are stuck on the floor. He's sleeping near Mikau while I'm sleeping on the same spot Darmani launched me from the bed.

"Goodnight fatty."

"Goodnight weakling."

"Goodnight princess."

"Goodnight Goldilocks."

I'll let you guess who said what to whom.

* * *

I pounce on the bed while Romani and Lulu collapse on the floor, out of breath. "Oh yeah!" I crow and roll around the bed. "Mmm, that's _right_, girls; I, Zelda, do hereby declare myself to be better than _you._ Suck it, losers!"

Aveil throws her head back and laughs like it was really that funny. Romani and Lulu just pant, "Wha . . . whatev . . . er . . ."

Now I can finally relax and snuggle into _my_ warm prize. It feels good being a winner.

Romani gets up first somewhat and crawls towards her sleeping bag. Lulu stays where she is, and I ask her if she plans on moving. "Maybe later," she says quietly. Romani just curls up into her sleeping bag and shuts her eyes without a word.

"I guess there won't be any late-night girl chat," Aveil says, disappointed. She turns out the light. "Sleep tight, ladies."

"Fuck you," Lulu mumbles.

* * *

**A/N:** I warned you about this chapter's shortness, and I apologize if you're not amused. I promise I'll work harder (and _not _procrastinate) when I return. After I get over the jet lag, that is. ffnet isn't going to be one of my highest priorities for a while. But hey! That's why there are thousands of other stories lying about around here.

If I manage to get my hands on my dad's laptop, I'll be posting to my LJ about my trip and any ideas for this story that strike me when I least expect it. Visit and read if you wish.

. . . God, I'm going to be on an airplane for twenty hours. Next to my brother the entire time. It's going to _suck._ Plus I have to take pills once a day the entire trip and two weeks more once I get back and I freaking hate pills. Fear of choking and all that. _And_ I'm a picky eater, to top it all off. This trip had better damn well be worth it.

And anybody who goes to see _Salt,_ let me know how it is, yeah? Just a #/10 in your opinion. I wanted to see it on its opening night, but tough luck for me.


	12. BOTD

**A/N:** Of course I haven't been procrastinating. It was the goddamn jet lag; every time I tried to sit down and concentrate, I just wanted to throw up and take a nap on the floor. I couldn't get back on my normal sleep schedule or eat a decent meal no matter how hard I tried. I took a chance with sleeping pills, and I paid the lovely price for that when I woke up less than five hours later feeling obnoxiously sleep-deprived. Stupid cheap pills.

...Okay. I'm done whining about it. And I was totally procrastinating. But if I busy myself with writing, then that means I don't have to do my summer homework. (Shit. Totally forgot about that...) Everyone wins!**  
**

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: BOTD**

When I wake up, there are a few things I immediately take notice of. The first is that I must be an extremely heavy sleeper because Lulu managed to slither into my bed after I fell asleep; second, she was apparently playing _Tetris_ on her cell phone before she conked out; and third, we all slept in. It's past one.

What time did we even go to bed?

I move my foot onto Lulu's stomach and give her a good shove. She hits the ground rather loudly for someone her size and doesn't yelp until a good two seconds after the impact.

"Why?" she whines, clawing at the crust on the corners of her eyes. I hear Romani shuffle around in her sleeping bag, but she doesn't wake up.

I snuggle back into the surprisingly luxurious blankets for such a cheap inn. "Just putting your cheating butt back where you were supposed to have slept."

She glares at me and I only smile victoriously before the glaring gets old and I close my eyes. Everything at this moment feels so perfect... I feel deeply relaxed after that wonderful night's rest; the bed is so warm and comfortable that I'd really rather stay another night here; the window is facing somewhere other than east because the morning sun isn't glaring full-force at me. And the peace...the relaxing silence... It reminds me of Cremia and her constant nighttime din. It's nice to know that I won't have to wake up to that for quite a while.

An ungodly sound spews from the other side of the room. I jump and quickly cover my ears. Aveil actually jumps so high that she falls out of bed, but delicately, because that's just how she is.

"What _is_ that?" I have to shout to get over the noise. The only person in the room who isn't trying to ignore the noise is Romani, who wriggles out of her sleeping bag almost lazily. She crawls over to her bag and pulls out her cell phone. A few clicks here and there is all it takes and the noise ceases. My headache does not.

"An alarm? Really, now?" Aveil grumbles. She's still lying on the floor, but her pillow fell with her so it can't be too uncomfortable. "Who sets an alarm for..." she trails off, not knowing the time.

Lulu looks at her cell phone for half a second and says, "One fifteen on the dot."

Romani shoves her phone back into the bag's pocket and starts rolling up her sleeping bag. "We need to check out of here by two, or else we'll have to pay for another night."

I sigh and crawl deeper into the blankets, really not ready to get up yet. I feel too perfect to leave now, and there's still a whole thirty minutes left. Why do we _all_ need to get up?

"Come on, you lazies. We need to get moving. _All_ of us." Nobody makes a sound when she pauses. "Will I have to beat you with your own bags?" I start to snore loudly. "You have ten seconds to decide."

We all groan and I hear someone—Aveil, Lulu, they're both on the floor so I can't tell—get up, but I don't. So what if we have to pay for another night at two o'clock? Bring it on.

"Hurry up, Zelda," Aveil says. She pokes me in the ribs and I giggle. Crap. She keeps poking and prodding my stupid weak sides. She can easily tell from how loud my giggles are that I can't win. Resistance is futile and all that.

I eventually give in and throw the covers to the side. "Fine! Look, I'm up. You've ruined my morning bliss. Happy?"

She smiles and pokes me in the stomach, then flounces away to gather her stuff.

My perfectly perfect morning, and she had to go and ruin it. Stupid Aveil. Stupid Romani. Stupid alarm. I stomp over to grab my bag so that I can leave; I changed last night so it's perfectly safe to wear them for another day. Besides, I'm starving. Heaven knows I could use some breakfast right now to calm me down, or I might hit somebody I care about.

"Thanks for volunteering to wake up the boys, Zel." Romani doesn't even look at me, she just keeps pointlessly moving her bags around.

"Not likely," I say. I throw the door open and stomp, stomp, stomp down the hallway.

I pass by the boys' door and slow down a bit. On second thought, it would be the perfect opportunity to let out my righteous fury. If I can't have a lazy morning, then they can't either. It's only fair.

I fly at their door and pound on it with my fists, other guests be damned. "Hey! It's time to get up!" I stop my attack only for a few seconds to listen. ...Nothing but the occasional snore. I gladly continue. "I said get up—don't make me come in there!" An obviously empty threat. Everybody knows that boys like to sleep in only their underwear. Or sometimes in nothing at all. Wait, wait, oh hell no, Sheik's in there—ugh, goddamn mental images..._go away!_

"Shut up," a voice slurs from the room.

"We only have like, twenty minutes. You'll probably take fifteen just to get up," I shout through the door. If I lie, then maybe they'll actually care enough to wake up. "If I don't hear progress in the next four seconds, I'm going to...to...well, uh. Just get up!" I give the door a final kick and glare at it for good measure.

Who am I kidding? They won't get up. I don't really care all that much, it's not my money that will be sapped if they don't move it. At least I got to take out my anger on their door. Now I just feel really, really hungry. I think the kitchen is still serving breakfast...and hey, Mikau's paying. That'll show him not to ignore my wake-up call.

* * *

Mmm... sleep. There really isn't anything like a good night's snooze. It's healthy, it's natural, it's comfortable, and there's even nighttime entertainment _in your head_ to boot. Choosing what you are entertained by is a different matter entirely, but how awesome would that be?

When I open my eyes slowly, because I feel like I need more sleep and the annoying crust in the corners of my eyes, it's not because I woke up naturally. No, it's freakin' Zelda, pounding on our door at, what? Seven in the morning? I don't have a watch and the curtains are closed, so an educated guess is in order. It's seven in the morning. And my crazy cousin is trying to break the door down, demanding that we get up or she'll come in. Right.

"Shut up," I call. My voice is rough like I'm fighting a cold, which is how I feel right about now. Being able to sleep in for once on this stupid tour-trip-thing isn't too much to ask.

Zelda screeches some more, we have twenty minutes, progress in four seconds, blah blah blah. Then she's gone and I can finally drift off to my Happy Place. I think it goes without saying that we deserve just _one_ lazy morning.

Really. Who could it hurt?

* * *

"Mikau," I say. I don't bother to hide the smugness in my voice. He wants to sleep in so badly, well, that's just what I'm going to let him do.

"Just so you know," Lulu shoves a huge wad of ham into her mouth, ladylike manners out the window, "I grant you my permission to spend—" She burps and some spittle lands on Aveil's hash browns. "—my brother's money how you see fit." As if to make up for her questionable eating habits, she picks up her napkin and daintily dabs at the corners of her mouth.

I beam. "I'm glad to hear that." Aveil moves her hash browns onto Lulu's plate. "Seeing as I have your 'permission,' I say another round of milkshakes are in order. Anjuuuu!"

Soon Anju pokes her head around the corner of the kitchen. Guests don't normally eat breakfast at the Stock Pot Inn because the kitchen, at a glance, looks like a small and uncomfortable place to eat. Not to mention filthy, what with the large beetles scurrying all over the floor. We were too hooked on the idea of a free breakfast to care too much, and it was just as well. Anju is a marvelous cook.

"Yes?" she asks a bit distractedly. She sneaks glances behind her every few seconds while we watch her for a bit. A guest must be trying to check in.

"Is it okay if I get more milkshakes for us? It's really delicious," I add. Whoever says flattery will get you nowhere is an idiot. It's all in how thickly you lay it on.

"Oh, thank you, dear. Yes, yes, please help yourselves." She waves her hand vaguely to the fridge and disappears from view, muttering something about false reservations.

"How much will all this cost?" Romani asks. She kind of glares at her empty plate, as if blaming it for the disappearance of her food.

"Who cares?" Aveil says. I'm already filling all of our glasses. "It's _free_."

For the first time since I got here, I feel like we _can_ all get along (at the same time) and be really good friends. We clink our glasses together and share a giggle.

* * *

_A mythical sword clinking against armor... Seven mysterious beings with power over each temple... A man shrouded in darkness... The _Triforce_..._

_Link!_

What? Who's there?_  
_

—_deliver the final blow!_

_Link!_

_Six Sages... Now!_

_CURSE YOU_—

_Link!_

I... I know I'm still dreaming, but I feel awake at the same time... why can't I wake up? Shouldn't I have a say in this?

_A lost friend... The feeling of impending doom... Four monsters usurping the power of the Giants... and the_—

_And the masks the masks oh THE MASKS_—

_MAJORA_—

_Majora the Moon the children give me the masks so the masks GIVE ME SOME!_

What the hell is this? Hypnosis?

_See Majora's Mask as it glides around the Moon See Majora's Incarnation as it tears around the Moon See Majora's Wrath as every shred of darkness is poured into its Final Form  
_

Oh gross, what _is _that thing? Looks like that rainbow douche back in Woodfall Temple..._  
_

_But then Termina isn't doomed after all, is it? All because of that boy_—

—_that Kokiri_

—_that Hylian_

—_that stranger  
_

of _Time_

of _Winds_

of _Light_

—_All because of that Hero_

_Link!_

Link!

"Link!"

"Sheik?"

I yelp a little bit, just a little, and my body practically flings itself off the bed. I'm covered in sweat and it's _way_ too hot in this room. Link is standing next to my bed already dressed, his hands in his pockets, looking concerned.

"Were you having a nightmare?" His eyes are saying "I care about my friend" while his tone says "are you actually afraid of something that isn't real?"

"Maybe," I say a little shakily. Now that someone has graciously opened the window, I can see how bright it is outside. I have no idea how long I've been asleep, since I didn't even know what time it was when Zelda woke me up. "Time?"

"Almost two," he says immediately. "Darmani went to the bathroom and found the girls gorging themselves in the kitchen." He makes a face. "Apparently we need to be out of here by two or we pay for another day. So get up." He goes back to his normal sunny smile. It irritates me a little bit. Nobody should look so happy when _other_ people are sweaty and only slightly humiliated. I look around the room and see that we're alone. I hate Mikau and Darmani for abandoning me. They're probably stuffing themselves with delicious food... On the other hand, I'm glad they're not here to witness this.

"So," he says.

"So. I'm gonna change." I hop out of bed. The layer of sweat makes me feel cold.

"You wanna hear something funny?" Link takes a seat on my bed. I hope his butt gets all sweaty and gross. I ignore him and reach for my bag.

"It's the kookiest thing, really." Ignore. "I could have sworn that while you were struggling with that imaginary horror of yours—" I'm not liking this. Ignore, ignore. "—you said—" Dear God, _ignore._ "—my name."

I let his statement (read: accusation) hang in the air for a bit. "No," I finally say.

"More than once."

"Nope."

"So I want to know."

"I said no."

"Was I stabbing you? Slicing your head off? Did I steal your three-legged wife?"

"I don't think so."

"Are you blushing?"

"Refer to my last answer."

"So, what? You're denying the whole thing?"

I don't say anything.

"I was listening pretty much the entire time." I can _feel_ him folding his arms. It would be the perfect moment for him to do so, if he didn't.

I shake my head. He just sighs. Thank you Lord for guilt!

"Benefit of the doubt?"

"Please."

"Just this one time."

He leaves the room, saying something about the kitchen. I don't really care. As soon as he disappears from view, I leap up and slam the door shut. I need to think.

* * *

**A/N:** No, Sheik's dream won't be turned into an actual plot. Unless I can think of something really, really good. I just wanted to throw it in there.

I've been bitching on my LJ about this story, and I don't feel like repeating myself. But I'll summarize a bit anyways: I'm going to try planning chapters instead of sitting down and typing whatever the hell comes to mind. If it works out, great, I'll keep to it. If not, I'll throw a fit and go back to the original random writing plan.

Now that I've finally posted this, I can stop feeling guilty about not posting it. Thank God.


	13. Talk Like Me

**A/N:** Homework. Illness. Insomnia. Kick-ass animals on _Animal Planet_. Procrastination. Distractions. —And _that_ is my short essay on why this chapter is ridiculously late. (I mean, I typed this in 6+ hours, which I _could have done in freaking August_.)

General moodiness aside, I apologize for not writing this sooner. I need to make a writing schedule or something.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: Talk Like Me****  
**

I sigh sadly when Clock Town is out of my view. Mostly because it was my first time staying in an inn and it was really nice and cozy inside; it reminds me of staying with my grandparents.

I'm not entirely sad, however. Because...we're going to the beach! We had originally planned to go to Snowhead next, but we (meaning the girls and Mikau) voted to go to the Great Bay first. Why not? It's closer, nicer, and I've always had this secret wish to be buried in the sand. Sheik didn't vote. He's all quiet for some reason. I should be concerned, but I'll worry about that if it becomes a bigger issue.

We don't have swimsuits because we didn't do a very good job at packing, so we have to swim in our underwear. Correction: the _boys_ are going to swim in their underwear, and we're going to borrow some of their clothes to swim in. I don't even know if I'm going to swim, I just want to be buried in the sand. I'm so excited that my body vibrates whenever I think about it.

One quiet but long walk later, we're at the Great Bay! I didn't even get a chance to actually _look_ at the beach and ocean because I was too preoccupied dragging my luggage to Romani's house. Now that I get the chance to take everything in, it looks...ordinary. Blue-ish water, freakishly hot sand, the sun that's threatening us with permanent burns, and some trash here and there. Normal. Everyday. _Ordinary._

Good enough.

"Sand!" I cry gleefully. "Someone bury me in the sand!" While they're putting the stuff down and spreading out the enormous towel we just bought (guess who paid for it?), I run around our area, looking for a suitable spot to be mine.

No, too much trash. I move closer to the water.

Oops, too close. Don't want to drown.

I walk backwards and go left. There's a big, splattered thing the size of my head spread out next to my feet. A jellyfish. That will probably sting my face if I stand too close to it. I sidestep it only slightly in disgust and soon I end up behind our spot.

This looks nice, but I don't want to be behind everybody. I head for the right side of the towel and slide my foot over the sand until I come to a stop, just ten feet or so away from the towel.

Perfect.

I start to get really excited again.

"Hey! Hello, I'm over here!" I wave my hands around and point to the sand at my feet. I'm not leaving my Perfect Spot until I get one of them over here—I'm _not_ about to forget where my Perfect Spot is. "I need assistance."

It's Sheik that finally walks over to my Perfect Spot—slowly, with his head hanging low and his shoulders slumped. Please, I think, don't be a party pooper. Get over your dilemma and have fun, for crying out loud!

"What is it you're whining about?" he asks in a monotone.

I cut the crap. "Are you depressed?" I ask, poking him.

"No." He doesn't slap my hand away.

"Are you sure?" Poke.

"Yes."

Poke.

"I said I'm sure."

Poke, poke.

"Please stop that."

"Not until you stop crying."

"I'm not crying."

"Yes you are." I poke him harder.

"Stop it," he says, finally getting irritated. It's a slow start, but better late than never.

"Tell me," I say. Now my pokes turn into jabs. Maybe even painful jabs.

"Stop it, Zel!" he hisses, grabbing my hand and squeezing. My fingers make little cracking sounds. It doesn't hurt, but I'm trying to make Sheik get over his sad spell, so I pretend to be in pain.

"Ow," I whine. "Oww, okay, okay, I get it, ow! You can stop now." He lets go of my hand and goes right back to slumping his shoulders and hanging his head low. I grit my teeth in frustration when I really shouldn't be worrying about his problems.

Wait.

This totally reminds me of that one song, with your ears hanging low and wobbling and throwing them over your shoulder and junk. I know it's about ears, but still, they're hanging low, like his head. It might piss him off even more, but maybe I can get him to dance or sing along. Even if he doesn't, I at least get to improvise a fun song.

I only have to think about it for a second before I can think of a suitable change of the lyrics. Here we go.

"_Does your head hang low?_"

His eyes flick over to meet mine.

"_Is it swaying to and fro?_"

He somehow gives me a look without moving his face.

"_Can you nod it to say yes?_"

He's trying not to smile. It's happening! I'm succeeding!

"_Can you shake it to say no?_"

Slowly but surely, victory will be mine.

"_Can you look me in the eye and make a promise not to cry?_"

I see someone coming towards us, behind Sheik—it's Link. Great! Sheik's best friend. If anybody could help me sing away Sheik's annoying mood, it's Link. This'll be cake.

"_Does your HEAD_—_HANG_—_LOW?_"

Yes, I felt the need to belt out the last line.

"What'cha guys doin'?" Link asks, shoving his hands in the pockets of his shorts. Wow. He's not wearing a shirt. And he's wet. I didn't even notice that everyone else is in the water. Sheik stiffens at Link's presence, but I hardly pay attention to that since my attention is momentarily distracted.

That's something I feel like I need to mention. I hear it all the time—somehow, attractive people are more attractive when sweaty or wet. I've never really understood that. It's liquid. It makes people look shiny, yes, but that's it. How does that make someone look _good_? Their hair, maybe. Everything else is the same as before the person got wet.

I guess lots of people just have a shiny person fetish...?

Anyhoo.

"This person," I grab Sheik's arm, "is being a big poop. He won't tell me why so I had to sing to him to make everything all better."

Link narrows his eyes at Sheik through his sunglasses that don't look like they're blocking much sunlight, and Sheik is now glaring full force at me. He pulls me closer to him and stage whispers, "_Zelda_, Ink-lay is art-pay of the oblem-pray."

Ooh. Did they get in a fight? Link looks totally confused, like maybe he said something that Sheik took the wrong way and he doesn't even know it. It's kind of pointless to get pissy over something someone didn't mean to do, especially when they don't realize it.

"What did you do?" I ask Link accusingly.

He looks back and forth between us. "I don't know; nothing! Well, I don't remember...if I did anything—what did he even say?"

"You don't know? He said that you're par—"

Sheik growls at me.

"What? If Link is what's both—"

"Alk-tay ike-lay me!"

"_Why?"_ I hiss in frustration, 'cause damn is this annoying. Why the heck is he using Pig Latin? I mean, sometimes we'd use it when we talked on the phone in the past, but it was just for fun. We couldn't get a decent conversation in because we'd start cracking up when we swore at each other. Sheik quickly looks at Link and shakes his head.

I guess Pig Latin isn't really well known in Termina. I'll remember that if I ever run into someone who pisses me off.

"What, you don't wa—I mean, you don't ant-way im-hay to ow-knay?"

He nods.

"Ow-knay at-whay?"

"Tell you later."

Sheik suddenly speaking normally shocks me a bit. He slowly drifts away from us, back towards the towel, not looking back. I'm pretty sure he won't be swimming anytime soon.

Meanwhile, Link doesn't even pretend to keep his cool. He immediately latches onto my arm and his questions all rush out. "Is he mad at me? Is that why you two were talking gibberish? What's the deal? I'm sorry if I did anything to upset him, but I don't even remember! The last time I saw him all normal was when he was having a dream about me or something and he got all embarrassed about it so I just left the room so he could get dressed and I kinda wanted breakfast and then we voted on going to the beach before or after Snowhead and then suddenly he's all grumpy! Why?"

Mmm. Spazzy. Cute, but his grip is hurting me a bit.

"I guess that's it," I say, gently removing his hand from my arm. "That dream thing. Nobody likes being embarrassed, but if that's it, then he'll get over it soon. I'll give him an hour. If he's still a grump, then it's probably something else." With Link a safe three feet away, I jump up and down gleefully on my Perfect Spot. "Now be a dear and dig a wide hole for me. Right here."

* * *

I've never _really_ been humiliated before. The only incident I can think of was when I had to do that stupid dance for Zelda, and some years ago, I slipped on some cow shit back on the ranch. That's it.

So...I'm waiting it out. Waiting for Link to forget, and hey, if I forget it too, that'd be a great bonus.

I'm the only one not doing anything. Darmani is calmly floating on his back. The girls are trying to climb to the top of his stomach, fighting each other every time they get a grip on him. Mikau is sitting in the sand near the water, hands thrust into the sand in search of sand crabs. Link is hunched over, digging a hole for some reason. Zelda is standing next to him, bouncing up and down like there's buried treasure in that spot.

And then there's me. Sitting on a large towel, doodling in the sand with my finger. I'm drawing myself fighting a large monster that looks like a cross between a dragon and a centipede. About half an hour later, I have around a fourth of his life down, but my life is going down quite rapidly. The only weapon I have is a sword and the power to shoot fireballs. I don't think I can win this...

Then someone with obnoxiously large brown metal-looking shoes feels the need to step directly on top of my life-or-death battle of the century. I look up in annoyance at the rude stranger, and I have to say that he's the strangest man I've ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on.

Not that he looks ugly or anything—in fact, he is quite attractive (and you'll never hear me say that out loud)...in a way. I'd say his only flaw is that his nose is too long. He's pretty tall, maybe taller than Darmani. Wearing tight black jeans torn in several places and decorated with various pieces of metal, cloth, and spikes, he could actually kill someone if he kneed them in the stomach. He's wearing a tight black T-shirt and a light brown vest with a white cloth wrapped around each forearm. He's also wearing a collar-thing that looks like shoulder pads. His fiery red hair is short and leans back a little bit like the wind is blowing on him really hard, and the ends of his eyebrows connect with his hairline. His skin color is an odd mix of green, gray, and brown. His eyes are solid gold (no, not literally) and they're _looking_ at me. No, not the guy; the eyes. Like they have minds of their own.

Also, he's quite muscular. Very swoon-inducing. I'm not fazed, though, because he destroyed my cool battle. And because Darmani could kill him with one flick to the chest.

"Hi," I say, forcing myself to be polite, though I don't even look up. "Thanks for ruining my picture."

He looks down at where he's standing and lifts a foot. "Oh, um. I apologize. I didn't even see it." His eyes find mind and he puts his foot right back down with too much force, and I learn my very first fact about him: he's a pretty good liar. His eyes are practically mocking me. Then he must realize what he's doing because his gaze becomes friendly and happy and smiles and rainbows and shit. I look away.

If I hadn't seen that cold look just a few seconds ago, I would believe it if this guy wanted to be best friends forever.

"I was just wondering if you could help me," he says, still standing on my picture, which is probably ruined by now from the way he's shifting from foot to foot. "I'm looking for an old friend of mine, and I heard that she might have come to Termina. Sometime around last week or so? Anyone new pop in?"

I decide not to trust a word this guy says. It's too hard to tell if he's being honest or manipulative. "No, not that I know of. Maybe you could describe her." My finger swirls around the sand next to his left foot, and he doesn't even glance at it.

"Well, I haven't seen her in quite a while. Blond hair, blue eyes, comes up to about here—" His hand hovers around his lower chest. "—and come to think of it, she looks kind of like you. Minus the eyes, of course."

This doesn't sound good.

"I haven't seen anyone like that around recently," I say truthfully. Tall and Muscular here is blocking my view, but I'm hoping Zelda is halfway to the center of the planet by now.

"Perhaps not. Her name is Zelda."

Shit.

"Does that name ring a bell?"

Shit, shit, shit. I don't like this.

"No, I'm sorry. Nice name, though."

He makes a humming sound. "Yes. It is." He looks around the beach, scanning the area quickly and efficiently. His eyes don't stay in one spot for more than half a second and soon he's looking back at me. "Thank you for your time. I'm sorry to have bothered you." He turns—grinding his heel in the sand—and walks away. I don't say anything.

Until I notice that he's walking towards Link. His butt is in the air and he's pushing sand into the large hole he dug. I can see the tip of Zelda's head from here.

_Shit._

"ANGER-DAY!" I shout as loud as I possibly can. "ELDA-ZAY, ANGER-DAY! ANGER-DAY!"

The guy pays me no attention. He just keeps walking.

* * *

**A/N:** It's like a sloppy mesh of OoT and MM. I'm sorry, but my super obvious plans for Ganondorf just wouldn't work with Majora, which sucks because Majora _owns_ Termina. I think Majora actually came closer to his goal than Ganondorf ever has.

I also apologize for any spelling/grammatical errors or if I mixed up tenses somewhere. I caught myself typing whole paragraphs in past tense before I furiously went back and changed them.

(I admit it. The only reason I know _Do Your Ears Hang Low_ is because of Barney. It's still an awesome song.)

Edit: TOTALLY UPLOADED CHAPTER NINE BY ACCIDENT. I know, I suck, I'm sorry. I changed it. Hopefully nobody noticed, in which case this message does not exist.


	14. Don't Cry, Aryll

**A/N:** I drop off the face of the earth just as Ganondorf makes his appearance. Real nice.

Explanation on my LJ. If you don't read it, that's fine. We're just gonna move along and pretend that this chapter was posted right on time.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Don't Cry, Aryll**

I hear Sheik shouting something about danger, though I can't think of anything that could possibly be dangerous in a hole in the ground. Well, I could be buried alive, but the hole isn't _that_ deep.

"ED-RAY AIR-HAY!"

Red hair. Hmm. It can't be Romani or Cremia... Who else do I know with red hair?

"OLD-GAY EYES-WAY! OLD-GAY, OLD-GAY!"

"Is Sheik saying he's gay?" Link stage whispers. I ignore him, because I'm starting to feel a bit freaked out. Red hair plus gold eyes equals...well, I know what it equals, but it can't be right. There's no possible way he could have randomly washed up on Termina.

"I need you to do me a favor," I whisper quickly. I snatch Link's sunglasses and shove them onto my face, then I grab some sand and rub it into my hair. I don't know if it'll distort the color, but better safe than sorry. "Listen to what I say and play along. Are you good at improv?"

"What's that?"

"Acting on the spot. No lines."

He pauses. "I've never tried it before."

"Well, we don't have time for practice." He'll probably be here any second. "My name is Aryll and I'm your sister, younger by two or so years. We get along great and I'm very shy around strangers. Okay?"

"If you say so." He resumes pushing sand into the hole.

"Hello."

I shudder. I forgot how menacing his voice sounds when he isn't trying to be seductive.

"Hey," Link says, glancing at him. Their eyes don't connect for more than a second. Ganondorf doesn't like to let his attention linger...with one exception. He focuses on me and he doesn't move. His appearance hasn't changed one bit. I look directly into his shiny gold eyes, refusing to back down.

Then I remember I'm supposed to be in character and look away. I try to blush. I don't know if you can do it on purpose, but it's worth a shot. I even bite my bottom lip a little bit.

"Sorry about my sister," Link tosses over his shoulder. "She's a bit shy."

"I see." Ganondorf doesn't say anything else, he just stands there, glancing back and forth between us.

"Is that your friend who was shouting gibberish just a moment ago?" he suddenly asks.

"Yeah," Link says. "I don't know what he was saying, though."

"No, it didn't sound like anything anyone would know." He clears his throat, and I know what's coming. His sugary-sweet gentleman voice. "I was just wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for an old friend of mine, and I heard that she might have come to Termina. Sometime around last week or so? Anyone new pop in?"

I bet he rehearsed this. It just sounds so flawless and _honest_, and even though he is technically telling the truth, his motives are a complete lie. I move my hand slowly up the side of the sand wall to pinch one of Link's fingers. He looks at me and I subtly shake my head _no_.

"Not that I know of. Z—Aryll, have you seen any new girl?"

Praying Ganondorf didn't notice the slip, I shake my head and try to look even more shy. I _need_ to sell this.

Link turns his entire body around to face Ganondorf completely. "Sorry, dude. Why don't you tell us what she looks like, and if we see her, we'll let you know."

He nods in an understanding way. "Well, I haven't seen her in quite a while. Blond hair, blue eyes, comes up to about here—" His hand hovers around his lower chest. "—and come to think of it, she looks kind of like your sister. Minus the eyes, of course."

Okay, so the sunglasses are working, but the whole sand-in-my-hair thing isn't. That's okay. He still doesn't know.

"So, a girl that looks like sort of like Aryll?" Link scratches his chin and pretends to ponder something deeply. I wonder if Aveil ever gave him acting lessons. "There isn't anybody in Termina like that. I'm pretty sure your friend will be easy to find."

"Perhaps. Her name is Zelda, by the way."

I knew he was looking for me as soon as Sheik shouted his warning, but the confirmation still makes me want to cry in frustration, because now that I think about it, maybe telling dad about my wish to go to Termina wasn't the smartest idea. I should have lied and said I wanted to go sightseeing in Hyrule.

I feel stupid.

"That's a pretty name," Link says, sounding completely honest. "If I hear about a Zelda anywhere around town, I'll let ya know."

He makes a humming sound. "That would be very well appreciated." He pauses for a moment to smile warmly at me. I focus on my feet. "Thank you for your time. I'm sorry to have bothered you two."

Then he turns and walks away, just like that.

As soon as he's far enough away, I throw off Link's sunglasses and let out a somewhat silent scream. "I can't fucking believe this! How? Why? _Why_? Why is he...he..." My eyes begin to build up with tears and my nose tickles uncomfortably.

Link jumps into the hole—yeah, it's big enough for him to do that—and puts an arm around me, rubbing my back and patting me on the knee with his other hand. "Shhh, it's okay," he says, "I don't know what's wrong, but it can't be that bad. Don't cry, Aryll."

The tears fall in serious streams.

"Um, I mean, Zelda."

Gruesome scenarios pop in and out of my head, with Ganondorf in all of them. Him, looking triumphant and powerful, surrounded by gold and diamonds and other valuable crap. Me, lying at his feet, barely alive, covered in numerous scratches and scars, begging for him to please leave me alone.

I'm exaggerating, of course, but even so, Ganondorf isn't above that sort of thing.

"G-g-go tell everyone else," I hiccup, "that until further notice, Zelda has left T-termina. She hopped on a boat a few hours ago and went b-b-back to Poveglia. Tell them what I told you, that I'm Aryll and all that other stuff. O-okay?"

He nods and says more soothing stuff before jumping out of the hole, and I'm left alone to stew miserably in my own fear.

But now's not the time for that. I need to stay calm and focused if I'm going to get through this with minimal damage, physically and mentally.

The first order of business is getting rid of Zelda. Link is doing that for me. Okay, okay. Next: a disguise. Thank goodness I'm shorter than Link, at least I can actually pretend to be his younger sister. All I need is some different clothes and contacts to change my eye color and it's all good. After that...

"Zelda!" Sheik hops into the hole next to me and grabs my face so that I can't move. "What happened with that guy? Did he like, abuse you or something? He's so scary, I told him you weren't in Termina because he was looking for you, and I didn't know what to think! You didn't invite him here, did you?"

I smack his hands away, but God bless him. I can actually talk to him without worrying about him telling anybody else. "I'd rather slit my throat than willingly invite him anywhere with me. He followed me here from Poveglia, with some unintentional help, I think." I rub my eyes slowly and try to stop the headache from attempting to take over my entire body. "I'll tell you about it later. Go talk to Link, he has some stuff to tell you."

Sheik stiffens at this. "No."

"Not about that! I told Link what to do in case Ganondorf comes back. Now go."

He gives me a suspicious look but he gets out of the hole anyways. I peer out of the hole and see that Sheik and the guys are all focused on Link, who looks like he's telling a very interesting story, what with all the hand gestures and movements. I take this opportunity to make a quick phone call.

(What? I didn't feel like leaving my phone with our stuff because I really had no plans on getting in the water.)

It only rings twice before he picks up. "Zelda, honey, is that you?"

I frown. Normally my dad answered calls in a deep, business-like voice, regardless of who was calling. I say in a nervous sort of whisper, "Daddy? How did you know it was me?"

He _chuckles_. "Caller ID, of course. I specifically remember you saying that you wouldn't call me unless there was an emergency, but it sounds like you're doing alright—how is Termina, by the way? Are you doing well?"

…

Wow. Either his stocks have skyrocketed, or somebody drugged him. "I've never heard you so cheerful before, Daddy. You aren't drinking, are you?" I just have to ask. Because if he _has_, then at least I'll know how Ganondorf learned my whereabouts.

This time he laughs, long enough to make him wheeze. "No, no, dear, of course not. I have just recently received some _very_ good news, of which I will share with you momentarily. I believe I asked how you have been these past few days, if there is no trouble?"

"Oh yes, I'm doing quite well," I say, trying to sound more sophisticated so he won't tut-tut me for speaking like a "commoner." (Yeah, he still uses that word.) "I just called to ask a question. It's quite important."

"Well, go right ahead."

"Did you tell Ganondorf that I had gone to Termina?"

A pause. I don't know what I want more, for him to say yes or no. Yes, and I know who to be pissed at. No, and Ganondorf could have a spy somewhere just oozing with more information that I probably don't want him to learn.

"No, I didn't. Is this the reason you called? To ask me such a silly question?" He sounds displeased.

I sigh, unsure if I'm happy or disappointed. "Yes, it was. I'm sorry, but I simply had to kno—"

"After you explicitly explained to me that you wished to visit your cousin so that you could take a break from Ganondorf?"

"I don't remember telling you that—"

"Do you mean to say that Ganondorf is there, in Termina? _With_ you?"

"Yes, he's here! He's not with me presently, but he's around," I exclaim, eager to get at least a full sentence in.

He pauses again. "I see," he says, with no emotion at all.

In an effort to steer the conversation in a more family-friendly direction, I say with almost false enthusiasm, "You said before that you had some good news, which put you in such a wonderful mood? Why don't you tell me."

This gets him. "Oh yes! I simply must. I think you will enjoy hearing it just as much as I did."

"Yes?"

"Are you ready?"

"Yes, Daddy." I'm actually grinning with anticipation.

His voice changes, and my grin is immediately dismissed. "I found you."

* * *

**A/N:** I am later than late with this chapter. I was having a little writers' block solo-pity party, and I'm sorry. I didn't want to force myself to write, because then it would end up even suckier.

After New Year's, I'll have one chapter _at least_ every month. Maybe every week or so, if the homework isn't too terrible.


	15. The Spy

**A/N:** Got a laptop for Christmas. Now I can write chapters from the comfort of my living room couch.

I said I would update once a month and by dammit, I'm going to update once a month. We're only halfway through January but I was feeling guilty for all those months I abandoned ffnet, so here it is. Gives me more time to write the next chapter anyways.

Enjoy—if you can.

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: The Spy**

I pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it like it just asked me to do a back flip.

The voice definitely came from my phone. As much as I would prefer to have lost my mind in that one second, there's no denying it.

"I'm sorry?" I say into the phone.

"You heard me."

"Sir, I think you have the wrong number."

"You're wasting your breath, Zelda. I can see you. I'm here, you're here. There is no changing that."

I immediately do a three-sixty. He isn't standing behind me, or anywhere I can see. I _do_ see that Sheik and the guys are all huddled around something, but I don't know what it is. Darmani, damn his frame, is blocking my view.

"Maybe if you were struck by lightning. Then hopefully you'd be at the mercy of whatever god you're sent to."

He chuckles softly. "I'm not going anywhere. At least not until I finish what _we_ started. I have every intention of seeing it through to the end, don't you worry."

_Excuse me, do you normally eat lunch alone?_

_For now, I guess. I was homeschooled, and this is my first day with other kids._

_Really? Well, I'm sorry that nobody has had the good grace to make your acquaintance. I am Ganondorf._

_Zelda. I'd ask if everybody was as polite as you, but then I wouldn't be sitting by myself._

_I suppose not. If you don't mind my asking, what was it like being homeschooled?_

"You're very persistent. It's disgusting."

"That's quite alright. It will all be over soon—it does, however, depend on your cooperation. What do you say? Can we settle this like reasonable human beings?"

"I think you should leave Termina before I set my bodyguard on you."

"That's a cute request, but I'm afraid it will have to be denied. I will get what I want, no matter what you do."

_So you're trying to tell me that you are the current owner of the O_—

_Shhh! Really Ganon, can't this wait until after class? I want to finish this worksheet before it becomes homework.  
_

_Just really quickly, tell me how it came into your possession.  
_

_Ugh...I'm not really sure myself. Daddy gave it to me on my thirteenth birthday._

_It's one of the most important historical artifacts, and you have no idea how it came into your family?_

_Well, my guess is that we're distantly related to the Royal Family. That's the only reasonable explanation I can think of, unless someone from my family stole it. That's too unlikely, considering they'd have to break into the castle unseen_—

_Would you like to go out to dinner this Friday night?_

_W-what? Where did _that_ come from?_

_We can discuss this in detail over some steamed crab. I know it's your favorite._

_Well...  
_

"Piss off. You can't have it. You're the one wasting your breath."

"Hmm, we'll see. It's been nice talking to you Zelda, but I really do have to go. My plan won't put itself into action, after all." _Click._

I shove my phone in my pocket and close my eyes. A few deep breaths...I need to stay calm and think clearly. Now: what is the first step when being stalked? I think I've already panicked, so at least that's out of the way. The second step: surround myself with protection.

I look over at my group of dear, dear friends. Easy. Of course they'd protect me, no questions asked. Feeling a little better, I make my way over to them and a thought hits me.

What are they all doing, huddled in a tight circle like that? They're not purposely keeping me out of the loop, but I can't help but feel a little bit annoyed. I walk faster and peer around Darmani to see what all the fuss is about.

Ganondorf is in the middle of the circle.

My mind shuts down, but a few thoughts are able to make themselves heard. _What. That's. Phone. I don't. The hell? Crazy._

I think about turning around and catching the next boat out of Termina, but Ganon's eyes find mine and his face lights up. He eagerly waves me over and everyone else turns around to see who he's waving at. Their faces...they all look bright. Happy. Like they've just made a new friend.

Except Sheik. Inwardly I say a small prayer of thanks. At least he hasn't eaten up Ganondorf's convincing act.

* * *

When Link started babbling about Zelda leaving Termina and something about an "Aryll," I sort of tuned him out. Zelda said that whatever Link had to say was important, but it sounded more like he was trying to tell a funny story, the way he kept stumbling over his words and getting things mixed up.

Not long after he began, that redheaded what's-his-face slowly approaches us and introduces himself. I'm still a little tuned out at the moment and miss the first part of his speech, but I listen intently to what he says next.

"—so glad to have finally found Zelda. I know she said she wanted her space, but I didn't want to leave things off on such a bad note. So I came to apologize."

Everybody _awws_, but I scowl. I missed whatever it was he said, and now I can't get a clear picture of who this guy is or what his ulterior motives are. All of a sudden the guy's face brightens and he breaks into a wide, honest smile. He waves somebody over. I look over my shoulder to see Zelda. She doesn't look as happy as the creepy guy.

She slowly walks over to us, and the guy keeps that smile on his face the entire time. When Zelda gets close enough, he closes the gap between the and engulfs her in a hug. I'm just now realizing how much taller he is than her. That, or Zelda is really short. _Which would make me short, too._ I ignore the somewhat depressing thought.

"Oh Zelda," Red murmurs into the air, because he's not close enough for his lips to touch her head. "I'm so sorry about the misunderstanding we had. I didn't think it was so bad you'd feel the need to go so far away from home." He rubs the top of her head affectionately.

I roll my eyes and give Link a look that says _She can't be buying this_, but he has this soft, content look on his face. I glance at the faces of everyone else, and yes, they all have the exact same look. This isn't good. They've lost their minds. Can't they see how much of a show this guy is putting on? He practically screams '_liar_'!

Zelda just stands there and takes his love, doing nothing to fight it. Understandable, since he's enormous, but she could say _something_. I could say something.

But what? This guy looks to innocent and honest and good, there's nothing I can call him out on. I grind my teeth in annoyance.

Red breaks the hug and stands to the side, his arm around Zelda's shoulder. Her expression is blank. "Hopefully, with time, we can get back on the right track," he says cheerfully. "Though I think Zelda would rather stay here and finish her vacation. I hope you all wouldn't mind too terribly if I joined you?"

Nobody protests, not even me. Remember, I have nothing to call him out on. Believe me, though, I'm tempted to make something up.

"Great!" he says triumphantly. "So...what are we doing?"

Mikau steps forward. "We were gonna go look around Snowhead, give Zelda the grand tour," he says in a confident, smooth tone. He looks him up and down somewhat suggestively—_What the hell?_—and adds, "You'll need a jacket."

"Sure," Red smiles. "I'll go get one right now; back in a flash." He squeezes Zelda in a one arm hug and jogs off to find a jacket suitable for the harsh, cold winds of Snowhead.

As soon as he's gone, I grab Link by the wrist and march him over to Zelda. We have something important to discuss before tall, dark and handsome returns.

**

* * *

A/N:** I noticed back in chapter five I wrote "Snowpeak" instead of "Snowhead." I know nobody cares, but I fixed it anyways.

I was having writer's block about how Zelda got the oh so mysterious item, so I made it all vague and junk. Hopefully I'll come up with a better chain of events in the future.

I apologize for the length of the story. I've been dragging it out for far too long; it's time I gave the plot a gentle kick forward.


	16. The Now and Future Updates!

**THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER, BUT YOU MIGHT AS WELL READ ON SINCE YOU'RE HERE. :D**

Okay, give me a second to explain.

To put it simply, I fell into a funk and was completely uninspired. It all boiled down to: update chapters that are crappier than usual, or just take a break (read: vacation) from writing? I picked the latter, and no matter my reasoning, it was pretty unfair of me to do so without at least an explanation. It was also quite mean. So I'm sorry for that.

I'm feeling inspired, so I'm going to write write write as much as I possibly can before that feeling goes away - hopefully, it won't. I want to get at least three chapters in before I start updating again. I don't know about you, but I really hate slooow updates. Hate 'em. I respect authors and the fact that they have bazillions of other things to do, but I'm also a selfish reader and I want my story _now_.

With that being said, expect an update within . . . seven days? It might be more. I'm studying for the SATs right now, plus juggling two AP classes (it's my first time, and diving headfirst into TWOSLDFKJLSDKJF AP classes might not have been too wise. All you smart people out there, I hate you _and_ your brains) and trying to have fun somewhere in between. (I've grown up a little since I vanished. Hello. ;P)

You all know that I'm a pre-ty big liar. But I seriously want to finish this story. It's the first one I've ever attempted to write, and if I never finish it, I'll die. So it will be done.

Thanks to anybody who even bothers reading this.

. . .

**I'M SO SORRY LSKJDFLSKJDFLSDJF**

I'll do my absolute best to make it up to you. Which means this story is going to be dragged out a bit longer until I can get something flowing.

So . . . go back to whatever it was you were doing before I disrupted your Internet lives. See you later! (Really. Promise and swear.)


	17. Make Me Hot

**A/N:** You know, I never realized how much I love this story until I went back and read a few chapters. It's...well, it's bad. I know that. But I still love it. I hope you guys love it too. Because this story is for all of you, even though you're probably annoyed with me.

Fun fact: the song I listened to and included in the very first chapter—the one that inspired me to start this story? I haven't listened to it since. You probably haven't either, if at all.

More babbling at the end. On with the show!

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen: Make Me Hot  
**

As soon as Link and I are within speaking distance of Zelda, I point at her and declare, "You're going to tell us what we need to know about this guy. Now." Link tries to pry his hand out of my grip, but I tighten my hand without really realizing it.

"...Huwah?" Zelda...says.

"That guy. I have such a bad feeling about him, it's not even funny; I know you do, too. So spill." Link, stop squirming and listen!

"I—I...can't."

"Sure you can. Hurry up before he comes back."

"Sheik, I seriously can't. He..." She looks around as if expecting someone to be watching us, and leaning in real close, whispers, "He's still here."

I roll my eyes. "Zelda, he just walked into that store. Way over there. We all saw him."

"I got a phone call." Her eyes are wide and she looks like she's about to faint. Or throw up. Not good. "Just a second ago, I got a phone call. From _him_."

"What, Red?"

"Stop calling him that. If you give him a nickname, it's like he's officially in the group; then he'll never leave."

"Fine, Ganon. Ganondorf. Whatever. When did you get this 'call'?"

"Just a few minutes ago. He called, instilled fear into my very soul, and hung up. Then I see you guys crowding around something, and all of a sudden _he's_ there. All eyes are on him. I just don't understand." She looks so dazed and out of it.

I'm starting to feel that way, too.

"You mean he called you while he was talking to everybody else."

"Yes. Please tell me I'm insane."

Link finally manages to snatch his hand back from me. Actually, I'm glad he did. My fingers were starting to numb. "Are you sure it was from him?" he asks, rubbing his wrists. They're pretty red. I didn't know I had such a strong grip. (Must remember this; could come in handy.)

"I'm definitely sure." She looks thoughtful for a second and adds, "Unless there's another guy stalking me. I'd much rather have that than Ganondorf."

I sigh loudly. "Are you going to tell us why he's so ambiguously evil, or are we gonna sit here all day picking our noses?"

"See, that's the thing," Zelda says, rubbing her eyes. "He called me at the same time he was chatting everyone up. I don't know how he did it, but now I feel like he's everywhere. All the time. Which means we probably shouldn't talk about it until we're absolutely sure he isn't listening in."

I brighten at this. Finally, something useful to go on. "Can we alktay ikelay isthay?"

Link groans and throws his hands up. "Oh, not this again!" I won't lie, it's fun doing this to him.

This actually gets Zelda to laugh, and I guess the mood brightens up a bit. We're all smiling now, even Link. "Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. He'll never know."

"So are you going to tell us?" The mood immediately darkens. I pretend not to notice.

"Well...hang on, let me think for a second..." She closes her eyes and puts her hands to the side of her head like she's having a vision. Is she trying to make this as dramatic as possible? We don't have time for this.

"Okay," she says, eyes still closed. "So my amilyfay ownsway the...the Big O of imetay. Sorry, the name is too obvious, even for this. Anyways, I told my, uh..._cousin_, Dora—yes, _Dora_—about it and she suddenly got all greedy and shit. Now she wants the...the, uh, Orange Clock—yeah, that's what it is; an Orange Clock. She wants to sell it because it's pretty damn valuable. No, I don't know where we got it from. The thing is, though, that it actually _works_. I've tried it—the Orange Clock. When I accidentally busted a vase my dad got from his great aunt or whatever, I just used the Orange Clock and...got it fixed. Yeah. So it's not that I don't want Dora to sell it, but the fact that the mysterious wonders of the Orange Clock could end up with _anybody_ out there...well, that would be bad. And it would be my fault, even though Dora's the bitch who sold it."

To her credit, Zelda kept her face straight for the entire story. Link looks as lost as one would expect.

Before he or I can say anything, Zelda starts cracking up. "Oh god, the Orange Clock? _Dora?_ If this wasn't so scary, I'd be laughing much, much harder. That entire monologue had to be the most _ridiculous_ group of words to have come out of my mouth." Her eyes are starting to water, more and more with each breath she takes. To anybody else, it would look like her nervous system was under attack.

Sure enough, Lulu sprints over and starts flipping out. Huh, I would've expected Romani to come over. "What the hell, what's wrong with her! Why aren't you doing anything?" I blink and all of a sudden she's next to Zelda, rubbing her back. "Zelda, calm down. I doubt there's anything to be laughing so hard about."

The back rubbing eventually gets Zelda to stop laughing. She breaths for a little bit, regains some control over her tear ducts, and smiles. "Sorry about that. I sort of lost myself for a moment there."

"Is she done?" Darmani hollers over. Too lazy to walk all the way over here and check on his friend. Nice.

"Yeah, I think she's good!" Lulu calls. She looks Zelda in the eye and wags a finger at her. "This doesn't happen often, does it?"

"Nope. First time."

"What happened?"

"I'm _so_ not telling that story again. I'll tell you later if it comes up."

"Fair enough," Lulu says. I'm surprised she dropped it that quickly. Any other time, Lulu would grab Zelda around the throat and refuse her oxygen until she explained what was so funny. I don't doubt she'll be prodding her for details later.

"I'm back!" Red announces. We all jump a little bit at his voice. Everybody else jogs over to join everybody (except Zelda, Link and me) in openly ogling his jacket choice. It's...well. It's a moderately tight black jacket with a bit of a shine to it. There's even a hood. It's pretty boring, but with the way the girls (and Mikau—I'm still suspicious about him) are practically ripping out their eyes and gluing them to his body, you would think the jacket was a little more impressive.

"Got in on sale," he says proudly. He strolls over and wraps his arm loosely around Zelda's head. I'm reminded once again of the height difference. Hmph. "Are we ready to go now?"

"All set," Aveil and Mikau say at the same time. They whip around to glare at each other just as fast.

God, can we get this over with already? "Okaylet'sgo!" I say loudly, grabbing Link and Zelda—ignoring Ganondorf's tiny huff—and marching back to wherever it is we left our stuff.

* * *

I'm a little bit grateful when Sheik grabs my hand and yanks me to where our bags are. I need to get away Ganondorf so I have room to breathe, and my legs seem to lock up whenever he's around. Not in the good way, mind you.

It takes a while for everybody to get their respective backpacks—multiple arguments arise as to who carried what and who's turn it is to carry the heavier stuff—until eventually Darmani winds up carrying almost everything. Aveil and Lulu are only carrying their jackets and cell phones. Someone should clock them over the head.

Though the path to Snowhead is a good forty minute walk, it's too soon when we're suddenly standing in front of where the path officially starts. It's like someone put up a very thin barrier along the path to separate the weather. Two more steps and we'd be walking on ice. We all put our jackets on and salvage the last little bits of our body heat.

"Let's do this," I say with all the confidence in the world. I take three long strides and my boots go _crunch crunch crunch_ before I lose all feeling in my nose. That didn't take long.

"Gross," Lulu whines, swiping at her face. "My nose is dripping like a freaking faucet!"

Aveil pushes her aside and walks on. "Suck it up." Then adds, "The cold. Not your snot." And off she goes. Romani runs to catch up with her, and the two immediately start talking, hands flipping and eyebrows raising. Smells like gossip to me.

"Fuck this noise," I mutter. Ganondorf is slowly but surely making is way over to me as we walk—normally he's fantastic at subtlety; what's wrong with him?—but I quickly slide to the left and squeeze myself between Link and Sheik. Both of them are wearing soft puffy jackets that look like forest green and blood red clouds, respectively.

I make a whole bunch of creepy "Mmmmm" noises before Sheik finally snaps, "Are you done?"

"Make me hot," I groan into his shoulder.

"Not in this lifetime." He yanks his entire being away from me and moves behind Darmani, who's blocking most of the wind from slamming into us. Bitch.

My face is so cold it feels like it could chip off any second. I turn around and stuff my face into Link's puffy hood of fluff. Mmm. "Don't leave me. You're all I have left now."

He laughs and it makes him warmer. Don't stop, Link. "It's fine. Leech as much of my heat as you need."

"You've got it."

On we walk, marching through the snow and ice and slush. Link and I are in the back, with me feeding off of his warmth; Sheik, Aveil, Romani and Lulu are cowering behind Darmani, taking turns rubbing each other's hands every now and then; Mikau and Ganondorf are a little bit behind them, having what looks to be a very cozy conversation. Both of them are strolling along, easy as can be, not even looking a little bit bothered by the cold. I'd eavesdrop on them, but Ganondorf would probably point me out before I could get within hearing distance.

It takes us almost two hours to reach Snowhead. The only reason we didn't give up and die was because of the spicy chips Aveil packed, bless her. By the time we get there, Sheik's nose is as red as his eyes, the girls are practically crawling to avoid the wind, and Darmani looks as relaxed as ever. Just like Mikau and Ganondorf, who seem to be impervious to cold weather. Damn them.

Oh, and I'm wearing Link's jacket and he's wearing mine. Boys generate more body heat than girls (well, he believed me when I told him), so he gladly handed it over an hour back. Score one for me.

"Is there like a rest stop or a ski resort nearby?" Lulu chatters, trying to crawl into one of the bags Darmani set down. "Somewhere with a fire? I could use a fire right now. A fiery fire."

"I think it's actually warmer in the temple," Romani says, trying not to stutter. "Despite it being made of ice. There isn't much wind."

"Then what the hell are we waiting for? I'm dying here!" Lulu jumps up and sprints to where the ramp leading to the temple entrance is. Ten paces in she runs out of breath and collapses in a heap with little resistance.

"I've got her," Ganondorf quickly says and power walks over to her weeping form. I look around and see that nobody really cares, not even Mikau. What a sensitive, caring brother.

Eh, I don't really care either.

As soon as Ganondorf has Lulu standing on her own, we all make our way to the entrance. Hopefully I'll still have all my fingers and toes when we blow this popsicle stand.

* * *

**A/N:** I apologize in advance for the jerky prose. It's been a while, and it'll take some time before I get the feel of this story again.

Isn't it agonizing, that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight? But at the same time, I don't want it to end. I'm having too much fun here. (Just so you all know, the water temple will be skipped for obvious reasons. That's why I had them spend some time at the beach instead.)

Read, review, eat, sleep, forgive me, breahte—live. All that fun stuff. See you at the next chapter.


	18. Soft Noises

**A/N:** Foxpilot: I love your reviews. I really do. It's very nice of you to give me some idea of how I should proceed best. I know this story is all over the place, and I'm working on making everything at least somewhat stable really soon. Maybe.

Flbasbgaskjg: Firstly, if you're not even going to read this story, don't expect me to take your complaint/criticism into account. Secondly, I just thought it sounded easier than twins separated at birth or whatever. All that matters is that they're related in some way.

Other reviewers: Thank you all, not just for reading, but also for reviewing. This writing isn't very good, but I do believe it's . . . entertaining. Like a bad horror movie. I'm glad you like it.

Important things to notice (outside of the story): (a) AP classes suck. Nobody should take them; (b) It's my birthday tomorrow. That means I will be able to see R-rated movies _all by myself_ (which isn't that big of a deal since I've been watching them all my life, but now it's official); (c) Nothing else. Proceed to the story.

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen: Soft Noises  
**

Romani was right; as soon as we step inside the temple and move away from the door, the temperature jumps up at least fifteen degrees. The sudden warmth is actually enough to get me to take off my big fluffy jacket. Darmani sets the stuff down in a corner near the door. I toss my jacket over there and look around.

Everything is blue and shiny. There's a single gray, ice-covered door up ahead. That's about it. Thanks, guys. That sure was a fun tour.

"I know it looks boring," Romani says, shucking off her gloves, "but there's some really cool stuff farther in."

"For all that body heat I lost, there had better be," I grumble. The temple can be as amazing and wonderful as it wants. We're still going to have to hike back to Clock Town, and I really don't want to go back outside. Maybe we can find a helicopter somewhere in this place.

Aveil and Lulu are the first ones to finish stripping since they didn't have to carry anything. Lulu is already standing in front of the door, looking a lot better even though she fainted maybe ten seconds ago. "Hurry up, guys. Sooner we get in, sooner we get out, and the sooner I can buy a big fluffy blanket. Ugh, I'd sell my soul for one right now." She's picking bits of ice out of her ears.

"The blanket would freeze, and then you would be cold, frozen, soulless and wrapped in a useless blanket." Mikau is fixing his hair; it's frozen in a very peculiar style, probably due to the wind. "Actually, you're already all of those things. Minus the blanket."

"So how do we open this door?" Lulu asked loudly. "It looks like it's frozen shut."

"I wouldn't be surprised." Aveil flexes her fingers like she did any work in the past three or so hours. "We _are_ in a temple made of ice. In the middle of a snowy mountain range. During a snowstorm."

"I'm sorry, were you doing something useful?" Lulu tosses back.

After I finally peel my gloves from my hands, I join Lulu in staring down the door that really does look like it's permanently sealed. "If someone doesn't open this door in ten seconds," I say flatly, "I'm taking all the food and leaving."

Aveil snorts. Romani suddenly pops into existence beside me and looks at the door for maybe two seconds before breaking out into a triumphant smile. "It's just a decoration, guys. The door should open easily if we push it up."

"Decoration or not, ice is slippery," Aveil so helpfully points out. "And it looks pretty heavy. Unless someone has a pair of spiked gloves—"

Ganondorf snaps his fingers to silence her—Aveil shoots him a horribly offended look—and he _struts_ over to the door. He looks it up and down, and abruptly shoves his knee spike...whatever..._thing_ into the ice. With one flick of his knee (and this is the first time I've seen anybody flick their knee), the door lifts up a few inches. He reaches down and easily shoves the door the rest of the way up.

Instead of a stunned silence, Mikau applauds and whistles like he just witnessed a proposal. "Daaamn! That was so unbelievably _tight_!" Lulu puts her face in her hands and starts moaning about family and shame. Then Mikau starts _whooping_, and Lulu starts to shake.

"There's probably another door inside," I say, just because something needs to be said besides praise for Ganondorf and his terrifying strength. I wouldn't have been as afraid if Darmani had done that. Darmani is nice. Ganondorf is...something else.

Nobody really moves. They're all too busy looking at Mikau like he just announced he raped his grandmother. I huff and carefully walk into the next room. The floor has some patches of ice on it, so I have to be careful.

Maybe if I'm lucky, Ganondorf will slip and break his soul.

When I step into the room, I hear a bunch of soft sounds coming from the walls. So soft that I can't really think of anything to compare it to. Like...two clouds nuzzling each other. I can barely hear it. After a second, it's gone completely.

So it turns out being surrounded by ice can make you lose your mind. What a fun fact.

"I was right!" I call back gleefully. "There are more doors in here!" None of them are covered in ice, so there's nothing in here for Ganondorf to show off with.

Sheik pokes his head in and counts. "Three? How is that going to work?"

Everyone filters in and looks back and forth between the possible routes.

"We can still split up," Romani says. "The groups don't have to be even."

"I call Zelda!" Aveil suddenly announces. She latches her claws onto my shoulder and I try very hard not to show any weakness.

"Oh...kay?"

"Yeah. I know where all the goodies are." She pulls me over to the door on the right. When we're standing right in front of it, Aveil pauses like she just remembered something. She whips her head around and sneers at everybody else. "Don't follow us. It's important that Zelda gets the full experience of a tour with minimal comments from the peanut gallery, and all of you suck at keeping your opinions to yourself."

They gape at her. I gape at her. She has to be acting, and let me tell you, it's convincing as hell.

Satisfied, she turns back around. Sticking her fingers in a handy little nook, she lifts up the door like it's nothing and pulls me through.

They're all still gaping when Aveil slams the door shut.

* * *

Not one time have I ever witnessed Aveil being so random. She just grabs Zelda, tosses a threat and an insult over her shoulder at us, and runs away with her? What in the world is _that_ about?

"So we all agree that Aveil's insane now?" Lulu pipes up.

"Or acting again," Romani scoffs. "I'll admit, she had me going, but this is Aveil. She loves us. She's probably just giving Zelda lessons on how to convince us later that she's pregnant so we'll freak out and shit. Aveil gets off on stuff like that." She looks back at the remaining two doors. "Now it's our turn to split. Who's going with who?"

"I'll go with the G-man," says someone who shall not be named at Lulu's request. She looks like she wants to cut his throat.

"Right on, dude," Ganondorf says, and they bump fists. I just...I don't even know. I feel horribly embarrassed for some reason.

"Romani and Link," Lulu moans. "We're a group. Let's leave. Now." She slides over to the door on the far right and tries to open it like Aveil. The door lifts a little bit, but she can't seem to get it all the way up (and I'm going to pretend there isn't a very warped that's-what-she-said joke in there). She huffs in annoyance. "Really? How is anyone supposed to get around if these doors are so heavy?"

Link carefully jogs over and lifts the door up for her. "Thanks. Let's hurry up and go before Mikau opens his mouth again." She flashes him a disgusted look and walks through the door. Link shrugs at him in apology. He and Romani follow Lulu; the door closes behind them by itself.

"So I guess it's just us," Mikau says happily. Me, Darmani, Mikau...and Ganondorf. I thought for sure Zelda would end up in his group.

Darmani stomp stomp stomps over to the last door, opposite of the one we came through, and of course he lifts it up like it's made of soap bubbles. "Let's see what we can find," he says, and walks through. Mikau thumps Ganondorf on the shoulder and they walk in side-by-side.

Then there's me. All by myself. I'm having so much fun already. When I step into the next room, the door shuts behind me. Someone has to be behind the walls controlling those things. It's too creepy.

We're in a large room that just screams "center of the building." There are three doors at the end of three crooked paths, all connected in the middle by what looks like a large pillar that was sliced to pieces at some point.

"So uncool!" Mikau whines. "We have to split up _again_?"

"Nah." Let's just all go through that one." Ganondorf points to the one in front of us on the other side of the room. "The center door is always the best."

"Nice." He and Mikau skip down the path like old buddies. It makes me sick.

Darmani leans over to whisper in my ear. "They're pretty weird, don't you think?"

"They're something," I mumble back, a little louder than necessary. Neither one of them indicate that they heard me.

* * *

When she's absolutely sure that the others have dispersed, Aveil lets out the breath she had been holding. "Finally. I thought they'd never fuck off." She smiles at me. "I'm kidding. Stop looking at me like I'm an alien. I was just having some fun."

"So you weren't being serious."

She waves dismissively. "Of course not. I just felt like being out of character for a second. No big deal." She sighs and runs her hand through her hair. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that freaky guy you brought here."

I make a face. "I didn't _bring_ him here. He followed me."

"You mean he stalked you," she helpfully corrects. "Great. So we're on the same page, at least."

"Pretty much."

"I can see the way you act around him. Like you're worried he'll bust out a knife and hack you to pieces if you do something even remotely wrong. And Sheik; he just looks like he wants 'the G-man' to drop dead."

"You sure do have the facts down." Ganondorf doesn't need a knife to hack me to pieces. He has his fancy pants.

"So I want you to tell me the story with him," she continues. "Let's walk and talk."

"And why do you want to know this?"

She looks at me like it's completely obvious. "To back you up, duh! I don't know about you, but I can feel the tension. Like something bad's gonna happen real soon. I want you to know that I'll help you get rid of him, if that's what you want."

My lips tremble a bit. Could it really be that easy? "If you can get Ganondorf to leave Termina as soon as possible in the least-violent manner, or at least get him out of my life, I will love you forever."

We start to walk along the path. I don't know if Aveil knows where she's going, or if we're just randomly strolling along.

She laughs and nudges me with her shoulder. "It can't be that hard. We'll do something easy, like planting some illegal drug in his jacket and tip off the police."

I can't help but giggle at the image. The idea of Ganondorf clunking around Termina and the police jumping out of nowhere to tackle him to the ground... Oh, it would be like a gift from the gods.

Before I can control myself, I blurt out one of my greatest fantasies as of recent: "Or we could knock him out with a bunch of sleeping pills and toss him in the nearest pit of quicksand."

"Oh, are we talking about murder now? I'm so in. I haven't killed anybody in _ages_."

I gasp and cry "Aveil!" before I realize she's joking. "You suck. Stop doing that."

"How else am I supposed to amuse myself?" She winks. "Seriously. Tell me all about him. I want to know what kind of monster we're dealing with here."

In the background, I hear that soft noise again. I look around to make sure there really isn't anything there. Aveil looks at me curiously, but I just give her a "It's nothing" look. "Anyways," I mumble, keeping one ear open for that sound, "I met Ganondorf in the ninth grade..."

* * *

**A/N:** I realize the doors are supposed to be pushed. But then they wouldn't be able to close again, and that wouldn't be any fun.

I'm still not satisfied with the writing style. I'll go back and read through the story a couple of times to see if I can "absorb" the way I did it before.

That's all for now. See you guys in November. Promise.


	19. Threeway Hijinks Part 1

**A/N:** Hi. I'm sorry for the lateness and the false promises. Sadly, school comes first. It makes me rage.

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: Three-way Hijinks Part 1  
**

"...and he sort of just showed up here. I thought I was going insane at first, but no, he proved to be very, very real. I'd rather be crazy, really."

Aveil nods sagely and leans back against the cold stone stairway. It looks really uncomfortable. Her elbows are going to be so sore. "Do you know how he found you?"

It hurts to consider it, since... "Well, the only person who knew I was here is my dad. I meant... It's possible Ganon weaseled the information out of him—" Or maybe my dad is lying dead in a ditch behind a dumpster because he refused to sing. "—but I don't think so. I made it super clear that I didn't want anyone to find me. _Especially_ Ganondorf."

"Okay, let's dig a little deeper here. How did you get to Termina?"

"I bought a ticket and took a ferry. How else does anyone get across the ocean?" There _are_ hot air balloons, but those things are so slow and scary. I'd much rather stay as close to the ground as possible, thanks.

Aveil rolls her eyes. "Right." She looks at me, hard, as if the answer is written somewhere on my face. "How did you pay for the trip? Cash? A check, a card?"

"My dad bought it with his card online and printed the ticket."

She clicks her tongue, and I randomly think that Aveil would look good with a tongue ring. It just suits her. "There we go, then. That's how he nabbed you."

Wait, what? "What? He wasn't there, Aveil."

"No, but I'm betting he snooped through your mail and read it on the bill."

I snort. "That's crazy. My dad would never let someone else go through our mail, even if he _was_ my boyfriend. _Nobody_ does that!"

"Sweetie, he's a charmer." She spreads her arms. "You see how easy it was for him to get the others to like him.

Well, when she puts it like that. Damn it. "Hold on," I snap. I reach into my pocket and whip out my phone. For some reason, it never occurred to me to actually call my dad again. After the whole thing with Ganondorf, I guess I just got spooked and forgot about him.

The line rings once, twice...three times...and then there's a _click_. "Hey, babe. You okay?"

Oh

Oh, right.

Ganondorf still has my dad's phone.

I snap the phone closed and shove it back into my pocket. Well, so much for getting in touch with my dad. I'd try calling the house phone, but he never answers that because he claims "only telemarketers use house phones." I wouldn't be surprised if he got rid of it.

"What was that?" Aveil asks, raising an eyebrow.

"What?"

"You just called someone and immediately hung up."

"Oh, I was trying to call my dad, but Ganon still has his phone."

She gives me a look. "Why in the world does he have your dad's phone?"

"Beats me. He probably flirted with him and snatched it while he was swooning."

She starts to giggle madly, and I gladly join her. It feels nice after all this.

* * *

Ganondorf looks at his phone with confusion and...sadness? "Hn. She hung up." He closes his phone and slowly slips it into his back pocket. Mikau follows the motion shamelessly. Darmani glances at me and we roll our eyes in unison.

Ganon sighs after a moment of silence. "...So. Where do we go from here?"

I haven't been paying any attention to where we've been walking. Even if we had a map, I probably couldn't point out where we are for the life of me. I suppose that technically makes us lost.

"Well, that last room took us in a circle," Darmani points directly across from where we are, "so that's the last available door over there."

"What about that?" Mikau points to an opening above us. It looks like a tunnel some moron randomly installed ten feet off the ground.

Darmani gasps. "Mikau, you never told me you could fly!" That alone cracks me up, and the look on Mikau's face just makes it worse. He ignores our chortles and marches down the path, muttering for Ganondorf to follow him and ignore the assholes. Darmani and I tag along once we're able to breathe properly.

That gigantic pillar is in this room as well, slamming down into the middle of the floor in an "OH HEY I DARE YOU NOT TO NOTICE ME" fashion. There are several small pools of...something. It looks like lava, but it can't be. Lava? In an ice temple? That makes no sense.

"Look at that." Ganondorf points to something—we've been doing a lot of pointing lately—in the middle of one of the could-be-but-can't-be lava pools. It looks like a wooden chest. In a lava pool. Sure, why not.

"So go get it," Darmani says. He folds his arms and looks at Ganondorf like he has all the time in the world. Ganondorf's about to answer when Mikau pipes up—"I've got this, boys."—and time seems to speed up as he power-walks swiftly past me and crouches down near the pool. He inspects it diligently, because if you stare at something long enough it'll tell you what you want to know, and plunges his hand right into the unknown sludge.

He screeches; a drawn-out, piercing, spine-tingling, just plain _ugly_ noise. Like maybe his fingernails are being slowly ripped out.

"Holy shit!" I screech. Okay, so it probably is lava. I'm panicking. It's reasonable.

"Duuude!" Ganondorf moans, looking away in case Mikau decides to show us his new stump.

Darmani just falls on his ass and explodes laughing, even though his expression is one of pure, unadulterated horror.

* * *

Somewhere in the temple, there's a horribly loud, chilling scream. It sounds like somebody's being murdered. My eyes widen and I freeze mid-stride.

"What the fuck?" Lulu eloquently puts our expressions and feelings and current thoughts into three words.

And then the ground starts to rumble. Some of the ice on the walls actually shatters, and thin cracks threateningly split the floor around us.

"What the _fuck?_" Lulu stumbles and nearly falls over, throwing frightened glances at the ceiling.

"Okay, I'm getting out of here," Romani cries, sliding slowly towards the door we came through. An icicle that must have been disrupted by the shaking whooshes down and impales the ground less than two feet in front of her.

She jumps back and trips over her own ankles—"Shit!"—and falls directly on her ass—"Ow, _shit!_" The compass she picked up nearby falls out of her bag and slides across the now less-than-pristine floor, stopping near Lulu. She scoops it up victoriously.

"Ha! _My_ turn to hold the cool stuff, you hog."

"Whatever," Romani mumbles, rubbing her backside. She winces. "Just don't lose it."

"You have no faith in me." Lulu studies the compass, frowning. "This thing is blank. How am I supposed to know which way is north?"

"It's a compass that works on the energy of the temple," I say randomly, remembering something I had read a long time ago. I've always loved reading about the various temples scattered about Termina. "It shows you the best route out, not which way north is."

Lulu blinks. "Oh. Hn, that's handy. Wish we had this sucker in the last temple." She raises the compass above her head and closes her eyes. "O Seer of the Arctic Labyrinth, _SHOW ME THE WA-HAAAY TO FREEE-DADADADUMMMM!_"

"Oh my _God_, would you shut up?" Romani snaps. She marches over with her hands out in front of her. "Give that back before you shatter it with your alien pitch."

Lulu sticks out her tongue. "You're just jealous." Then she does a one-eighty and sprints for the stairs, despite the floor being made of ice. "You'll have to catch me if you want your ancient freedom-finder!"

"Link, grab her!" Romani snaps, breaking into a sprint before she remembers her sore spot and stops, wincing some more. Lulu breezes right past me—I make a grab for her, but she just does a fancy twist/duck combo (which is very impressive because she's doing this on ice, though I've never seen her ice skate or anything) and I'm left clutching empty air. I swear, it's like trying to snatch a fish out of the water. She's too slick.

She makes it to the stairs and glances at the compass. "The Freedom Finder says he likes me more than you, anyways," she calls over her shoulder, and disappears around the corner.

* * *

"Oh God, what was that?" I squeak, hunched over, every instinct within me aching to dive behind some form of shelter.

Aveil, calm as ever, just dismisses the earthquake with a small wave. "Probably Darmani showing off. I bet he pushed over a boulder or a big-ass chunk of ice, just to prove he could."

"Are you sure? What if the temple is sinking into the ground or something? I'm not dying in here, Aveil."

"I promise. When in doubt, assume it's Darmani's fault. For earthquake-related incidents, anyway."

That calms me down a little bit. "Fine. But...can we leave this room? It's getting old." When really, I'm just now noticing that there are a _lot_ of holes in the floor here. Deep holes. I bet if I looked at them from above, they'd form a skull or the word "death" or something equally ominous.

"'Kay," she says, standing up and stretching—no marks on her elbows, yet she's been leaning against the stairs this entire time. "We need to get moving anyways. There's something I'd like to nab before we're through here."

"Like...?"

She winks. "Something familiar."

She floats up the stairs, humming some tune under her breath. Behind us, I hear the soft noises again. In a flash I turn around and my eyes sweep across the room. There's nothing there.

I go up the stairs three at a time. Like I said, I'm not dying in here.

* * *

Mikau is an asshole. I swear if anything in this room were light enough for me to lift, I'd be beating him over the head with it until he croaked. Ganondorf is just shaking his head, amused, and Darmani got over it quickly and is waiting for us to open the chest.

"So go get it," I snap at Mikau. He looks far too impressed with himself. Maybe if I get mad enough, the lava will suddenly become boiling hot again. For some reason it's only moderately warm—probably has something to do with very specific conditions being met that I'm not even going to bother questioning right now. Or maybe it's not even lava at all. I mean, there's a wooden chest sitting smack in the middle of the stuff.

This is hurting my head.

Mikau clucks his tongue. "What do you know—empty." I didn't even notice him opening the chest.

"Empty?" Darmani sighs and turns around. "What a waste of a room."

I jog to catch up with Darmani and we make for the door together. Behind us, I can hear Mikau inviting Ganondorf to feel the lava with him, whatever _that_ means.

* * *

**A/N:** I actually had so much fun writing this. And now that I've finished, I get to go do homework! Hooray! Ugh.

I'll try to wrap up this temple in the next chapter, but it might go on for two more. Depends on if I want to sit down and type out one monster chapter or two reasonably sized ones. We'll see.

Anyhow, I apologize for being one day late. Expect the next update either late December or early January. No promises, just the most likely time frames.

See you guys later. (And Happy Holiday-You-Celebrate and Merry New Year, if I don't update before then!)


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